Gang Gridiron :: Dementia Does Football

Jon Kitna: 1. Matt Millen: 0.

2008-09-25T20:46:00.002-06:00

Either I am some kind of impressive psychic or Jon Kitna's influence on the heavenly ear is far more than even he thought. In news that nobody is at all sad about except for Matt Millen, Matt Millen finally got fired from his reign of terrorizing ineptitude in Detroit, in news that came about 114 games too late for Lions fans. Earlier this year, in my "roundup" of NFL news, I mentioned that Jon Kitna and Kurt Warner had a prayer session to deliver them from Matts, and thus far, it seems to be working. Millen finally got the boot, and Warner won over the starting QB job from Leinart, which means we need to steal their prayer diaries to see what else they're planning to call down on us now that they've finally succeeded in securing God's attention. (Kitna must be on it to get his knee fixed and throw fewer picks. First one: in the realm of possibility. Second one: call in the backups, Gabriel). Lions-Cardinals NFC championship game, here we come!

In case you haven't noticed, I really like writing snark about quarterbacks. I promise I may write an actual football post soon, but there's just so much other material to follow up with, especially since all my tongue-in-cheek recaps have turned out to be remarkably accurate. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Also, my boy Jay is still pretty awesome. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Lurking In the Shadows: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADY QUINNN!!!!!

2008-09-21T21:03:00.000-06:00

I mean, Gawddd, you'd never notice him. He's so, you know. Like, so. Inconthpicuouth.

Derek Anderson has to be hearing the footsteps now. After amassing a stunning stat line of 2 TD/5 INT/405 YD/43.5 RTG to start the season, GUESS WHO is lurking, waiting to take his place, to shock everyone with an explosion of starlight and pixie dust, and just be super duper fabulous on his way to leading the Browns to 13 straight wins, an AFC North title, a first round bye, dramatic victories over the Colts and Steelers, and an epic showdown in the Super Bowl against the Cowboys. Which he will then win, of course. Because Brady is just that cool. Because there is no resisting the allure of his shaggy hair, soulful eyes, chiseled abs, and overwhelming douchebaggery. Because the Brady Quinn Era is coming NOW. Because there ain't nothin' that can stand before the Cumslinger, Reborn.

But hey, don't go thinking that about Brady. He's just a nice Catholic boy who's been waiting for his chance. He hasn't been spiking Anderson's Gatorade with laxatives or anything nasty like that. He's just been doing his duty, serving his time, waiting patiently. He's a good kid. He's not gay, not if there was anything wrong with that if he was. Just because he can match color samples better than anyone on the team doesn't mean anything. You guys are so hard on him, seriously. Brady's not that bad. Sure, he's kind of got that spoiled athlete look down pat, and it's hard not to be jealous that the guy is making five kabillion dollars to stand on the sideline and perfect the angle of his pout, but c'mon. Wouldn't you want to be paid a lot of money to do something you loved? How can you fault him for working hard all his life to be rewarded like this? He's taken what he's been given and he certainly doesn't wish ill on Anderson so his time will come, since he knows it will. He just trusts in his God-given talent and lets the chips fall where they may. Seriously. You're too hard on him. Lay off.

I... uh....

Well, um, hem...

I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation...

My dearest Mr. Quinn, I regret to inform you that you make it much too easy.

Matt Cassel Iz A Believer

2008-09-08T20:28:00.002-06:00

Earlier this year, I touched on the fact that Matt Cassel had become the Patriots' resident sports theologian after continuing to struggle with the question of why God hates him so much and does not want him to play football. Behind Tom Brady, it looked as if the next time he played any sort of meaningful snap, it would be in Madden. But all Matt's years of imploring God and promising blood sacrifices have evidently not been in vain. Everyone has heard by now what happened -- Brady got Bernard Pollarded and is a wash for the year, Masshole fans have been committing suicide en masse, and Matt is rather taken aback at the success of his voodoo -- he was hoping for results, but not nearly so fast. He would have really preferred another few months to ~~hide the evidence~~ learn the playbook, dump his wife, and find a better, hotter supermodel to take her place, before turning into a flaming metrosexual and GQ cover boy, plus adding another hundred points or so to his career passer rating. Only then does Matt Cassel, Patriots Starting Quarterback *, feel confident enough to take over the reins.

* He and Aaron Rodgers have a lot to talk about.

Matt Cassel Sees God.

Now Matt, not Tom, will be in control of the Patriots offense, responsible for taking the snaps, reading the coverage, scanning for receivers, perfecting his fist pump, washing his jersey, developing a picture-perfect cleft in his chin, impregnating at least three women out of wedlock by the end of the year, buying a pashmina, bringing Laurence Maroney Gatorade on the sidelines, giving Tedy Bruschi his medicine, keeping Tawmmy from Quinzee in the stands and not on the field, instructing Kevin O'Connell in the serious art of holding the clipboard and pretending he has one iota of self-esteem, informing any gullible young supermodel that happens to be walking by that he's the Patriots' starting quarterback, selflessly volunteering to be the crash test dummy for the Giants' defense to practice on, and serving as Bill Belichick's general dogsbody, whether it's seducing his latest conquest, picking up his dry cleaning, re-painting his car, arranging his newspapers, making his coffee, sharpening his pencils, approving his evil smirk, or bending over in the shower room and taking it like a man after a bad defeat. Not, of course, that this would ever happen to the Patriots. Shock. Horror.

Honestly, you almost have to feel bad for the poor kid.

Get it together, chucklehead.

I'm serious, your days of sitting on the sidelines and dozing off are over.

Come on. Serious face! SERIOUS FACE!

You guys are screwed.

The Psychology of Sports Fans, Vol. I

2008-08-16T18:00:00.004-06:00

[In which I place on my philosopher, rather than comedian, hat. First posted last night at Mile High Report, now archived here. I strongly suggest you also read "The Philosophy of Sports Fans," a lengthy and thoughtful continuation of the questions raised herein, written over at MHR by poster styg50.]

I count myself under the "rabid, tending to dysfunctional due to extreme emotional attachment" brand of sports fans. I watch spring training and preseason games, whether on TV or on Gamecast. (My plans for Saturday night consist of: Get pizza. Watch Broncos game. Heckle the Cowboys even though they can't hear me through the TV screen. Make unimaginative cracks about Jessica Simpson. Yell at Jay to throw the ball to the open guy in blue (or orange, as the case may be). You get the idea). I read every stats sheet in existence. I check an average of five or six different sites a day, five or six times, for news on my teams. My evening is planned around how I can check on the games in progress -- or avoid them, if they are currently too painful to be endured. (This April, I went to a big dance party at college. During breaks on the sidelines, I was constantly texting MLBscores to keep updated on the progress of the Rockies game). I am happy if the team wins, and feel as if life is all a sham and should be disallowed in the (sadly all too common) event that my teams get their behind handed to them on a platter. This is a routine that likely sounds very familiar to all of you, since I'm sure all of us have similarly proudly displayed our lack of social skills and bizarre emotional swings all having to do with a bunch of guys in matching colors.

This can make you do strange things. As an example, I work at Starbucks, and today a guy came in wearing a raiders hat. My first impulse was to ignore him, or pretend to throw holy water on him, or make more cracks about Al Davis. (Earlier this year, I recounted my triumphant encounter with a raiders fan while leaving the Rockies game, in which wit wasn't even needed to outmaneuver the poltroon -- just a simple stating of his team's crappy record). Of course, it is my job to be nice to the guy, so I just took my sweet time finishing the drink I was working on and eventually got around to him, where I was very nice indeed. So nice he might have suspected something was up. So nice that I certainly didn't spit in his drink or anything... (As a matter of fact, to be perfectly honest, I didn't. Mainly because he didn't GET one. Nope, he just stood there with a bagel, one bagel, for me to ring up. And couldn't have gone somewhere else. Nope, needed the bagel. One bagel. Right then, raiders fan). And the guy wasn't even wearing a chargers hat. I wonder what I might have done if that was the case. (Although a kid did come in wearing a chargers shirt a while ago. I decided not to tell him that his choice of football allegiance sucked harder than Phyllis on dollar drinks night. Being as poor as I am, I can take no chances with losing my job).

I'm a psychology student and a chronic overthinker in addition to a sports fan, which of course got me wondering. I had never met this guy in my life. I am sure he was a perfectly ordinary fellow, but the colors which he had chosen to brand himself immediately sparked a "that guy has gotta be a dipshit, oh god" reaction in me. We have the choice of following, or not following, a team that wears some assortment of colors and throws some shape of ball around. We don't play the games, we don't manage the team (at least in reality, as we do our best armchair-jockeying). We don't pay the salaries (although we grumble at how much money we blow on them with so little results). We don't even write the newspaper coverage of them. (Although we should, since I swear to God your average fan at MHR could do a better job than some of the hacks in the press boxes. But that is another diary which has already been written and not by me...) Is it a primal emotional thing, to glorify in Us stomping on their heads? Do we identify ourselves with the players or as their followers? And for heaven's sake, why does it absolutely ruin an otherwise perfectly acceptable evening when we don't cross home plate more times/make more three-pointers/shoot the puck in the net more times/throw the ovoid to the guy in the end zone more times? There is enough insanity going on in the world, so is that the precise reason sports evoke such a response in us -- we know it's not Darfur or Russia/Georgia, but dammit, it DOES matter that the guy didn't aim right in getting the ball through the yellow uprights. People make a lot of money on this crap. Or lose a lot of emotional stability, as the case may be.

I get philosophical about sports, especially when my teams lose. (Since I am a diehard Rockies fan, I have this experience frequently). The more I think about it, it just doesn't entirely make sense. And then I go to the stadium on a summer night, have a dog and a drink, settle down, watch the opening video montage, and feel like, "Hell yeah! These are my guys! We're awesome! We rule! We kick butt! Hell yeah!" (And then this does not usually happen). Not your deepest emotional reaction, but no one would deny that it is deep. It does matter. Good luck explaining to your non-sports-crazy significant other that yes, the reason you want to put a paper bag on your head and die is because the one guy hit the ball three inches too far to the right for the game-ending double play instead of the game-winning single. Yes. That is the reason. And yes, you are an infidel because you don't get it. Wait, you have a life? Well, screw you.

(Interlude while I watch Michael Phelps win his record-tying seventh gold medal in his most exciting race since the 4x100 freestyle relay. Same thing goes here. Aside from the fact that Phelps is probably from another planet, he is from the USA, so I root for him. My sister and I leapt off the couch and roared when he somehow got in first. This at least has somewhat more sense in the fact that that's where I'm from, so national solidarity.... so.... state solidarity? Is it that we decide this particular group represents us, so we come together in a unity show? Is it the old pack mentality? Since we are from one place, we are better than you from another place?)

If I can get away with it during the course of my cognitive psychology Ph.D (still a few years off) I would like to be able to trick the department into letting me study if being a sports fan appeals to something in primal human nature. We all jump off the couch, pound our chests, and shout like cavemen when Jay threads the needle with a pass to a double-teamed Marshall in the endzone who somehow pulls it down... we don't waste time on analyzing why we are doing what we are doing, we just know that it feels good and HAHAHAHA EAT IT CHARGERS EAT IT HAHAHAHA. This is not particularly intellectual stuff. No one thinks that being a sports fan will save the world, but sometimes it does. Or at least our world. Maybe the whole rest of the day sucked, but at least the boys won, so we can deal with it. Or maybe you read a feel-good story about a dying kid getting to meet their favorite athlete. Or you have a get-together with your friends and talk about sports, it's something you can connect with. (MHR fulfills this role).

So, my question to you all is this. What makes us sports fans, and what keeps us there through the bad parts? I don't think that any of us would doubt that what we feel for these guys, these moments, these teams -- none of whom we've ever met unless we're stupidly lucky, none of whom we know aside from soundbites provided to the paper, yet who we watch devotedly every day or every Sunday -- is real love. And yet we put up with so much crap from them, like boneheaded passes into double coverage in the endzone that Marshall doesn't catch, but which instead get picked and run back for a touchdown. They break our hearts. They do stupid things like signing Kip Wells and failing to have a run defense capable of stopping a paper bag blowing in the wind. But we stick. They become a part of us.

And why, in chicken-pickin' hell, is this the case? Would we all be happier if we had the answer? Or would it really not matter? A lot of us start watching teams because we live in a certain geographic location, or because our parents did, or because of total accidents. And then we start obsessing. And then it generally goes badly. But hey, there we are, sitting with teeth clenched through one more five-run inning or three-and-out drive. And if we're bona fides we come back for more pain. And curse existence. And do it again, so we really have no excuses.

In short, I am watching the Rockies play the Nationals, a few games removed from a disastrous 3-7 homestand in which the Nats were responsible for 3 of these losses. But watching them anyway since they are my team. And waiting for the Broncos game to start, as I have all day. Despite the fact that it is preseason. Despite the fact that it is against the Cowboys, who schooled us in preseason last year (I tell myself that this will be an interesting opportunity to judge progress. For Pete's sake, I had to watch the entirety of the Colts/Redskins Hall of Fame Game to get my football fix. I want to see what the defense looks like, how sharp Cutler is, how well Clady matches up against DeMarcus Ware this week after drawing Mario Williams last week. I will probably be posting updates on the affair over at MHR. My name is Hilary and I have a sports problem, but at least I own up to it freely. There are far worse things to be obsessing about).

The NFL In A Nutshell

2008-08-12T18:40:00.007-06:00

* Not all of the herein reported events may have occurred precisely as I describe them. Then again, they may have. I leave it to your discretion, dear reader (then again, that is deluding myself into believing that I have readers).

** This post contains the advised daily serving of BRETT FAVRE for your sports-fan health.

Since my last post on March 25, 2008 (a total of 141 days for those of you keeping score at home) a great many things have happened in the wonderful world of football. Training camps opened, for a start, and every Lions/Dolphins/Jets fan has talked him/herself into believing that the acquisition of Gosder Cherilus/Jake Long/TEHHH CHEESEHEAD GODDD!!!11 (BRETT FAVRE) will get them back to the playoffs for the first time since John Madden began walking upright. Teams got a look at their new finds from the 2008 draft, particularly some who were relying on fresh blood to lead the offense. Boston College's Matt Ryan (the first quarterback off the board, taken at #3 overall by the quarterback-challenged Falcons) inaugurated his new life as Michael Vick's successor by going to a production of Oklahoma! with a teammate and looking terrifically awkward when a camera caught him, but then threw for 113 yards and a TD in his first preseason game, raising everyone's hopes that they have a signal-caller who a) is competent at the job and b) doesn't have a side hobby involving cruelty to animals. Delaware's Joe Flacco, the second quarterback taken (#18 by Baltimore) looked as if the Ravens' modus operandi of fail had rubbed off on him, losing a fumble on his first snap and completing precisely zero of three passes, but still probably looking better than Kyle Boller, who may win the job again by default.

Hawaii's Colt Brennan, the former Heisman Trophy finalist who saw his draft stock slip dramatically after a bad Sugar Bowl showing, made his pro debut with the Redskins, who picked him in the sixth round (186 overall) and looked good in his first showing under quarterback guru Jim Zorn -- he finished the Hall of Fame Game against the briefly Manning-less Colts with 9 completions in 10 attempts, 123 yards, and a pair of touchdown passes. (BRETT FAVRE) San Diego State's Kevin O'Connell, taken in the third round (94th overall) by the New England Patriots, asked himself if God hates him and does not want him to play football, a question that resident sports theologian Matt Cassel has been struggling with for years. Louisville's Brian Brohm and LSU's Matt Flynn (taken 56th overall and 209th overall, respectively, by the Green Bay Packers) briefly wondered the same thing but then accepted Aaron Rodgers' breathless, euphoric, and misspelled e-mail invitation to join "A-Rod's Pack o' Thugz." Washington State's Alex Brink, the thirteenth quarterback off the board (#223 by the Texans) enjoyed a nice breeze and wondered if a seventh-rounder's signing bonus is enough to buy a Maserati. (BRETT FAVRE)

Speaking of quarterbacks (BRETT FAVRE) Tom Brady put up his "injured" foot, took a bath in Cristal and $100 bills to remind himself that he's still cooler, wealthier, better-looking, more successful, and gets laid more by a supermodel than you, Eli Manning got married and wondered why everyone suddenly liked him, Peyton Manning had surgery to remove an infected bursa sac from his knee, hoped to be ready for the regular-season opener, and made himself such a giant irritant to Ashley Manning by sitting around the house, bitching, and constantly watching game film of his 2006 AFC Championship win over the Patriots that she made him go wash Tony Dungy's car. Five times. BRETT FAVRE retired, unretired, retired, unretired, and made Cheesehead Nation spontaneously combust before returning to the Packers, getting messily divorced from them a few days later, and going on his merry way to the Jets, where we are now treated to (I'm serious) stories about how he had to run a penalty lap since he fumbled a snap. Fans across the Meadowlands reacted in delight, both to the fact that one of their teams had acquired an aging gunslinger (BRETT FAVRE) with a penchant for interceptions and bad facial hair, and the other had, I dunno, oh yeah, beaten some team with a really good record in the Super Bowl. In other news, BRETT FAVRE will also supplant Eli Manning, Trent Edwards, that Brady guy, Kyle Boller, and every other quarterback on the Eastern Seaboard, while breaking every record in existence and nailing your wife.

In other news, there was a tragedy at the University of Wisconsin where a college co-ed was found dead -- apparently the unfortunate was playing a drinking game, had to take a shot every time the sports media mentioned FAVRE, and died of alcohol poisoning in half an hour. Speaking of drinking, Aaron Rodgers got drunk in euphoria. Aaron Rodgers got drunk in crushing depression. Aaron Rodgers got drunk in euphoria again and then he smoked a really good bowl and shaved his porno-stache to prepare himself for the rigors of being the Packers' starting quarterback and wondering if they'd name a street after him one day. Also, he got so fed up that he swore he'd send an Andrea Kramer/Suzy Kolber-fronted sideline bimbo assassination squad after the next lazy sportswriter who titled a piece "Now It's Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood." Bill Belichick, meanwhile, wondered where he could hire this squad to put Eric Mangini out of his misery, and made five thousand copies of the "Spygate" tapes before hijacking a B-52 to drop them all on Arlen Specter's rooftop at the dead of night while playing "Start the Machine" by Angels & Airwaves at 1,529 decibels.

David Tyree enjoyed a winter of never having to pay for his drinks anywhere in New York and the fact that people pretended they could tell him from Domenik Hixon before the Hail Manning in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl. Michael Strahan retired, but got arrested for assault when, reacting out of habit when the doorbell woke him from a nap, he violently sacked the teenage babysitter (this coming as the third strike after he had already leveled the mailman and used the tax collector to pick the gap between his teeth). Ben Roethlisberger spent his offseason building a better motorbike, which backfired when Terrell Owens helped himself to it. Maurice Jones-Drew spent his offseason overturning garbage trucks for fun. Brady Quinn spent his offseason matching curtain prints, drinking Mai Tais, and shouting homophobic slurs at anyone wearing better hot pants than him. Rex Grossman impregnated 1,000 women from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, to the Philippines (where his successor as Florida Gators quarterback, too-good-to-live and desperately devoted Christian Tim Tebow, was doing his part to save the world by circumcising poverty-stricken children. And that is actually not a joke).

Tony Romo got a STD from Jessica Simpson, dumped her, and desperately tried to keep it a secret until he could ask his Cabbage Patch Kid for advice -- unfortunately the Kid advised him to take her back, which he did, which will end badly after the Cowboys' first preseason loss when Dallas riots en masse to burn pink-jerseyed effigies. Elsewhere in Tixas, Wade Phillips, driven to the brink by megalomaniac Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, expanded to the approximate size of Chad Johnson's sense of self-importance and Mario Williams jumped up and down in a corner, wanting to know if anyone was going to remember the Texans, which everyone took as some kind of Alamo reference.

Jon Kitna and Kurt Warner held a prayer session asking God to deliver them from Matts: Millen and Leinart, respectively. In Arizona, everyone cared much more about the Super Bowl than they ever gave a crap about the Cardinals. In California, the 49ers continued the process of total irrelevance to everyone outside the Bay Area, changed their names to the Fightin' 39ers to sound more plucky and gritty, resigned when it didn't work, and then got scared awake by their alarm clock and a stern phone call from Roger Goodell telling them that doing anything without his express authorization, including breathing, is a violation of NFL conduct policy. (BRETT FAVRE)

The San Diego Chargers had to put a limit on Philip Rivers' offseason activities when they discovered that his new favorite hobby was daring his antagonists (a list ranging from the guy at the grocery checkout to Kofi Annan) to eat his surgically reconstructed ACLs. Los Angeles -- oh wait, Los Angeles didn't do anything since they don't have a pro football team, but laughed in the face of every other college program since they still have the USC Trojans and you don't. (Although they share their name with a well-known brand of condom, they still couldn't get Matt Leinart to wear one, which is a bit of a problem when you consider that he probably slept with all of the approximately 8,364 female undergraduates during his tenure there). (BRETT FAVRE) The Oakland Raiders retained Al Davis for the 134th consecutive year, thereby ensuring another year of disastrous and well-earned fail, and showed their commitment to their policy of making losers the face of the franchise by selecting Darren McFadden (two children by two different women at the tender age of 20) with their first pick, fourth overall. In doing so, they also ensured that McFadden, a top-performing running back at the University of Arkansas, will be able to tear unencumbered by the Denver Broncos' mesmerized defense, who somewhere along the way got a key tenet of football backwards and think that you are supposed to step aside and let the little guy with the ball plow easily through your big guys, who look imposing in theory but in practice are worse than useless. (BRETT FAVRE)

Jay Cutler discovered that diabetes were the reason he was so sick and drained last year, losing 35 pounds, as he'd initially attributed it to the fact that he'd stopped eating after receiving mysterious, threatening notes from "Jack Eldham," who is certainly not a legendary quarterback for any Denver team and certainly not interested in ensuring that nobody likes Jay better than they liked him. If he ever played, that is. Brandon Marshall, meanwhile, had a fight with his brother, a McDonald's bag, Roger Goodell, and common sense, and lost all four by a resounding margin while getting slapped with a three-game suspension to open the season. Jason Elam took his game-saving leg and Christian thriller novels off to Atlanta, leaving the Broncos with Matt Prater in return, which initially looked like a livable trade-off until everyone discovered that Prater had been padding his resume to say that he went to football powerhouse Florida when in fact he actually went to Central Florida and almost got eaten by an alligator while drunk at a frat party. (BRETT FAVRE) Mike Shanahan was named Broncos King for Life by Broncos Emperor for Life Pat Bowlen in a secret underground ceremony, where he honed the psychic powers that allowed him to cut troublesome wide receiver Javon Walker two weeks or so before Walker, who should be commended for exemplifying the principles of his new employers, went out and got drunk and beaten up in Las Vegas to celebrate his signing with the Raiders. And in an explosive revelation sure to upset almost no one, the Carolina Panthers were actually discovered to be a long-running urban legend. (BRETT FAVRE)

In short, it was a very busy offseason. With one week of preseason games under the nation's collective belt, everyone has discovered (BRETT FAVRE) it's time for pigskin. Will I be back? Well, hopefully. As the long hiatus between posts attests, I get distracted. But I'm feeling in a football mood, may actually finish the Quarterback Quizzes, and will write some crap on Denver's new "look" and "acquisition" and try to determine if this is any different from last year's -- which was to say, losing. (BRETT FAVRE) That was annoying.

Brandon Marshall Vs. McDonald's Bag. Brandon Loses

2008-03-25T15:54:00.001-06:00

Well, isn't this just the kind of news I want to hear on the heels of the Broncos opening their offseason strength and conditioning program in Englewood today. Brandon Marshall, the Broncos' top WR, has some kind of arm injury that will keep him in a cast for a few weeks and a splint for months after that, although they say he will supposedly be ready for full-fledged training camp in July. Nor was it just a little cut, as he said, as the NFL Network has said that the injury is serious -- Marshall somehow having managed to sever an artery, a vein, a nerve, and tendons of five muscles, which sounds incredibly painful and pretty serious, especially when your job description involves hauling in footballs for a living. It's hard enough to catch them with two good arms and hands, and definitely close to impossible with one. Marshall is by far our best WR and this is not good news.

How did this little mishap coming about? Marshall evidently told the team that it was incurred by wrestling with his family members -- some wrestling match, I hope some deadbeat uncle didn't pull a switchblade or something. But in a published report in the Rocky Mountain News, he claimed he slipped on a fast-food bag, and when trying to break his fall, put his arm through an entertainment center. Naturally, I'm a little suspicious of both these explanations, and I pray that Marshall hasn't been doing something stupid like his teammate Marcus Thomas, or like Tim Hudson in the 2003 ALDS, getting into a bar fight in Boston. He's already waiting a delayed trial on DUI charges, and I have a really low tolerance for the consistently thuggish behavior of NFL players. Besides, the Broncos are doing their best to catch up with the Falcons or Bengals in terms of the All-Con team, and that naturally reflects poorly on the team and city. (They were also named as primary customers of a high-priced escort service, but I haven't heard anything more on that, yet...) I wish they'd give it a rest, and I hope that Marshall gets better quickly, as we need him catching passes. We also need him telling the truth and staying out of trouble. Le sigh.

With baseball season starting, I've been getting back to Sparks of Dementia more, and I know I have left the Quarterback Quizzes unfinished for the moment, with the Raiders, Seahawks, Cardinals, 49ers, and Rams left to go. When the draft rolls around on April 26-27, I'll probably be ready to post some football and will cover both draft results and (hopefully) finish the quizzes. Then again, I might even do that beforehand. Possibly.

Tom Brady's Big Mistake

2008-03-08T00:48:00.003-07:00

That is, of course, if you believe this story. Allegedly, Tom and his arm-candy supermodel could not contain their bounteous lusts, and had to give in to a session of the horizontal (vertical) mambo in a NYC restaurant wine cellar, which would have been standard-issue behavior for your young, insanely rich, attractive, famous power couple... if they hadn't been caught on videotape doing it. Yep, sounds like a juicy, and probably untrue, celebrity sex tape scandal to me, and if this by some chance actually did happen, then I hope it gets disseminated everywhere and Bill Belichick gives Brady a reaming. The funny thing is, Brady's incredible on the field and pretty much an ever-worsening douchenozzle off it, but even I can't see him having the phenomenally bad judgment to do this. (Assuming it is true, and not just some rabid anti-Patriots weirdo raving about a fictional tape that, to be honest, most Patriots fans would watch, if only to imagine themselves in Gisele's place... I mean, what?) Brady already isn't the most popular figure in the NFL, but he does have the image of the Golden Boy, for better or worse, and he had to know that things like this don't stay quiet. Does he really want Sextapegate looming over his head at every turn like Babygate (the fact that he has a son with his ex-girlfriend, which was returned to ad nauseam at various points during the season) did last year? Does he really WANT to give Patriots-haters even more ammunition, crumble his image, and kick away the last idea that he is anything other than your typical shallow, vain, overly horny and minimally intelligent celebrity?

Hey, you never know. Sticking it in a Victoria's Secret model on Candid Camera? That's worth a whole friggin' ton of lifetime memories, and I guess he has to console himself somehow for not winning that fourth Super Bowl ring. I mean, aside from playing football and not seeing his son, how many hobbies can a guy have? Besides, it was a traumatic loss, so after being the Giants' little bitch all night, he feels the need to prove his masculinity and the fact that he is still better than you. Idiot. If the boy isn't careful, he's going to have a little Brady-Bundchen to go with the Brady-Moynahan model already in existence, and wouldn't that be a tragedy? Although he might see this version a little bit more... don't worry, Tom, knock up seven more starlets and you'll be the glitterati version of Travis Henry! You will also need every penny of that $60 million contract to pay child support, although you might recoup it all if you go on Jerry Springer.

Aaron Rodgers Is Whooping It Up

2008-03-04T13:57:00.008-07:00

...and waiting for the other shoe to fall. So in the 24 hours between now and Favre changing his mind, Aaron is living the good life, swaggering around to every suburban-Wisconsin restaurant and saying slyly to every pretty blonde thing, "You know I'm the Packers' starting quarterback, right?" and chartering private jets and drinking Cristal and hosting mad parties and yukking it up. This is a yearly routine for poor Aaron, because before the aforementioned time frame is through, Favre is going to say, "What, I'm letting the KID play? Arr! Gimme me my spikes back and get outta my way, whippersnapper!" and crush Rodgers' dreams all over again. He will be left to sleep off his hangover and think about long-haul truck driving in the offseason to pay off all the debts he has amassed. Unless, of course, he actually is the Packers' starting quarterback.

Yep, it's official. Cheesehead Nation is flying the flags at half mast. Brett Favre has retired.

This shifts the balance of power in the NFC North, even if it's not entirely certain to who. The Vikings need a new quarterback, the Bears re-signed Rex Grossman, and the Lions didn't fire Matt Millen, and now the Packers will be helmed by a rookie instead of the Cheesehead Messiah for the first time in 17 years. It'll be interesting to see who emerges from that scrum, and how long Packers fans give Rodgers to turn into Favre; he and Cutler will have a lot to talk about about succeeding a beloved, career-long franchise quarterback. Rodgers will, however, have to avoid playing the part of Jake Plummer/Brian Griese (inept and generally disliked) and jump straight to the Jay Cutler part (young and on the rise, could make them forget about Elway/Favre).

Favre says he can still play, but is "tired," and was upset by the Packers' failure to get Randy Moss, so he's deciding to hang it up on his terms, evidently. It's been confirmed, evidently that early post on Packers.com about his retirement ended up to be correct, but I'm still not buying it. Nor, I imagine, is Aaron Rodgers. Quick, Aaron, do your yearly max-out of your black AmEx and go talk to your Vikings friends about organizing a Love Boat... but only if you're sure Favre is in fact coming back. Otherwise, take it easy, son. You're suddenly going to get a lot more popular.

Perhaps I am not being charitable enough to a guy who spent his whole career with the team, who is one of the best QBs in the sport, who made himself beloved to a lot of people in subzero temperatures wearing replica dairy products on their heads. Maybe I should put an animated .gif of an American flag and candles, along with little dolls bowing and a tinkly background version of an Avril Lavigne song. I actually have nothing against Favre, believe it or not, aside from hating all his media fellatio -- he was pretty good for a quote (My favorite, to a referee while on the sidelines: "Here's some advice for you. Take two weeks off, then quit.") and he's genuinely a tough guy and did a lot, to say the least, over his career. I just can't bring myself to be that, you know, sad, since you know he'll probably be back anyway.

As a matter of fact, it already happened. Rodgers had a chance to cement his role, but sadly, he came in for his final training session still suffering the aftereffects of his party last night, which led to Favre un-retiring on the spot. I continue to imagine conversations between quarterbacks and their backups below. Stereotypes (first Quinn, now Favre) are fun.

Favre: And you're gonna throw it that far. Allll the hell way down thar. That's how you throw a touchdown pass, son, just rear back and air it out down there, one of them speedy lil' black fellers'll catch it.
Rodgers: [laughs incoherently]
Favre: 'Cuz that's what I done all this 17 long years. 17 years, boy! How old were you when I was startin' out? 2?
Rodgers: [laughs, distracted by shiny object]
Favre: You probably wasn't born yet!
Rodgers: [eats sweatshirt sleeve]
Favre: Goddamn, boy. You smell like WEED!
Rodgers: [giggles]
Favre: You want some damn Doritos?
Rodgers: [giggles]
Favre: Shuddup, you're screwin' with my concentration. I'm tryin' to bequeath you my legacy, boy!
Rodgers: [munches on Fritos from pocket]
Favre: I cannot f*ckin' believe I am handin' the keys to my empire to this here chickenshit.
Rodgers: Have any [laughs for ten minutes]... cookies?
Favre: What the sam hill is so damn funny?
Rodgers: I'm feelin' GOOD! I'm feelin' FLY! [laughs] [falls over]
Favre: Oh fer the love of cotton-pickin' baby Jesus... how the hell am I supposed to go if they give the Pack this ...
Peter King: That's the point, Bretty! [is muffled]
Favre: [nudges Rodgers with his toe]
Rodgers: [snores beatifically]
[Long pause]
Favre: Gimme the ball.
Packers Fans: Never leave us!!!
Favre: Gimme the damn ball or I'm leavin'.
[Long pause]
Favre: Wait.

Brady Quinn Is Not Amused

2008-03-03T16:30:00.004-07:00

Derek Anderson got a new contract from the Browns, who were reluctant to tinker with the juju that brought them their first winning season in quite a while -- leaving Queen to warm the bench, hold the clipboard, and mutter fruitlessly and be in denial for another few years. Despite being rich and ~~self~~ gay-hating, Queen just CAN'T get to be the starter on his own TEAM! It was never this bad at Notre Dame! In any case, I don't think the two Browns quarterbacks are exactly friends at this moment.

Due to my super-powered listening skills, I have determined that the conversation at the time this picture was taken was going something like this:

Anderson: I'm rich now, Brady.
Queen (grumpily): So am I, Derek.
Anderson: And I get to start.
Queen (muttering): Up yours.
Anderson: I'll pass.
Queen: You're just jealous 'cuz YOU'RE not a sex symbol.
Anderson: [long look] [decides against commenting]
Queen: ALL I WANT IS A LITTLE LOVE, IS THAT ALL RIGHT?!
Anderson: Dude. Chill the f*ck out.
Queen: I hate my life.
Anderson: Sorry to hear that. You still have it better than 99.9% of the people on this planet.
Queen: Somebody buy me a Mai Tai.
Anderson: No.
Queen: Be my friend, Derek.
Anderson: No.
Queen: Want some skittles?
Anderson: No.
Queen: Wanna taste the rainbow?
Anderson: No.
Queen: Come on, Derek! It was just a question! Why do you have to be so tempera--mental --
Anderson: Mr. Crennel? Is that you, Mr. Crennel! Yes, of course, I'm ready to run a scrimmage!
[runs off]
Queen (suspiciously): The defense is on the field, genius. See, I'm going to be a starting quarterback, I should notice these things.
[Anderson fails to return]
Queen (depressed): I must suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune alone.
Queen (nobly): It is my destiny. I, Brayden Tyler Quinn, will be a star one day, and no one can tell me otherwise for following my heart, for living my dream, for doing my best, and standing aside and waiting until the opportune moment. I have only one life, I must live it to the fullest. I must put aside those who do not care for me, who do not love me, and trust in myself in this wild, strange, long journey across the heartland of America into the hearts of pigskin-loving souls the country over. They will love me then, and I will love them back, and I will show them all along, I have held them in the same tender regard in which they esteem me.
Queen: [bursts into tears]
Queen: Damn, Brady, that was good.
[Anderson runs by, muttering]
Anderson: I changed my mind. I think I'll go to free agency after all.

Roethlisberger Re-Upped, Other Signing News & Notes

2008-03-03T15:48:00.004-07:00

Big Ben is now making big bucks, per the Rocky Mountain News. The Steelers QB and motorcycle enthusiast signed an eight-year, $102 million extension that will keep him in Pittsburgh black and gold through 2015, and includes over $36 million guaranteed money. Just think of how many motorbikes that'll buy! Hopefully, now that he doesn't have to, hem, pinch pennies, he can buy a few helmets to go with it. But this is a show of commitment by the Steelers to their playmaker, seeing how much space he'll now be taking up on the Pittsburgh payroll, and exceeds even the $98 million deal Manning signed with the Colts in '04. Steelers fans probably think it's worth it. Roethlisberger has proven what he can do for them, and this will move him further toward his stated wish of wanting to be like "the Dan Marinos, like the John Elways, guys who played with one team their whole career." (Props on citing Elway, Ben, always a good idea). Still, you'd think they'd spend a little of this money on guys who can actually protect Roethlisberger, who was sacked a whopping 47 times last season.

As for other market rumblings, Asante Samuel was snapped up by the Eagles almost as soon as free-agency period opened, despite some talk about the Saints being the front-runner. Randy Moss has said he is frustrated with the Patriots' lack of motion on getting a new contract hammered out after they declined to franchise-tag him, and that's led to some horrifying (if you're a Patriots fan or a fan of a team in the NFC East not Dallas) rumors of him landing with the Cowboys. Moss and Terrell Owens on the same team? Can the world take the united forces of douchebaggery (more than usual, that is) emanating from Texas? Will Moss yank out a machete if Romo throws to T.O. more often? Oy vey. I wouldn't envy anybody in that clubhouse if this should somehow take place.

Broncos DT Marcus Thomas has fallen back into iniquity with his (non) rocket-scientist friends, and was arrested after he was in the car with a friend who was busted for coke. Thomas's problems go back to his playing days at UF, where Urban Meyer was so convinced that he was hanging out with the wrong sort that he tried to stop him from going home. Yet again, it's the same old song, that Thomas is hanging out with all the wrong kinds of people, and he needs to wake up and realize that he's an NFL athlete and fulfilling the dream of playing pro sports isn't going to last forever. Dump those losers and put in some actual effort to change, Marcus... Unfortunately, being an NFL athlete these days entails being busted for just about every offense under the sun, so maybe he's taking notes. Thomas is also lucky he plays at DT, and behind him is The Ghost of Matt Lepsis (switched to the D-line instead of the O-line since there's practically no one else) and if we cut him, we'd be in even more dire straits than we are now. Denver is not going to have any leeway to point and snicker at the Falcons and Bengals if their offseason of arrests keeps up. Oy.

The Broncos also signed WR Keary Colbert, formerly of the Panthers, to a three-year contract. Colbert is only 25 and was a second-round pick out of USC, and had 47 catches in 2004, which he hopes to replicate in competing for the #2 WR job. This isn't exactly a stellar pickup, but the team is being quiet in free agency and hoping to get enough selections to address all their needs in the draft. (They did, however, sign Seattle linebacker Niko Koutouvides, Pro Bowler Lofa Tatupu's backup and special-teams ace, since they need somebody, anybody, to plug in the D-line). Brandon Stokley is not an every-down receiver and therefore will be in the #3 spot, no matter what that article says. Also, Denver has a surfeit of DEs with Jarvis Moss's return and Elvis Dumervil entrenched, plus re-signing Engelberger and Ebenezer Ekuban (who didn't play last year due to injury). Dumervil and Moss, if he's healthy, figure to be the starters on the frontline corners.

John Lynch Makes It Back, A Couple Cuts

2008-03-01T16:00:00.003-07:00

In news that comes as a relief, the Broncos and John Lynch have finally come to terms on a new contract. And the story as to how that happened is kind of amusing. Lynch had decided that he was, in fact, going to move on, had even drafted a letter thanking his fans and teammates, and then called Broncos owner Pat Bowlen to tell him about it. Fortunately, in one of those little coincidence/splinter of fate things that get traced back to turning points by weird people like me, Bowlen had gone out for a late dinner and didn't answer his phone, and when he got back and answered Lynch's call, Lynch himself had gone to sleep. When he woke up the next morning, the decision didn't feel right.

"I could probably go make more money elsewhere in the free agent market," Lynch said. "And I had really gone to bed excited about that.

"And then I woke up thinking, "What am I doing?" I've got four kids who are happy here. I've found a home here and I didn't want to be one of those guys going from team to team. I felt I had earned what I had coming to me but sometimes you have to step back and look at the big picture. And the big picture to me was: I had to find a way to make this work."

So he took a pay cut to play a fifth season in Denver and help stabilize an uncertain position. Nick Ferguson is an unrestricted free agent and is likely moving on, and Hamza Abdullah is a restricted free agent and will also garner some interest. Denver will still probably be drafting a young safety in April -- their secondary is thin, Lynch is 36 and suffered a neck injury last year similar to the one that almost ended his career, and the contract situations of their other safeties are unresolved. But in the age of athletic mercenaries, it's nice to see a guy waking up and realizing that there are more things that matter than simply getting the most money. Lynch has lost a step with age, and has never been blessed with blazing speed to keep up with the fastest receivers, but makes up for it by being one of the hardest hitters in the NFL and a guy who plays the game, both on the field and off it, the right way. He'll provide a voice of experience to all the kids and if things should go too dramatically south, it's still only for one year. I'm happy to have him back in orange and blue!

Also, the Broncos officially released Javon Walker, to no one's surprise, and after designating Stokley the number three receiver, need to look for a #2 to slot in between him and Brandon Marshall. It's doubtful they go for the WO with their first pick due all the help they need on defense, though; they also released linebacker Ian Gold. One boon is that they will have 17th-overall pick DE Jarvis Moss (hopefully) healthy this year, and when paired with Elvis Dumervil, can display a more effective frontline corner than we saw this year. They also brought DE John Engelberger back, and the contract situation with K Jason Elam is still unresolved. I say, sign the guy and have done with it. Elam can't make 50-yarders (not many except the Titans' Rob Bironas can) but he was responsible for four game-winning FGs last year and is relatively automatic from 40 yards.

The Quarterback Quiz: Denver Broncos

2008-02-28T22:15:00.007-07:00

At last, we've gotten to the Quiz I really wanted to do, as Cutler is my favorite player on my favorite team and I actually know something about him that is not the result of quick research around the Internets in order to put together a coherent piece. But the quizzes have been good for me as well, because they give me a better sense of each team and how the draft chips might fall in April. One thing I do know about the Broncos -- they need defensive help like whoa. Firing defensive coordinator Jim Bates, who wanted to use a system that he didn't have the right pieces for, may be a start, but new coordinator Bob Slowik has been on teams that have been record-setting in all the wrong ways for the amounts of points yielded. He was formerly the secondary coach, however, and prized corner Champ Bailey has spoken highly of him, saying he's more willing to listen to players and to run systems that are catered to the team's defensive strength -- namingly, their All-Pro tandem of Bailey and Dre Bly at the corners, and safety John Lynch (if he returns, which isn't a certainty, and he's lost a little of his edge with age). But one thing they also need is an offensive lineman who will adequately protect Cutler, regarded as the new face of the franchise, and that's why a number of mock drafts have them taking Boise State's offensive tackle Ryan Clady (the Boise State team, interestingly, is also named the Broncos) or Cutler's fellow Vanderbilt alum Chris Williams, also an OT, with the 12th overall selection. If they decide to beef up the safety position to account for Lynch's possible departure, Miami's Kenny Phillips is an option, as is Washington State's Husain Abdullah, younger brother of current Broncos safety Hamza. Neither of those would be the first pick for Denver, but may be available in the later rounds.

Denver Broncos (7-9): Jay Cutler

Playing quarterback in Denver ever since the Post-Elway years has always been a trial by fire. Brian Griese had one Pro Bowl year in 2000, but was plagued by too many interceptions and general inconsistency, and Jake Plummer was dubbed "Jake the Snake" by snarky Denver sportscasters for, well, you can probably guess why. I can't believe I am going to write this, but Plummer wasn't entirely as terrible as everyone tended to think he was, as he rated 91.2/84.5/90.2 in his first three seasons with Denver and did in fact once beat the Patriots in a playoff game. He did throw 60 touchdowns in those seasons, but also 34 interceptions, not exactly the desired ratio for a quarterback, and even I, who did not yet really follow football at the time, knew of Denver's general loathing for Plummer and his constantly recurring ineptitude.

For everyone still basking in the Elway glow, Plummer just didn't fit the bill, and his hesitance in passing and decision-making, plus his knack for being picked at inopportune times, led Mike Shanahan to start emphasizing the run more, something which carries over to this day; he doesn't seem to realize that he can again try some of the longer passing plays with Cutler that he did with Elway. Denver employs a West Coast offense that requires a quarterback able to open lanes for the run, and if said quarterback cannot complete passes to stretch a defense horizontally, the running back is going to head smack into all those big guys on the other side of the line of scrimmage. (Hell, this happened a lot this year, as Shanahan kept calling running play after running play after running play...) But now that they have a quarterback who has the arm and smarts to be able to make passing plays work of their own accord, not simply to clear holes for running backs Travis "Da Babymaker" Henry and Selvin Young, hopefully we'll see some difference. The problem with plugging Plummer into this (or any) system, of course, was that it didn't matter if you were trying to complete long or short passes, he just wasn't a guy you could trust to complete them -- period.

People forget as well that Elway was really only a very average quarterback for the first 10 years of his career (the highest he rated in between 1983-1992 was 83.4) and although he has over 50,000 career passing yards and 300 TD, he has 226 INT as well. (His career rating, for the record, is 79.9). He was, however, a strong-armed gunslinger in the model of Brett Favre, and leading the team to consecutive Super Bowls in '97-'98, including one over Favre's Packers, ensured that didn't matter. Watching Plummer attempt mightily just to get it to the guys in blue and orange didn't quite match up. Besides, Elway had that steely-eyed, jaw-set charisma of a natural-born leader, and the much-ballyhooed and parodied "intangibles" that could will a team to win. He was responsible for orchestrating one of the best and most mythic comebacks in NFL playoff history (The Drive, 1987) and was a guy that you could always feel confident would inspire the others to play at their highest potential. Plummer, on the other hand... let's just say he didn't invoke that kind of confidence. The best you could hope for was that he wouldn't mess up too badly, or he'd stumble his way into a good game, and that reaches the players as well as the fans. They're professionals, they always play hard because it's their job, they're being paid, and they (presumably) all love football, but there's a big difference between having a quarterback with average skills and an Elway mindset and a quarterback with average skills and a Plummer mindset. But enough about J.C.'s predecessors.

Jay Christopher Cutler, future saviore to a Denver team weary of Plummer's farting around, was born on April 29, 1983, in the festively named Santa Claus, Indiana (yes, the one where they send all those Christmas letters to get the Santa Claus postmark) and grew up in a subdivision named Christmas Village, which means he probably got sick of Christmas when he was a teenager. Attending Heritage Hills High School in Lincoln, Indiana, he, like many other of the quarterbacks we've examined, played three sports; he made All-State in basketball and baseball (where he was a shortstop). But he excelled in football, and started for three years both as a quarterback and as a safety. (Cutler was good at safety, too. He intercepted 9 passes as a senior -- only one short of the 10 put up this year by San Diego's Pro Bowl corner Antonio Cromartie. Of course, this is the NFL, that was high school, but still). But when he wasn't making other quarterbacks miserable, he was doing a decent job of it on his own -- more than decent. (It should also be noted that Jay Cutler was the best Patriots quarterback in organizational history. Er, the best Heritage Hills Patriots quarterback, that is). But like his NFL counterpart Tom Brady, he also led the Patriots to a perfect season -- 15-0 his senior year after going 11-1 as a junior. Also like the NFL's Patriots, they tyrannized the competition -- the Heritage High Patriots scored 746 points while permitting only 85, and Cutler presided over a 90-0 shutout of Pike Central High School at one point, an embarrassment that would have made Belichick proud. But unlike the real Patriots, they sealed the deal. (Burn). Cutler led Heritage High to the school's first 3A state championship, in which Zionsville High School was unable to play the part of the New York Giants and pull an upset. The Patriots won 27-24.

Cutler chose to attend Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee, an unfortunate member of the SEC (Southeastern Conference) alongside heavyweights UGA, UT, UK, and UF, and generally their doormat. (Seeing as Vanderbilt is the most scholastically inclined of the lot, that explains why it becomes a problem when they face off against their football-minded rivals, who get all the best athletic recruits). But Jay started 45 games at quarterback for the Commodores, not missing a game to injury or, ahem, unavailability, which was a school record. A four-year starter (and team captain for three) Cutler wasted no time in making his mark -- as a freshman, he set records for rushing (393 yards) and touchdowns (9, plus 10 passing ones) running more than any other QB in the SEC, and was named to the All-SEC team. As a sophomore, he threw for 2,347 yards, 18 TD, 13 INT, and a 127.7 rating, as a junior it was 1,844 yards, 10 TD, 5 INT, and a 134.8 rating, and as a senior, it was 3,073 yards (only the second Commodore to throw over 3,000 in a season) 21 TD, and 9 INT with a 126.1 rating. For his performance, Cutler was the first Commodore to be named SEC Offensive Player of the Year -- in a division with the Volunteers, Gators, and Bulldogs, remember -- since 1967 and Bob Goodridge. At one point, Vanderbilt almost upset the Gators in Florida, lasting until double overtime before succumbing 49-42. They still managed to put up the second most points ever on the Gators in the Swamp, and when evaluating the Broncos' pickup in 2006, that led John Lynch to remark, "If this guy can take a bunch of future doctors and lawyers and have them competing against the Gators, this guy is a stud." He seems to be quite right thus far, and another year will only help.

Cutler went out with a flourish, closing his college career with a 28-24 win over the Volunteers in Knoxville -- the Commodores' first at their in-state rival's field since 1975, and their first overall since 1982. When he was all through, he held school records for total offense, TD passes, yards, completions, attempts, and total touchdowns, and graduated in December 2005 with a degree in human and organizational development before attending the annual NFL Scouting Combine the next spring. He impressed there as well, completing 27 repetitions on the 225-pound bench press (higher than some linemen and able to press as high as 400) and recording a 4.77 40-yard dash, being rated as the third-best quarterback prospect behind UT's Young and USC's Leinart. (Although Leinart was later selected by the Cardinals, some mock drafts had Cutler going there instead. I am glad this wasn't the other way around).

Although the Cardinals, Ravens, Raiders, and Lions had all expressed interest (dear god, I pity poor Jay if he ended up on any of those teams, especially the Raiders -- I wouldn't like having to hate him) the 11th-overall selection by the Broncos stunned everyone, Jay himself included. The Broncos had traded their 15th and 68th picks to the St. Louis Rams to take their selection, and nabbed the third ever first-round pick from the Commodores. Plummer had done nothing to endear himself in the last game the Broncos had played, a 34-17 AFC Championship game loss to the Steelers in which his three fumbles and one interception led to three Pittsburgh touchdowns, and Denver was less pleased with him than ever. It was time for a changing of the guard.

Cutler didn't bother with any silly Quinn/Rivers holdouts, signing a six-year, $48 million contract with the team in July 2006. But despite all, the brain trust wasn't ready to hand the keys to the Denver offense to a rookie just yet, and gave Plummer one last chance to prove he wasn't a total tool and could be trusted to run the team. Plummer, however, failed unequivocally at this; in passing for 1,994 yards, 11 TD, 13 INT, and a 68.8 rating, it was a miracle that the team got to 7-4, which is where it stood when Shanahan finally gave him the boot, ending weeks and weeks of Cutler/Plummer debates in the Mile High City. Plummer had his supporters, mind you, who argued that he'd gotten the team all the way to the AFC Championship the year before and that Cutler was still a rookie from a less-heralded program. But it's safe to say that nobody was really too broken up to see Plummer go.

Cutler started out with a 23-20 loss to the Seahawks on Sunday Night Football, completing 10 of 21 passes for 143 yards, 2 TD, and 2 INT. One of these TDs, however, was a 71-yard bomb to rookie WR Brandon Marshall, offering the first glimpse of what eventually could become a lethal combination in the Denver offense; if not Brady/Moss, then maybe Romo/Owens or Manning/Harrison. (Marshall is a big receiver with speed, good hands, and strength -- he excels in getting after-catch yards and it generally takes a double team to bring him down. He and Cutler took advantage of it this year, as Marshall had a 102-catch, 1,325-yard, 7-TD season and looks only to build on it next season. He and Jay, along with tight end Tony Scheffler, are spending the winter training together in Atlanta, Georgia). It took Cutler a few tries to win his first game, as he lost to the Chargers on the road the next time out, but even that wasn't without its highlights, as he and Scheffler connected for two touchdowns in the space of 48 seconds.

But he at last got his first win as a starter on December 17 against the Arizona Cardinals, 37-20, and again showed off the howitzer attached to his right shoulder by bombing a 65-yard TD pass to Javon Walker on the offense's third play from scrimmage. He finished with a 101.7 game rating, the highest for a Broncos rookie QB since Elway (of course) and earned praise from Shanahan. He definitely wasn't making anyone miss Plummer (which would have been hard anyway, but still). The Broncos won against the Bengals on Christmas Eve, 24-23, but just missed the playoffs in the last game of the season against the 49ers. Cutler had a chance to show his own toughness -- although he got concussed in the first half, he stayed in the game (this is either totally admirable or total lunacy) and even led the Broncos on a game-tying drive in the last minutes to force overtime. They didn't get as lucky there, as the 49ers kicked the winning field goal to deal Denver a heartbreaking 26-23 loss, which was made even more heartbreaking in the wee hours of January 1, 2007, only hours after they'd been eliminated. Cornerback Darrent Williams was killed in possibly gang-related violence during a New Year's party. One shot to the neck killed him instantly, and he fell onto Javon Walker, who was with him in the limousine -- what a terrible experience to have to go through, with your friend and teammate dead in your lap and gunshots outside. The team honored him by placing his #27 in prominent view during the next season, but it understandably left them stunned and grieving, marking a very somber close to the 2006 campaign. Jay finished the year with a 59.1 CP, 1,001 yards, 9 TD, 5 INT, and an 88.5 rating in 5 starts.

Cutler opened 2007 as the unquestioned starter, and in Week 1, led the Broncos 12 plays and 42 yards in the last seconds of the fourth quarter to set up Jason Elam's game-winning last-second field goal for a 15-14 triumph. (However, this was the game in which Buffalo TE Kevin Everett sustained a career-ending injury that led to doubts about if he'd even walk again after colliding with Denver kick returner Domenik Hixon; Hixon is now with the Giants. Everett's recovery is a truly heartwarming story and if you're a football fan, go read it now). But Jay also did it again the next week -- at home in Invesco against the archrival Raiders, he moved the chains 15 plays and 78 yards with 2:18 left in the fourth quarter to set up another Elam game-winning field goal. Unfortunately, there were three straight losses after that -- all to playoff teams Jaguars, Colts, and Chargers -- that left Denver fans muttering and grumbling. They went into the bye and came out of it beating the Steelers, 31-28, and lost to the Packers again in overtime the next week. However, the fact that they even got to overtime was remarkable, as Cutler proved to Favre that the young gunslinger could sling just as well as the old one, leading an 89-yard drive with 2:27 remaining to get Elam to tie it at 16. Unfortunately, they lost the coin toss and Favre unleashed a bomb to Donald Driver to win it, no doubt feeling threatened and wondering if Cutler was going to run at him and launch him into the stands with a T-shirt gun. (Yet again, I have no evidence for this, but it's fun anyway).

Cutler suffered a leg injury early on against the Lions, which led to backup Patrick Ramsey taking over instead. (Due to a video showcasing Cutler's game-by-game performance, and in which Ramsey was partnered with the "It's peanut butter jelly time!" song, I can no longer think of him as anything but Peanut Butter Ramsey). This, um, did not go well. Firstly, Denver lost to lowly Detroit in embarrassing fashion, 44-7, and Ramsey painfully proved the difference between him and Jay. He lost a fumble that was immediately run in by the Lions for a touchdown, threw another interception that was run back for another touchdown, and ended up with a 76.5 rating for the game. Fortunately, Jay was back the next week, and he rebounded in fine fashion, completing 17 of 29 with a TD and INT to lead the Broncos to a very rare 27-11 road win in the Chiefs' notoriously hostile Arrowhead Stadium. (Then again, the Chiefs just weren't that formidable this year, finishing 4-12, which might help). He also led them to a 37-20 Monday Night Football triumph against the Titans and friend Vince Young, completing 16 of 21 passes for 2 TD and no INT, but the week after that was the Bear Game That Will Not Be Spoken Of, in which all you really need to know is that Sauerbrun kicked it to Hester, twice, and Broncos fans everywhere may never get over it.

Jay and the Broncos had their best performance in Week 14 against the Chiefs, this time at home in Invesco. The Broncos slaughtered Kansas City 41-7, and Jay, in completing 20 of 27 passes for 4 TD and 0 INT, registered a career-best 141.0 game rating. Unfortunately, they lost to the Texans the next week, as the O-line might have put paper bags on the field in their uniforms for all the protection they gave Cutler, and dug themselves further with a 23-3 Christmas Eve defeat to the Chargers which saw Cutler record his lowest rating (32.7) and get shouted at by a smug prick in a lightning-bolt suit. But the Broncos rebounded to close the season in the same way they'd started, with a game-winning Elam field goal to seal a 22-19 overtime victory over the Vikings. However, their overall record was only 7-9, they lost four of their last six, and they missed the playoffs for a second straight year, which is never acceptable in football-country Denver. The Rockies made inroads into reclaiming their audience with their magical NL-winning pennant drive, but Colorado is and remains very much Broncos territory.

Cutler finished the year and made all 16 starts, later admitting it was a fatiguing grind to go through every game at the pro level, but he did quite well for it. The NFL's 12th-ranked quarterback at 88.1, he had the tenth-most yards at 3,497, which was good for seventh all-time in Broncos history. He also had the third best-ever franchise completion percentage at 63.6, and threw for 20 TD and 14 INT. He was the ninth-best in the league on third-down conversions, with a 92.0 rating (73-of-125) with 8 TD and 3 INT coming when the Broncos needed to keep moving the chains. However, he needs to work on controlling the ball better -- he fumbled at least once in 10 of 16 games for 11 overall, losing four of them. He has a formidable skill set already -- strong arm, good head, quick feet, and he is so cool under pressure as to lead to accusations of lethargy (there are always the type who want him to be a screaming leader, and apparently he's been working on taking charge of the clubhouse after a few veterans told him to make himself more of a presence). He does, however, have the mental makeup that Plummer lacks, is already a more polished talent, and shows every sign of finally being the signal-caller worthy, at least in the minds of the public, to succeed Elway. (He has already well outdone Elway's rookie and sophomore years. Starting 10 games in 1983, Elway threw for 1,663 yards, 7 TD, 14 INT, and a 54.9 rating. Starting 14 in 1984, he threw for 2,598 yards, 18 TD, 15 INT, and a 76.8 rating).

So why were the Broncos so terrible this year (at least by their standards?) One word: defense. As mentioned above, the Broncos had a porous, to say the least, D-line, and their run defense was particularly abysmal; no matter who had the football for the other team, they let him find the gaps. Their run defense was a 30th-ranked 142.6, and believe you me, for someone who watched or game-tracked all 16 games, that is very accurate; I can't count the number of times I was yelling at them to dogpile the little guy with the ball, but they never listened. Their strong corner tandem of Bailey and Bly kept their pass defense at a much more respectable 7th, but the defense ranked 28th in points allowed, permitting 25.6 on average a game, and they ranked 19th in total yards, allowing 336 on average a game. When your offense is only averaging 20 points a game and your defense is giving up 25, you can see how that becomes problematic. The Broncos will be drafting both offensive and defensive tackles, probably a safety, and at some point, need to look into taking a wide receiver as well. They have superstar in the making Marshall, but Javon Walker has worn out his welcome and will probably be leaving, Glenn Martinez is better as a kick returner only, and veteran Brandon Stokley, at 31, isn't getting any younger. The Broncos do have the pieces to effectively run a three-tight end set, with Tony Scheffler, Chad Mustard, and Daniel Graham, but they'll need more wideouts to help effectively spread the field and give Cutler more targets. The offensive run game was 9th, which isn't as bad as I was fearing, but with the Broncos' offense structured the way it is, it needs to stay there.

If they can find or sign the offensive lineman that protects Cutler and gives him time to throw, and make sure he has enough options on the other end to catch them -- plus upgrade their sad-sack defense -- the Broncos will have a chance to return to prominence next year, although they'll have a tough time with the Chargers to get atop the AFC West. They lost to San Diego twice this year, failing to score a touchdown as they combined for two field goals, one in each game, but that could always change next year. Cutler, as I and many other Broncos fans believe, is the type of player you can build a franchise around, and after he's spent the winter with Marshall and Scheffler, the three of them will have a better rapport than ever. I plan to thoroughly enjoy the Rockies' season first (BASEBALL HOLLA) but I am looking forward to September and the Broncos showing me what they can do. Hope springs eternal.

The Quarterback Quiz: San Diego Chargers

2008-02-26T23:55:00.007-07:00

So yes, I am actually spending an entire evening writing about Phyllis... er, Philip Rivers, possibly my least favorite QB in the NFL. I even managed to do it without being too snarky, although if one or two zingers slip in, I swear that isn't my fault. For the last few days, I've been reading combine news like a madwoman (the Dolphins will probably take Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long first overall, Boston College's Matt Ryan may be the first quarterback picked, I do not care about Glenn Dorsey's injury, Darren McFadden may already be turning into Travis Henry, De'Cody Fagg may have had the worst result a player can imagine in possibly suffering a career-ending injury (aside from his last name, which is also a problem) Joe Flacco is nice to little children, and will you people stop bashing Colt Brennan already? It's not his fault he was dying of flu at the Senior Bowl, so he gains weight like you want him to and you grumble some more. Notice to sports reporters: Brennan did have an NCAA career before the Sugar Bowl, and one of the best in a while, too. Fortunately, his passing performance on Sunday was one of the best -- 20 of 21, but since his only incompletion was a perfect chest-high laser that bounced out of the wide receiver's hands, they gave him a perfect 100% accuracy rating anyway. They have complained about his lack of arm strength -- several completions went for 40+ yards. Okay, off my high horse now, but I have a fondness for the former Hawaii Warriors QB and would like to see him do well).

Now, do I have a fondness for the former NC State Wolfpack QB? Not so much.

San Diego Chargers (11-5): Philip Rivers

The Chargers, after going 14-2 last year under the stewardship of Marty Schottenheimer, took the #1 AFC seed into the playoffs but lost to the Patriots 24-21 in San Diego, courtesy of one of Tom Brady's patented late-game comeback drives, and consequently bitched about the Patriots celebrating too much by dancing on their field. (It's kind of a habit). They fired Schottenheimer and thought it would be a brilliant idea to hire Norv Turner, which they did, and finished 11-5 as the third seed in the AFC, beat the defending champion Colts 28-24, and then ended their season by losing to the Patriots again 21-12, this time in Foxborough. Coming into this year, they sadly didn't have much competition, as the Broncos were in rebuilding phase, the Raiders are owned by Al Davis (the Peter Angelos of football) and the Chiefs, well, took a little tumble this year. Which meant that Marmalard, as Kissing Suzy Kolber so adeptly calls P. Rivers (and if I keep plugging that blog, it's because you need to go and read it, especially the Adventures of Marmalard) was able to lead the Chargers to the AFC West title, or at least sit back and take credit while LT continued to do the grunt work. Boo. (I told you I wasn't being snarky. I swear. It ends here. I'll try).

Philip-spelled-with-one-i-after-the-Apostle-Rivers was born in Decatur, Alabama, on December 8, 1981, but evidently he's yet to make such an impression as to get a day named after him. (There is no Philip Rivers Day, as far as I know, so at least we have been spared that horror). If you want a really terribly corny story, young Phil, who was the waterboy for the football team his father coached, made a project in fifth grade that showed his head pasted over the body of a Vikings player on the cover of Sports Illustrated. (Too bad the jinx couldn't kick in by association). Attending Athens High School, Rivers played quarterback and free safety, got named Alabama Player of the Year, and graduated with a 3.70 GPA, all of which he carried off to North Carolina State. There, he led the Pack to four bowl games (two Tangerine, one Gator, one Citrus) won three of them and got named MVP, and was also named MVP of the Senior Bowl in his last year as he went about setting just about every NC State record for quarterbacks. His won-loss in his time at school was 34-17 out of a NCAA-record 51 starts, he is second all-time with 13,484 yards, fifth all-time with 95 TD passes, seventh in Heisman voting his senior year, the 2003 ACC (Atlantic Coast Conference) Player of the Year, first ACC player with 3 3,000-yard seasons, and second-team All-America as a senior. He graduated with his degree in business.

(YOINK! Now that I've just said plenty of good things about Rivers....) Coming into the 2004 draft, Rivers was rated as the third-best quarterback available behind Ole Miss's Eli Manning and Miami University's Ben Roethlisberger. Interestingly enough, a number of draft prognosticators had Rivers, not Roethlisberger, taken by the Steelers at the eleventh overall slot, but of course, that didn't happen. The Chargers took Eli first, the Giants took Rivers fourth, and the two teams swapped young, promising QBs, along with New York flinging a pair of draft picks San Diego's way. The Chargers made good use of these, selecting outside linebacker Shawne Merriman and kicker Nate Kaeding, and until recently, the trade looked like total highway robbery. (Eli's Super Bowl MVP may herald his emergence as a totally different player, or it may herald him getting on the mother of all lucky streaks. Time will tell). Rivers eventually was signed to a 6-year, $40-million deal, but this took so long, and he was off holding out, that the Chargers gave recently-profiled Drew Brees the chance to start another season while Rivers was counting zeros and cackling diabolically, probably calling Brady Quinn and giving him advice on what to do when he hit the big-time. Either that or since his signing bonus was $14.5 million, Rivers was too busy selecting a personal yacht and would not be bothered until this delicate operation had concluded. Naturally, this didn't do wonders for his playing time, as he saw action in only two games, neither starts, in 2004, in which he completed 5 of 8 passes for 1 TD and 0 INT, resulting in a TEH AWESOME passer rating of 110.9.

Philipotamus again only saw 2 games, no starts, in 2005, completing 12 of 22 passes for no TD and 1 INT, rating a 50.4 and getting most of his action after Brees suffered the season-ending shoulder injury against Denver. Since the Chargers didn't re-sign Brees after that, Rivers finally took over the starting quarterback job in 2006 and did (ulp) quite well, completing 284 of 460 attempts (a 61.7 percentage) for 3,388 yards, 22 TD, 9 INT, and a 92.0 rating. But since he had the 2006 MVP LT on his team, you have to wonder to whom all the offensive credit really goes. Rivers did indeed play well, and showed that he could back up his big NCAA numbers with success in the NFL, but as of February 4, 2008, both Roethlisberger and the much-maligned Manning have won a Super Bowl, leaving him the only member of the highly touted Class of '04 that has not. (Get on that! No actually, don't, definitely don't, it's all right if you never do). Rivers didn't exactly improve on his strong showing this year, however. While he still threw for 3,152 yards and 21 TD, he added 15 picks and a 10-points-lower rating (82.4) while listing his hobbies as jawing at everybody from Jay Cutler to old ladies, mailboxes, and vending machines, along with promoting celibacy and AAAAASSKING SOMEBOOODAAAY. However, to give credit where credit is due, he did play the AFC Championship Game on two bad knees (and supposedly without an ACL in one) so although he may not be able to walk when he is 45, he is doing his best at staking a claim to Brett Favre-like Tuffness. He is undergoing surgery this offseason and hopes to be ready for an all-new campaign of blinding Bolting awesomeness this 2008, coming to a Qualcomm near you.

All right, I've had enough of writing about Marmalard. My favorite team tomorrow, and my favorite player! Expect a novel. If I can get up the ambition, and the memory, to actually get down everything I want to say, which can always be an issue.

The Quarterback Quiz: Atlanta Falcons

2008-02-25T22:55:00.003-07:00

Now this is an easy one, if only because I don't have to really write about any guy in particular; the Falcons are in a state of Armageddon at quarterback. Also, can I be the only one that thinks their logo looks like a llama, not a falcon? I swear, the claw looks like a llama head, the actual falcon looks like its little topknot, and every time I see the damn thing, I'm reminded of Kuzco from the Disney cartoon The Emperor's New Groove. Also, funny note: I once had a dream that Falcons quarterback Byron Leftwich (former Falcons quarterback, I should say, since they cut him a few days after the Super Bowl) did not like one of my books, and was getting all up in arms about it. I must be an insecure writer indeed, if I'm dreaming of Byron Leftwich's displeasure. Byron Leftwich, people. I'm serious.

Atlanta Falcons (4-12): Whichever Summabitch Wants The Damn Job

Now that Ron Mexico... excuse me, Michael Vick, is enjoying the comforts of the federal penitentiary system following his extremely well-publicized trial and conviction for running a dogfighting ring, the Falcons have been left with no successor behind center. They tried all sorts of bit parts -- Matt Schaub, Byron Leftwich, Joey Harrington, yo momma -- and since they won the third overall pick in the draft on a coin flip, they almost have to take either Boston College's Matt Ryan or Delaware's Joe Flacco, a pair of QBs from slightly smaller schools who created a lot of buzz at this week's just-concluded scouting combine. Ryan is projected to be the first QB off the board, is as close to a finished product as is available, and Flacco has physical size, arm strength, confidence, and all the other qualities you'd want in a young QB to re-build the franchise around. Since the Falcons don't pick again for some time, all the best options may be gone by then (unless they can take advantage of a Colt Brennan/Andre Woodson/John David Booty-type slipping to the later rounds, as may happen with any or all of those three).

Either way, quarterback is by far the Falcons' biggest need in the draft, and once they choose somebody from the above list, I'll come back in April and give them a proper preview. In the meantime, it's just not worth profiling any of their internal options, as clearly those aren't the answer. So, I shall issue an IOU on the Falcons for now, conclude the NFC South, and move onto the AFC West tomorrow. Which means our star will be... brace yourself... Philip Rivers! YOU BETTA ASK SOMEBODDAAAYYYY!!

The Quarterback Quiz: New Orleans Saints

2008-02-24T23:46:00.002-07:00

(Fuck it, Firefox tries to open some stupid "anti-spyware" program -- read, spyware-installing program -- freezes, and loses everything I had thus far. At least it wasn't too much, or I'd be spitting tacks -- effing computers). Just the Saints and then the Falcons to go, and then I'll be into the division I know best, which is the AFC West; after that, there's just one division to go until I'm done. (Small note: How the hell were the Saints once in the NFC West and the Arizona Cardinals in the NFC East? Did somebody get their directions backwards or what?) If you aren't watching the Academy Awards, or are checking later, here's the latest installment.

New Orleans Saints (7-9): Drew Brees

The Saints' quarterback is better than the team's record indicated this season, as they took a tumble to a sub-.500 showing a year after making the NFC Championship game. They probably should have won, if you ask me, since a) it was a good story to come out of New Orleans after the devastation of Katrina, and b) who really wanted the Bears in there anyway? But they didn't, and instead finished third in the South this year despite another strong showing from Brees. With star running back Reggie Bush under investigation for allegedly accepting over $300,000 in endorsements while at USC -- a big no-no under NCAA rules -- it falls to Brees to bear the most scrutiny as the chief component of the offense in the meantime. It wasn't an entirely terrible offense, as 23.7 averaged points a game ranked 12th, and 361.2 yards a game ranked 4th, but that was far and away generally due to Brees, as the 269.6 passing yards a game for the Saints ranked a surprising third, only behind the Patriots and Packers. The run game, meanwhile, languished at a 28th-ranked 91.6 (hey, thanks a zillion, Reggie) and a great deal of the Saints' problems can be attributed to their porous defense -- they were ranked 25th in points allowed with 24.2 on average, 26th in yards allowed with 348.1 on average, 30th in pass defense with 245.2 on average, and a slightly more respectable 13th in run defense with 102.9 allowed on average.

Born in Austin, Texas, Brees attended Westlake High School and as a senior, led them to a 16-0 season (see, if he can do it in high school, it's not such a big deal for the Patriots, right? Heh). He garnered offensive MVP honors for Class 5A with 3,528 yards and 31 TDs, and ended up going all the way to Indiana for college, where he enrolled at Purdue, majored in "Industrial Management" (does that mean he's going to work with the "Steelers" when he's done with football? Heh, heh, heh, all right I'll cut it out) and set Big 10 records left and right for the Boilermakers, including passing yards, (11,792) completions (1,026) attempts (1,678) touchdown passes (90) In his sophomore year, he got the unranked Boilermakers to upset #4 Kansas State in the Whosi Whatsit Bowl (actually the Builders Square Alamo Bowl, but I think my name fits better -- I wonder how they pick bowl names, anyway -- stick their hand in a fishbowl of corporate names and see what comes out?) He came in fourth and third in Heisman voting in 1999 and 2000, and in his senior year, was named Academic All-America Player of the Year, so evidently he was very good at whatever Industrial Management actually entails. He capped it all off by beating powerhouse Ohio State to get Purdue to Pasadena (read: Rose Bowl) for the first time since 1967. Unfortunately, that didn't help them against the University of Washington Huskies, who beat them 34-24, but it was a great accomplishment for them nonetheless.

Brees was taken with the Chargers' first pick in the second round of 2001, ending up alongside LaDainian Tomlinson, who he had played against in college (Tomlinson was on the TCU Horned Frogs). Together, they decided to whip an underachieving San Diego team into shape. Brees spent 2001 on the sidelines behind then-starter Doug Flutie, but got his chance in 2002, when he started all 16 games. He threw for a 60.8 completion percentage, 3,284 yards, 17 TD but also 16 INT, and a a 76.9 rating in his first pro season, and the Chargers finished 8-8, but that was better than the next. The Chargers went 4-12, Brees started 11 games and Flutie started 5, and Brees finished with a career-low 2,108 yards, 11 TD/15 INT, and 67.5 passer rating. However, Brees made a remarkable rebound in 2004 with a breakout season; he still holds the highest single-season rating for a Chargers QB because of it. He started 15 games and completed 65.5 percent of his passes for 3,159 yards, 27 TD, 7 INT, and a 104.8 rating, earning NFL Comeback Player of the Year honors. But after that, he was a free agent, and the club had just pulled off the Manning/Rivers trade the year before to send Eli to Jersey and bring Phyllis to San Diego. In fact, Rivers might have been the starter that year if he wasn't too busy pulling a Brady Quinn-style holdout (who's surprised?) which gave Brees the chance to keep his job.

However, he didn't leave San Diego just yet, as the Chargers franchise-tagged him and paid him $8 million for the 2005 season. And he started 16 games that year, letting Rivers sit and think about whatever he was planning to do with his signing bonus. Brees, meanwhile, set career highs (for then) in passing yards with 3,576, throwing for 24 TD/15 INT and an 89.7 rating. A highlight of that year was leading the Chargers into Gillette in Week 4 and dumping the Patriots' home winning streak on its ass with a thud; 41-17 was the final. Brees had a 137.5 rating for the game, with 19 completions in 24 attempts, 248 yards, 2 TD, and 0 INT. But at the end of 2005, he was injured in a game against the Broncos; while trying to recover a fumble that John Lynch had helped him along with, he was leveled by Denver tackle Gerard Warren and suffered a torn labrum in his shoulder, along with rotator cuff damage. The injury was quite serious, and it eventually led to Brees' departure from the Chargers; although they wanted him back, they were concerned that the shoulder would never be at full strength again. They offered him a reduced-rate deal to re-sign, but Brees demanded franchise-quarterback-type money and the two sides couldn't come to a compromise.

The Dolphins and the Saints expressed interest, and Brees ended up signing with the latter for 6 years and $60 million on March 14, 2006. It was a sound investment for New Orleans, as Brees surpassed his career passing yards-high with 4,418 to go with a 64.3 completion percentage, 26 TD, 11 INT, and a 96.2 record in leading the Saints to a 10-6 record (first in the South). They beat the Eagles in the divisional playoffs, 27-24, and moved on to meet the Bears. Although Brees threw for 354 yards and 2 TD, he also turned the ball over three times, and the Bears beat them handily, 39-14. All was not lost, as Brees did finish second in MVP voting behind former Chargers teammate LT, but surely he'd have liked a chance to face the Colts in Miami just a bit better. The Saints had the popular sentiment behind them after Katrina, but it didn't pan out. (To his credit, Brees has also been invested in restoring his adopted hometown, donating generously to hurricane-relief charities and renovating a historic home in the Uptown district of New Orleans).

Brees continued to be successful this year and took every snap, with 28 TD and 18 INT; he again threw upwards of 4,000 yards with 4,423, his highest career total by 5 yards over last year's. He had an 89.4 rating and completed 440 of 652 attempts, but failed to galvanize the Saints to a repeat playoff appearance. Nor was Reggie Bush the dynamic difference-maker he was in college, with 157 carries, 581 yards, and only 4 TD. And of course, the defense was a problem. But with Brees under contract for the next three years and only 29, it's not likely they need to go quarterback-hunting in the draft. What they should do is go fishing in the deep defensive pool instead.

(Sheez... it's 11:46... that took forever).

The Quarterback Quiz: Carolina Panthers

2008-02-23T19:15:00.014-07:00

Yes, well, I missed last night. Occasionally it happens... sometimes, clearly. I've been reading a lot of stuff about the combine, and was debating writing a post about all that, but decided against it... I'll definitely have some stuff closer to the draft. In the meantime, the Panthers, who may very well be looking for one of the quarterbacks from that draft, get their day in the sun today.

Carolina Panthers (7-9): Jake Delhomme/Matt Moore

Carolina, the other feline-themed expansion team introduced in 1995 (aside from the Jaguars) had terrible trouble keeping one guy behind center for 16 games; they ended up using a combination of four. Starter Jake Delhomme suffered a season-ending injury in Week 3, David Carr was ineffective, Vinny Testaverde was old, and Matt Moore, a rookie installed in Week 15, at least managed to win two of three, although doing so with a certain amount of bumps. However, if Delhomme is healthy following Tommy John surgery (more common in baseball) he projects to be the starter. This is a big if, as it's a finicky procedure to come back from in the best of times and Delhomme is already 33. Moore is 10 years younger at 23, but not a finished product, and Carr and Testaverde have been shown the door, probably to the relief of Panthers fans. The organization can't count on Delhomme coming back and being the same as ever, nor Moore suddenly stepping up and being ready for full-time duty, so I imagine they'll be checking out what's on the board quarterback-wise at some point in April.

Jake Christopher Delhomme, despite his very whitebread-sounding name, is actually the son of two Cajuns; his last name translates to "the man," which is what he is to Panthers fans. Born in Breaux Bridge, Louisiana, he grew up very immersed in Cajun culture -- he has 21 first cousins who form a cheering squad for him and has the support of his hometown for being proud of his heritage; Breaux Bridge has plenty of products and signs supporting Jake and the Panthers. Jake and his father take a keen interest in horses, and once he's finished with his playing days, he'll go home to Louisiana and continue raising them. Delhomme attended private Teurlings Catholic High School in Lafayette, and although Peyton Manning was playing high school ball at Isidore Newman in New Orleans at the same time, the two future NFL pros didn't face each other.

Delhomme played defensive back in addition to quarterback and got named All-State -- but on defense, not offense. But as a senior, back to his original spot, Delhomme threw for over 3,300 yards and 32 yards; he parlayed this momentum into enrollment at the University of Southwestern Louisiana (now known as the University of Louisiana at Lafayette). He was the starter as a true freshman in 1993, the only Division I freshman starter, and finished with a winning record three of the four years he was taking the snaps for the Ragin' Cajuns. Despite finishing as the all-time leader in yards and TDs, and playing 43 straight games (before his injury problems showed up) he went undrafted in 1997. This, however, was not all to the bad, as it enabled the New Orleans Saints to pluck the hometown kid out of their backyard and send him to play in the (now-defunct) NFL Europa after a brief taster on their practice squad.

Delhomme found himself overseas playing one season for the Amsterdam Admirals, back to Louisiana to play on the practice squad, and then back to Europe with the Frankfort Galaxy. He was allowed to see much more playing time in Frankfort than he had in Amsterdam, and after putting up a line of 1,410 yards, a 67.3 CP, 12 TD, and 5 INT in their World Bowl-winning season, the Saints decided to bring him back home for full-time third-stringer duty. Delhomme certainly would have preferred to be playing, but waited for his opportunity and didn't ultimately get it in New Orleans. He played in four games in 2002, none starts, and became a free agent that offseason. Ultimately, the Saints cut and reinstated him five times; Delhomme must have felt a bit like a ping-pong ball.

Still staying close to home in the South, he ended up signing with the Panthers, hoping to help the team improve on what had been a grueling 1-15 showing the year before, back when they were playing the part of the 2007 Miami Dolphins and set a record for consecutive losses. Starter Rodney Peete played just one half of one game, the season opener against their fellow big cat Jaguars, and with the Panthers down 17-0 at halftime, Delhomme got the call. He proceeded to lead them to a comeback victory with three touchdown passes, including one on fourth down with 16 seconds remaining in the game, and thereafter was firmly installed as the starter.
He steered the team on an improbable run through the playoffs, and got them all the way to Super Bowl XXXVIII, where the plucky but doomed Panthers were beaten on one of Adam Vinatieri's three Super Bowl-winning field goals, 32-29. (What generated much more clucking than the actual game was the fact that this was the Super Bowl where "wardrobe malfunction" entered the American lexicon, and the puritanical viewing public went to town with their caterwauling hysteria). It was a remarkable and meteoric turnaround for a team that had been a punchline just a year before to get to the big game, and they seemed to suffer from a bit of a letdown the next season. Injuries ravaged the Panthers' O-line, contributing to a 1-7 start, but Delhomme got the ship righted by winning six of their last eight games.

The Panthers missed the playoffs in 2004 (ironically, thanks to Delhomme's old employer the Saints) but made it back in 2005, getting all the way to the NFC Championship game again before losing to the Seahawks (who later lost to the Steelers in the Super Bowl). That was the year Delhomme had one of his most successful personal seasons to date, as he completed 60.2 percent of his passes for 3,421 yards, 24 TD, and 16 INT, and a 88.1 rating. He had similar or better numbers in 2004 -- 58.2 completion, 3,886 yards, 29 TD/15 INT, and an 87.3 rating, but pushed the team farther in '05. But in 2006, his injury demons started to show up; it was his eighth pro season and he was already 32, and despite starting 47 of 48 contests in the past three seasons, he injured his thumb and had to sit out for three games. He was still statistically successful, if not quite what he'd accomplished before -- 61.0 CP, 2,805 yards, 17 TD, 11 INT, and 82.6 rating, and was preparing to improve on those numbers this year before the elbow injury, incurred in Week 3 against the Falcons, ended his season. Until then, Delhomme had come out of the gate like a gunslinger, with 8 TD, 1 INT, 624 yards, and a 111.8 rating to start out the season, winning two of his first three games.

Delhomme signed a 5-year, $38 million extension with the Panthers in 2004, meaning that he's under contract for this and next season, but his long-term prognosis with the club is uncertain due to his age (he'll be 35 when it's through) and his suddenly uncertain status injury-wise. In his absence, the team tried a whole roulette of replacements, and finally settled on Matt Moore as the most suitable one. The two have several interesting things in common. Also like Delhomme, Moore played both quarterback and defensive back at William S. Hart High School in Newhall, CA, although when he got named to All-State, it was on the offensive side of the ball. He steered his high-school team to an undefeated record as a senior and opted to become a UCLA Bruin, where he also was a true-freshman quarterback starter. He started four of eight games for UCLA his sophomore year, but after being injured, ended up transferring to community college in Santa Clarita, which did not have a football team. When he returned to football, it was a decision between Colorado State and Oregon State; he ended up at the latter and got the Beavers to the Rose Bowl. He averaged 271.1 yards a game, second in the Pac-1o conference behind (no surprise) USC's Leinart. In his senior season, 2006, he led the Beavers to a Sun Bowl win over the Missouri Tigers.

Also like Delhomme, Moore was not drafted out of college, but signed as a rookie free agent; in his case, it was by the Dallas Cowboys. He performed well for them in preseason, but was waived anyway, and the Panthers, perhaps foreseeing the quarterback mess that was going to result shortly, picked him up off the wire. Moore got his first taste of starter action in Week 5 against (ironically) New Orleans, who the Panthers beat 16-13. He entered the game after Delhomme's first replacement, David Carr, got hurt after a sack, and completed one of two pass attempts for 43 yards. However, Carr returned shortly thereafter, and Moore was consigned to the bench until Week 15, in which the Panthers had finally run short of patience with Carr's timid incompetence and Testaverde's advanced age.

The 23-year-old Moore got the call against the Seahawks, and completed 19 of 27 passes for no touchdowns or interceptions, 208 yards, and a 92.8 rating. A Week 16 20-13 loss against the Cowboys saw him finish only 15 of 28 against a strong defensive unit, with one TD and interception and a 70.8 rating; it also saw him get sacked five times. But he recovered to lead the Panthers to victory in their final game of the season, a 31-23 triumph against the playoff-bound Buccaneers, with 15 completions in 24 attempts, 2 TD/1 INT, and 174 yards to go with a 94.8 rating. His final numbers were 3 TD/5 INT (twice earlier in the season, he was inserted in the game for a few pass attempts -- 2/5 with a pick, and 0/1 with his only attempt being picked), 730 yards, and a 67.0 rating despite his passable success as a starter.

The Panthers finished 7-9, second in the relatively soft South, and will certainly be hoping that Delhomme is ready to go back to work; healthy, he's among one of the better QBs in the league. Their offense could use some help across the board, as it ranked 27th in points scored (16.7 average) 29th in yards per game (284.9 average) 29th in pass yards (170.9 average) and 14th in rushing yards (114.0). Their defense ranks about the middle of the pack -- the four categories named above see them neatly lined up 15th-16th-17th-18th. Their top receiving threat, Steve Smith, had 87 receptions for 1,002 yards and 7 TDs, but behind him by a fair margin were Drew Carter (38 catches/517 yards/4 TD) and Jeff King (46 catches/406 yards/2 TD). Running backs DeShaun Foster and DeAngelo Williams combined for 391 touches, 1,593 yards, and 7 TD (and Foster was just released). But since the Panthers lagged behind their opponents in almost every offensive category in '07, they'll want to work on improving their attack. If Delhomme is healthy and back to his old self, great, but don't count on it.

The Quarterback Quiz: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

2008-02-21T22:01:00.003-07:00

This quiz is a few hours later than normal, since I was busy doing homework. Getting to sleep in very, very late today was also nice, I ran about, and once I got back from dinner, I had to tend to other things. No matter, I didn't forget. Here we are, a hot-off-the-presses QB Quiz, starring.... Jeff Garcia! (Although not his wife, or T.O.).

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7): Jeff Garcia

The NFC South is a bit of a weak-sauce division. The Bucs, in fact, are the only team to have won a Super Bowl (in 2002, against the Raiders, which earns them kudos from Broncos fans from stopping the Silver & Black Heart Attack from picking up any more titles than necessary). While the Saints made it to the NFC championship game last season, they got beaten by the Bears, the Panthers have only been around for 12 years, and the Falcons are rapidly becoming much more of a punchline than they would like, what with Michael Vick's arrest and their head-coaching shenanigans. The Bucs made it to the playoffs this season, but got bounced on their home field by the eventual champion Giants, 24-14. With less-than-overwhelming competition around them, they will be eying a return to the postseason. Getting them there is likely to fall on the shoulders of Jeff Garcia. Former starter Chris Simms suffered a season-ending and serious injury in 2006, and although he re-signed with the Bucs thinking he would start, he ended up on IR for the rest of the year in October. Garcia took over the reins, and going into this season, is penciled in as the Bucs' starter after finishing with a 94.6 rating, the third highest of his career. Still, he's 37, Simms became inexplicably terrible even before he was hurt, and third-stringer Bruce Gradkowski has struggled, posting a 3-8 record as a starter. The Bucs may be checking out what's available in the draft.

Born in Gilroy, California, Garcia attended Gilroy High School and lettered in football and basketball (only two sports? What an underachiever). He attended San Jose State University, playing quarterback for the Spartans -- he had 6,545 passing yards, 48 TD, and a 129.4 passer rating, but went undrafted by an NFL team and instead got his start with the Calgary Stampeders of the Canadian Football League. He was a backup for the first few seasons, but in his three years as primary starter, led them to records of 13-5, 10-8, and 12-6. (The CFL season is 18 games long and there are some minor rule differences -- the Canadian field is 110 yards long instead of the American 100, with much larger endzones. There are twelve men on the field in the Canadian style of play, instead of the famous eleven in American, and the tight end is an American innovation that generally isn't seen in the CFL. There is more pressure on Canadian teams to make immediately successful plays, as they only get three downs as opposed to the American four, so they don't have the luxury of wasting downs or only going for short gains. The faster pace is shown also in the fact that CFL teams have 20 instead of 25 seconds in between plays to re-assemble at the line of scrimmage and run another set. The CFL doesn't have a fair catch rule, the NFL does, and the CFL doesn't have false start penalties, as the entire offense is allowed to be in motion at the time of the snap. They also have a whole different set of clock-management rules past a certain time in the game, and only allow one timeout per team per half, resulting in a much different use of clock strategy. CFL players can have a catch called with only one foot in bounds, where in the NFL it takes both. Players such as Garcia who transition between the leagues can easily be thrown off by these changes before they adapt).

Anyway. Garcia led the Stampeders to a Grey Cup victory (the CFL's Super Bowl) in 1998 and from there made the transition to the NFL, where he was signed by the San Francisco 49ers in 1999. After starter Steve Young suffered a concussion in the early going, Garcia stepped in and made 10 starts for the rest of the year, throwing for 2,544 yards, 11 TD and INT, and a 77.9 passer rating. Keeping the first-string job after Young retired, he improved drastically the next year, where he enjoyed a breakout season -- 4,278 yards, 31 TD, 10 INT, and 4 rush TD to go with a 97.6 rating and a Pro Bowl selection. Despite this, the Niners finished only 6-10, but rebounded to make the playoffs in both of the next two years -- Garcia made three consecutive trips to Hawaii as he was also elected as a Pro Bowler in '01 and '02. He led a massive late-game comeback against the Giants in a playoff game in 2003 -- down 38-14 with 3 minutes left in the third quarter, he engineered drives that led to 25 unanswered points and an eventual 39-38 victory. Garcia's performance that year, otherwise, was deemed poor -- 2,704 yards, 18 TD/13 INT, a 80.1 record, and a well-publicized spat with his mouthy wide receiver Terrell Owens, who famously insinuated that Garcia, er, liked men. (Garcia later married a Playboy Playmate to prove that he didn't).

The 49ers let him go and he signed in 2004 with the Cleveland Browns, with whom he spent one season, starting 10 games. His Pro Bowl game had taken a bit of a hit, as he ended up with 1,731 yards, 10 TD, 9 INT, and a 76.7 rating, numbers that led to his release by the club at the end of the year. Becoming a bit of a pinball after his initially successful career, he signed with the Lions in 2005, starting five games with 937 yards, 3 TD, 6 INT, and a poor 65.1 rating. (He should have just blamed Matt Millen, everyone else does). The Lions understandably weren't impressed with his showing and Garcia was turned out on his ear again, resurfacing with the Philadelphia Eagles in 2006 to back up McNabb. This surprisingly rejuvenated his suddenly fading career -- after McNabb suffered his annual season-ending injury, Garcia stepped in to start 6 games, throwing 10 TD to only 2 INT and recording a 95.8 rating, his highest since his standout 2000 season. He won five consecutive games and helped the Eagles clinch the NFC East title with a 10-6 final record; they beat the Giants again in wild-card play, but lost in the divisional round to the Saints. Although both Garcia and the Eagles were left satisfied with the services of the other, they opted to let him move on yet again and sign younger backup Feeley to be McNabb's primary replacement.

Garcia caught on with the Bucs before the 2007 season, where he came in expecting to compete with Simms. The Bucs had gone a lowly 4-12 the year before, so when Garcia got the starting job and led them to a 9-7 record and a playoff berth, it was a nice change. In starting 13 games, he finished with 2,440 yards, 13 TD, 4 INT, and a 94.6 rating, which was good for 7th in the NFL. However, they weren't able to make it three straight wins over the Giants in the postseason, as they lost the first game they played. Garcia got the call to replace Brett Favre in the Pro Bowl when Favre pulled out, making his first appearance there since 2002. Somewhat amusingly, he threw a TD pass to old foe Owens in helping the NFC with their 42-30 victory; maybe not seeing each other for a few years helps with the enmity, or maybe it's just Hawaii and you're there to play a backyard scrimmage and get some money. Or, more likely, they just avoided the subject.

Competing in a weak division, the Bucs will hope to carry over their improved play from this year into next. Garcia's contract is up after this year, so their quarterback situation will be unsettled; Simms and Gradkowski aren't looking like long-term answers. The Bucs have a very solid defensive unit, rating third in points allowed, 2nd in yards allowed, and 1st in pass yards allowed (although their run protection lags behind at 17th). Their offense is only middling, so they'll go hunting for some new scoring weapons in April. Given their other options, that will probably at some point include a signal-caller too.

The Quarterback Quiz: Houston Texans

2008-02-20T16:29:00.007-07:00

The good news? My class got canceled this morning. The bad news? I found out after I'd already gotten out of bed early and gone to the classroom and was sitting there for 15 minutes, so I didn't even get to sleep in. What did I do instead? Tooled around, ran errands, forgot to fax important papers, and wrote the first page of an essay. What does this have to do with the Houston Texans? Absolutely zippo.

Houston Texans (8-8): Matt Schaub/Sage Rosenfels

The Texans, aside from having an unimaginative name (Houston Steers? Houston Hurricanes? Houston Republicans? C'mon, there's got to be something) are the baby of the NFL; founded in 2002, they've only had three starting quarterbacks, two if you count Rosenfels as the backup taking over when Schaub got injured. David Carr was the quarterback for five seasons, but he was eventually traded to the Panthers, tried to fill Delhomme's absence, and generally failed. The Texans' baby steps were difficult too -- they have gone 4-12, 5-11, 7-9, 2-14, 6-10, and this year, made it all the way to .500 at 8-8. Next step: Have a winning season. The responsibility for this task falls on Schaub, and Rosenfels if Schaub gets injured again. In a tough AFC South, the Texans' main accomplishment thus far has been stealing offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak from the Broncos to be their head coach. (The Broncos have not been the same since, as I get this feeling that Shanny has decided to do all the playcalling himself-- favorite being: "Give it to the little guys and run smack up the middle into all those big guys." I also think that Shanny forgets he has a quarterback that can execute the passing section of the playbook, as he was so used to Jake Plummer routinely becoming a soggy pile of fail. But this is the Texans quiz, not the Broncos).

Matt Schaub, born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, got started at East High School in West Chester and, like several other quarterbacks we've examined, played basketball and baseball in addition to football. He was captain of the football team, All-County, and All-State, in baseball he was All-Area and Chestermont League Sophomore of the Year, and in basketball, he was Top 5 on the scoring list. In other words, a quintessential jock who was probably extremely popular with his classmates and less so with teachers. (I have no evidence to back up that assertion). He chose to attend the University of Virginia, where he set Cavalier records for starts at quarterback (40) completion percentage (66.9%) passing yards (7502) touchdown passes (56) and completions (716). For his efforts, he was named the 2002 Atlantic Coast Conference Player of the Year and his name even turned up as a candidate for the Heisman. For the first half of his college career, he ran an effective two-quarterback system, switching off with Bryson Spinner, which prevented undue wear and tear on both of them. But Spinner transferred to the University of Richmond, which left Schaub in full command of the signal-calling duties. A shoulder injury derailed his senior season, but he still finished with 2,952 yards, 18 TD, and 10 INT that year.

Schaub was selected by the Atlanta Falcons in the third round of the 2004 draft, 90th overall, where he saw limited time, averaging 52 attempts a year in 38 games, but only 2 starts. (He did, however, play in all 16 games in both 2005 and 2006, seeing a lot more time than your average backup... but then again, it was Michael Vick in front of him. He's an unstable fellow). Schaub was traded for draft picks to the Texans, which considering the fact that the Falcons immediately afterwards found themselves in something of a quarterback pickle, was another suspect move on the part of a quarterback-challenged team (they, if you'll recall, also ran Brett Favre out of town, but I suppose that's a case of 20/20 hindsight). But Schaub got off to a good start in Houston, winning each of his first two starts (against the Chiefs and the Panthers) completing over 70% of his passes in each game and attaining a quarterback rating over 100. He ended up starting 11 games, with 9 TDs, 9 INT, 2,241 yards, and a 87.2 rating, before being knocked out December 2 against the Titans with a separated shoulder. This opened the door for Rosenfels.

Rosenfels, born in Maquoketa, Iowa, decided to do his future fellow quarterback one better -- he lettered in football, basketball, baseball, tennis, and track at Maquoketa High School, making All-State in the former three. One wonders how he had time to do anything else with all those sports he was playing, but he enrolled at Iowa State, majored in marketing, and was a four-year starter for the Cyclones in the Big 12 Conference. He finished with 4,164 total yards, 19 TD and 26 INT, and 3o6 completions on 587 attempts (52.1%), in addition to showing an ability to move the chains on the ground -- he had 660 rush yards and 14 rush TDs on 164 carries, 10 of those coming his senior year. These numbers, although modest, were enough to warrant a fourth-round, 109th-overall pick by the Redskins in 2001, but he saw no playing time in the one season he spent with Washington, as he was third on the depth chart. He moved to the Dolphins the next year and played in four games (no starts) finishing with zero completions on three attempts. He didn't get a start until 2004, one of three games he played in with Miami again, but when he became an unrestricted free agent after the 2005 season, he signed with the Texans.

His first season in Houston red went well, as he completed 27 of 39 passes (69.2%) for 3 TD and 1 INT, playing in four games but starting none of them. His opportunity to start more than one game in a season finally came with Schaub's injury in Week 13, so he took over in Week 14 against the Buccaneers and won, 38-14. (He also beat the Broncos in Week 15, 31-13, but I prefer not to think about that. Firstly, it was due to the fact that the Broncos' O-line, as has been proved by filmed evidence, did not even give Cutler 4 seconds to throw before Mario Williams and the rest of the Houston defense was allowed to bust through and sit on his head. This was not due to anything Rosenfels did, unless he spiked the Broncos' Gatorade with Ambien). Still, he finished 4-1 as a starter against Schaub' s 4-7, and the one loss came to the Colts. Then again, beating the Raiders, Buccaneers, and Broncos isn't terribly difficult, but he did however help the Texans shellack the playoff-bound Jaguars 42-28 in Week 17 -- even though Quinn Gray, starting for the Jags in place of Garrard, threw 4 touchdown passes.

The Texans defense, led by sack machine Williams, isn't as formidable as you'd think from watching that Broncos game. They allowed an average of 24 points a game (22nd in the NFL) 344.2 yards a game (24th) 230.1 passing yards a game (25th) and 114.1 rush yards a game (19th). Their offense was somewhat better, averaging 23.7 points a game (12th) 333.6 total yards (14th) 234.4 pass yards (11th) and 99.1 rush yards (22nd). For a team still in diapers and one that's never had much success, they still need a leader and a star performer. Schaub might eventually fit the bill, or he might not -- first he needs to stay healthy in his second year with the team and hope Kubiak keeps working his wizardry. (And we let him go. Thanks billions, Shanahan). The Texans may not get to their first-ever winning season next year, but they seem content with their QBing options for now.

And with that, I finish my 20th Quarterback Quiz and the AFC South -- only the NFC South and A/NFC Wests to go, 12 more teams in all. I'll probably post some stuff about the NFL Combine, now taking place in Indianapolis, and after that, go back to the Quizzes. In the meantime, I am still warming up for baseball blogging by reading, surprise, loads of baseball blogs. My current site of choice is It Is High, It Is Far, It is... Caught. Although this blog is run by (gasp!) diehard Yankees fans, it is also Yankees fans with the rare ability to make fun of themselves and who hate the Red Sox just as much as I do. Plus, it's hysterical.

Happy Vince Young Day, everyone!

The Quarterback Quiz: Tennessee Titans

2008-02-19T21:04:00.005-07:00

I have thus far spent the evening typing up what I hand-wrote of my latest story in my notebook, checking to see if there is any homework I can avoid doing, and reading fantasy baseball previews in great depth, even though I am not a fantasy person myself (not enough time). All of this has combined to make me start slavering for the start of the baseball season, but even though I generally leave my blogging tasks undone, not this time. (Applause). We continue with el Quizzos.

Tennessee Titans (10-6): Vince Young

The Titans made it to the postseason this year, even if their means of qualifying didn't really count. A Browns loss earlier in the day meant that Cleveland took the final spot if Tennessee lost; if the Titans won against the Colts, they were in. After playing Peyton Manning for precisely 16 pass attempts, the Colts appeared to say, "Screw it, we'll make Cleveland hate us," and put in their hapless backup Jim Sorgi -- when faced with such un-terrifying competition, the Titans won the game 16-10, sewing up the AFC's sixth seed and their first trip to the postseason since 2003. They finished third in the strong AFC South despite a 10-6 record, behind the 13-3 Colts and 11-5 Jaguars; the South was the counterpart to the NFC East in supplying three playoff participants. Facing the third-ranked Chargers in wild-card play, they took a 6-0 lead at halftime thanks to the strong right leg of All-Pro kicker Rob Bironas, but couldn't get into the end zone after that and had to watch Phyllis Rivers and his band of yahoos take a 17-6 victory. (In the Titans' defense, maybe they just didn't want to face the Patriots. Also, during that game, Young became the well, youngest Titan quarterback to start a playoff game at 24 years and 233 days -- his birthday is May 18, 1983). The Titans will have to keep stepping it up if they want to have any chance of ousting the favorite Colts and returning to the postseason, and while their running game is a sparkling 5th-ranked 92.4 average, they'll want to see if former Heisman runner-up Vince Young can improve on what have been rather lackluster personal numbers in his two completed seasons in the NFL.

Born in a tough neighborhood in Houston, Texas, Young was almost killed at the age of six when he was struck by a van while riding his bicycle; the accident left him hospitalized for a lengthy period of time and prompted a local TV station to make a spot about bicycle/vehicle safety featuring him. His mother and grandmother, who raised him, helped to steer him clear of the street gangs that ruled the turf (they and his sisters also supposedly helped develop his personal sense of fashion and style, and he wears #10 to mark his mother's June 10 birthday). Vince attended Madison High School, where he compiled over 12,000 yards of offense; a highlight came in beating the previously undefeated Galena Park North Shore Mustangs before 45,000 spectators in the Astrodome. He threw for 3,819 yards and 59 touchdowns that year (his senior season) and earned All-America and top-prospect distinction. A complete athlete, Young also competed in track and field (earning three letters) basketball (earning four letters and averaging over 25 points a game) and baseball (two years, pitching and playing outfield). But although he excelled in all sports, he chose to focus on football, and opted to attend the University of Texas in 2002 along with an exceptionally strong crop of Longhorns. (Broncos running back Selvin Young was among his teammates, as were New York Giants cornerback Aaron Ross and Young's own current Tennessee teammate, cornerback Michael Griffin).

Young was an unstoppable force in the NCAA. After redshirting his freshman year, he took over as a sophomore and skippered the Longhorns to an 11-1 record, a Top 5 ranking, and a Rose Bowl victory over Michigan. He rushed for almost as many yards (1,189) as he passed (1,849) earning a reputation as a true dual-threat QB like Florida's Tim Tebow. But Young outdid himself the next year, going 13-o without a loss and cementing the Longhorns as the #2 pick behind perennial powerhouse USC, which at the time was sporting a shiny pair of Heisman winners -- quarterback Matt Leinart and running back Reggie Bush. (Young had finished second in 2005 behind Bush). However, Young won the Rose Bowl yet again, beating the Trojans 41-38 -- his own 9-yard scramble with 19 seconds remaining being the difference-maker. He finished that year with the #1 QB rating among all eligible quarterbacks, and there was simply no college program that could hope to contain him, or the burnt orange as long as he was in the backfield. Young posted a 30-2 mark as a starter, a Texas record, and understandably, the media was swooning for him -- he was repeatedly named as one of the best college football players ever, and at one point, had the Longhorns on a 20-game winning streak. His career .938 winning percentage is sixth in Division I history.

Young decided to enter the NFL draft in 2006 rather than playing out his final year of eligibility. Maybe he was so busy playing that he forgot to study, as there was a flap about his Wonderlic test scores -- the test, commonly administered to football prospects, is supposed to measure "cognitive ability" but is really just the SAT wearing pads. There was a pre-draft scandal in which it was reported that Young scored a six out of a possible fifty -- an impressive accomplishment, since a score of 10 supposedly indicates the player is literate. Everybody associated with it immediately denied, denied, denied (I think he probably did and they decided to get him a re-test pronto) and he was allowed to take it again, in which he scored a still-not-impressive 16. But nobody cared if he could do word problems if he could beat USC's blitzes, and Young was picked third overall by the Titans, the first quarterback taken in the draft ahead of Matt Leinart and Jay Cutler. (The former taken by the Cardinals and the latter by you-know-who). This came after a mad fluctuation of his draft stock, but the Titans were undoubtedly pleased, as they'd just snagged one of the top performers in NCAA history.

The transition to the big time, however, did not go quite as smoothly. After signing a five-year, $27 million pact, Young took the reins from Steve McNair, and although he established the rushing record for rookie quarterbacks with 552, he had his ups and downs. (McNair has served as Young's tutor and mentor, and Young sometimes jokingly refers to the 35-year-old as "Pops." They are close friends). In starting 13 games in 2006, he did at one point lead the Titans to three straight fourth-quarter comebacks, and had a six-game winning streak, but won-loss records for quarterbacks are a finicky statistic due to the number of other factors in a football game. However, his passer rating (66.7) rated 30th of 31 qualifiers, he threw for more interceptions (13) than touchdowns (12) despite partway redeeming himself with 7 rushing touchdowns. He had 2,199 yards and a very low 51.5 completion percentage, leading to questions being raised if he was the NFL version of the "AAAA player," meaning a player that is too good for every other level and yet not good enough for the pros. Other prospects have learned it's a big leap from the NCAA to the NFL, but despite this, Young wangled a Rookie of the Year selection, more likely due to voters' memories of his standout Texas career than his actual performance. Still, the Titans finished 8-8, four games ahead of their doleful 2005 showing, so there was definite improvement.

Young had another statistically suspect season this year as well. In starting 15 games, he recorded a 71.1 rating (26th out of 33 qualifiers, and below entrants such as Joey Harrington, Eli Manning, Brian Griese, Kyle Boller, and Damon Huard). His knack for being picked showed up in full force, as he was intercepted 17 times against only 9 TD passes, and he passed for 2,546 yards and a better (62.3%) completion percentage than his rookie year. His rushing attack was somewhat muted, as he picked up only 395 yards and 3 ground TDs, and he fumbled 10 times, losing 3. And although Titans camp opens in March, Young won't be there until May; he elected to go back to college this spring in order to complete his degree in liberal arts. He is quite literally a rock star in Texas (as a matter of fact, tomorrow, February 20, is official "Vince Young Day" in the state, so hollah) and I'm sure they'll be glad to see him on campus. While Young is doing homework, he'll also be studying the playbook and aspiring to prove the truth of the idea that you must have patience with elite prospects. While the Titans may have gained an unfortunate notoriety as being the team with either saintlike patience or deep stupidity to put up with Pacman Jones' continuing shenanigans, Young is hoping to change that impression and lead them to a repeat postseason appearance.

The Quarterback Quiz: Jacksonville Jaguars

2008-02-18T19:30:00.004-07:00

Raining here again, does it ever stop? Then again, as I plan to go to Oxford next year, I suppose I should get used to it. As I've already whipped off my art homework and don't have much else to do, I figured I should keep on with the quizzes. If any of you read my baseball blog, I'll start the Around the Horn previews there soon as well. After a long offseason, I have to get my baseball-blogging muscles back into gear, but the more I think about it, the more excited I get. If only it felt more like spring.... it was warm here today, so baby steps.

Anyway. The Jaguars.

Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5): David Garrard

The Jaguars, founded in 1995, have been a much stronger expansion entry than, say, the Devil Rays. Although they went 4-12 their inaugural year, they boosted it up to 9-7 the next season and took it from there, going 12-4 in both 1997 and 1998 to win consecutive AFC Central titles. In 1999, they did themselves one better, going a blitzing 14-2, but went only 7-9 the next year. They had a few off-years in the early oughts, but climbed back into contention with a 9-7 2004, a 12-4 2005, a 8-8 2006, and then this year, 11-5 to win the fifth AFC seed and even upset the AFC North-winning Steelers in wildcard play. Crucial to that victory was a 32-yard scramble on fourth down by one David Garrard, which set up the winning margin in the form of a field goal. The Jaguars won 31-29, and were even talked about as having a possible shot to knock off the Patriots due to their turbo-charged running game. That didn't happen, of course, but Garrard, the author of that play (which was apparently his own idea, as he didn't like the playcall from the sidelines) gets his chance to go under the microscope today.

Born in New Jersey and raised in North Carolina, Garrard played high school ball for Southern High and made All-America during his time there; scouts marveled at his strong arm and his mobility despite his size (standing just 6'1" against his 245 pounds, Garrard can look more like an offensive lineman than a quarterback). He attended East Carolina University, where he took over the reins of the Pirates as a redshirt freshman and didn't skip a beat for the next three years, making every start through 1999, 2000, and 2001. He led the Pirates to a Galleryfurniture.com Bowl win (no, I swear to God, I swear to God, I am not making that up, you knew there was a bowl game for everything in creation and that just proves it) against the Texas Tech Red Raiders, and in his last game with ECU, faced off in the GMAC Bowl against Byron Leftwich of Marshall University, who would eventually be his Jaguars teammate. Marshall and Leftwich eventually won that, but not before double-overtime and the highest-scoring bowl game in history had taken place -- the two teams scored a combined 125 points, 61 of those by the Pirates. (I think it's safe to say the defenses didn't actually show up for that one). Finishing his collegiate career with over 9,000 pass yards and 1,000 rush yards, Garrard graduated from ECU with a degree in sports management, so perhaps he'll take over the business side of the operation once his playing days are over.

Both Leftwich and Garrard were taken in the 2002 draft, Leftwich seventh overall and Garrard 108th overall. Leftwich immediately supplanted Mark Brunell as the Jaguars' starter and Garrard played backup, starting only three games from 2002-2004. (In 2004, Garrard underwent a different kind of test, as he was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and underwent surgery to remove 12 inches of his intestines; he played that year anyway). Leftwich's late-season injury in 2005 allowed him to start the final five games; he did adequately, with 1,117 yards, 4 TD, 1 INT, and an 83.9 rating. He saw more playing time the next year in 2006, starting 10 games after being named the starter by head coach Jack Del Rio in place of the oft-injured Leftwich. (The Jaguars fired Tom Coughlin, currently the head coach of the Giants, in 2002 after a 6-10 record, and hired Del Rio instead; he still holds the position). Garrard's record in those 10 games was only 5-5, as he put up totals of 1,735 yards, 10 TD, 9 INT (four came in one game against the Texans) and a 80.5 rating. However, Del Rio again named Leftwich the Jaguars' starting QB in February of 2007, but that quickly came to an end when Garrard outplayed him in the preseason and got named the starter just before the opener of the 2007 season. (The Jaguars released Leftwich; the former first-round draft pick saw his stock fall dramatically as he managed to sign on with the Falcons and take his turns with Joey Harrington at filling Michael Vick's shoes. This proved ineffectual, and he was released only a few weeks after the 2007 Super Bowl).

Garrard started 12 games, with fourth-year backup Quinn Gray starting the other four. But he made the most of his time, throwing for 2,509 yards, 18 TD, and 3 INT, recording a 102.2 passer rating -- good for third in the NFL behind Tom Brady (117.1) and Ben Roethlisberger (104.1). But while the Jaguars surprised with the strength of their offense (25.7 ranked 6th in the NFL, 357.7 average of yards per game ranked 7th) a great deal of that came from the terrifying twosome of their miniature running backs, Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor. Well, Taylor isn't so miniature, standing an average 6'1"/228 lb, but Jones-Drew, at 5'7" and 208, is a little fireplug that can plow through a pile of men twice his size. The Jags' run game ranked second in the NFL behind the Vikings at 149.4, and it was precisely this strength that led a few talking heads to speculate on their ability to beat the Patriots, as the Patriots hadn't showcased a dominant run defense yet that year. (They hadn't lost yet either, and didn't lose to the Jags, so it didn't matter very much).

The Jags' D is generally solid, rating between 10th and 15th in points, yards, pass defense, and run defense, and as you will have noticed if you watched any of their playoff games, every man on the O-line is a giant. (That wasn't quite as helpful as it could have been, as they still let Garrard get sacked 21 times in 12 games and Gray 10 times in 4 games). But Jones-Drew developed into a kick-return threat almost as dangerous as the Bears' Hester (he returned 31 kicks for 811 yards, an average of 26.2 yards a return, including one 100-yard, full-field return for a touchdown). The Jaguars are a fairly similar club to the Vikings in terms of the strong run game and lesser passing game, but Jacksonville is hoping that Garrard continues to be a solid (very solid, evidently) presence for them, and since he can rush as well as pass (which can help account for his low yardage totals) he fits in well on a ground-based offensive club.

The Quarterback Quiz: Indianapolis Colts

2008-02-17T19:44:00.015-07:00

I have no excuse for skipping last night aside from sheer laziness, but since now it's Sunday night and my only other option is to do my politics homework (this is a familiar routine, as I constantly cannot find the ambition to do the reading, decide I won't do it, and then give in and do the reading, complete with notes, before class on Monday morning) I decided I'd do a quiz for everyone's favorite pitchman. That said, I really do like the Mannings, so this won't be much of a chore.
Indianapolis Colts (13-3): Peyton Manning

Even if you don't follow football, it's likely you know who Peyton Manning is, as he's that goofy-looking guy with a southern drawl attempting to sell you everything from Sprint to Mastercard, Sony, DirecTV, and all his various other endorsements -- not to mention the Double Stuf Racing League, dear god. The second-born son of Archie, and elder and better brother of Eli, Peyton has made a name for himself both on the football field and in front of the cameras. (His Saturday Night Live appearance after he won the Super Bowl, in which he did a faux United Way commercial, is still one of my favorites. Also check out the literacy ad in which Archie reads a bedtime story to his three eager, grownup sons -- complete with Eli tormenting Peyton, who has the top bunk all to himself -- and then, after they're asleep, shuffles out mumbling, "They've gotta get their own place.") But however accomplished he may be as a pitchman, and the fact that he will probably will endorse every product ever made before he retires aside, Peyton has that star power because of his achievements on the field. He comes from a famous family, true, but he's widely regarded as one of the best quarterbacks of his generation and will probably be a first-ticket entrant to Canton when he hangs up the spikes.

Peyton, born and raised in New Orleans, attended Isidore Newman School, where for a time his older brother Cooper was his wide receiver before a spinal condition ended his football career. (Like Jon Kitna, Peyton was also a tri-sport athlete, as he started at shortstop for the baseball team and played basketball for two years). Luckily for Colts fans, he decided to concentrate on football, as if he could do anything else with his pedigree. In his senior year of high school, the team compiled an unbeaten 10-0 record, and it was widely assumed that Peyton would take advantage of his famous father's legacy at Ole Miss. Instead, he chose to attend the University of Tennessee, where he entered as the third-stringer behind Jerry Colquitt and Rockies first baseman Todd Helton. (Peyton was rooting for the Rockies last postseason because of the presence of Todd on the team. I knew there was a reason I liked him). But both of them promptly got injured, elevating Manning to the role of starter in a game against Mississippi State. He never looked back, becoming the Vols' all-time leader in career passing yards (11,201) completions (863) season passing yards (3,819) lowest season and career interception percentage (1.05% and 2.39%) and touchdown passes (89) just to name a few, while compiling a 39-6 record as a starter in the tough Southeastern Conference. Peyton set 28 records while at school there, and graduated cum laude in three years with a 3.61 GPA and a degree in speech communication, but elected to return and play his senior season anyway. When he finished, it was a hot debate as to whether he or Washington State's Ryan Leaf was the top pick. (Sorry to any Chargers fans I may have just knocked out of their seats). The Colts chose Peyton with the first overall pick of the 1998 draft, the Chargers chose Leaf with the second. One had success, and the other um.... did not.

The success did not come right away. The Colts finished 3-13 in 1998, Peyton's rookie year, as he threw for 3,739 yards and 26 TDs, but had a whopping 28 picks and a 71.2 passer rating. At the time, the Colts were still in the AFC East, so they came in solidly in the bottom (interestingly, the next highest entrant was the Patriots, at 9-7, the Bills and Dolphins both went 10-6, and the Jets won the division at 12-4. Looooong time ago). But that was the last time it would happen. The next year, the Colts finished atop the East at 13-3, and Peyton threw for 4,135 yards, 27 TD/15 INT, and a 90.7 rating. They finished 10-6 the next year, a not-so-stellar 6-10 the year after, and in 2002, joined the newly formed AFC South with the realignment of the leagues and the introduction of the Texans. Along the way, Peyton was just doing his thing -- since joining the team in 1998, he has not missed one of their 160 games, starting all 16 contests each season. The only season aside from his rookie campaign in which he did not throw for 4,000 yards was 2005, where he "only" racked up 3,747, due to sitting out the last few games with the top AFC seed already clinched. He enjoyed one of the finest seasons for a quarterback in history the year before in 2004, throwing for 4,557 yards, 49 TD (the record broken by Tom Brady this year) 10 INT, and a 121.1 rating; for his efforts, he garnered an almost-unanimous NFL MVP selection. However, the Colts couldn't get past the Patriots again that year, as New England had become their personal hex and the Indianapolis season ended 20-3 in Foxborough. For all his skill, Peyton couldn't beat the Patriots (at the time, it was his seventh straight loss in Massachusetts) and even in Tennessee, he hadn't led his team to the championship game. That was what helped fuel the talk that he couldn't win the big one.

The chance to put the doubters to rest finally came in 2006. The Colts started a white-hot 9-0, slowed down at the end to finish 12-4, then beat the Chiefs and the Ravens in the AFC wild card and divisional playoffs -- yes, times have really changed, as both those sad-sack entries this year were in title competition last year. However, the big story was the Colts vs. Patriots with a trip to Super Bowl XLI on the line, the one team that Manning had not been able to beat, against the "other" best quarterback in the game. The Colts trailed 21-3 at one point, and it looked as if it would be the same again, but Manning put together a game-winning 80-yard drive late in the fourth quarter to take a 38-34 lead. The Patriots got the ball back with one minute remaining, and Brady led them to the Colts' 45-yard line, but Indy defensive back Marlin Jackson ended any chance of a comeback by intercepting Brady with 17 seconds remaining. The Colts had finally vanquished their greatest foe, went to Miami to meet the Bears in the Super Bowl, and won that, 29-17, with Peyton being named MVP for his 25/38, 247-yard, 1 TD/1 INT performance. (Of course, a scant year later, his little brother won the same honor after the same game... seems like a long time ago, huh?) That finally put to rest the talk that Peyton was unable to win the big one, and cemented the Colts' place as an AFC dynastic power.

This year, Peyton finished with 31 TD to 14 INT (the Chargers helping him out with six of those in Week 10) 4,040 yards, and a 98.0 rating, which nonetheless was his lowest since 2002 (88.8). The Colts, finishing 13-3 as the AFC second seed behind the Patriots, faced off against the Chargers in divisional play, but got upset 28-24 by a tough San Diego team, ending the Colts' chances for a repeat far sooner than they would have liked. But there's little doubt they'll be back in the playoffs next year. Peyton holds a whopping 48 franchise records, and his unique style of play means that Indianapolis' offensive coordinator, Tom Moore, has much less to do than on other clubs, as Peyton's astounding football sense and knowledge of the game are consistently allowed to show through on the field. The Colts are well known for eschewing the typical huddle offense -- instead, they assemble at the line of scrimmage without a play being called, Peyton studies the opponents' defense, and calls an audible according to what he thinks will be the most successful. To prevent the opponent from figuring out the signals, he even includes nonsense in the call that doesn't change the actual play. Since the defense has only a second or two to adjust to the formation and the defensive leader doesn't get a chance to reposition his players before the ball is snapped, the Colts are consistently one of the NFL's most prolific offenses.

The Colts have made the playoffs eight years of Manning's ten, and the difference when he plays and when, say, Jim Sorgi plays, is pretty amazing. In the game against the Titans this year that decided whether Tennessee or the Cleveland Browns got the final AFC spot, Sorgi took over early on, and upon seeing him "playing," the announcers commented, "They should just give Peyton a raise right now." Peyton, however, doesn't need a raise, as he signed a $98 million contract in 2004 and has made an additional $13 million or so with all his endorsement deals. Like fellow pass-happy teams Dallas, New England, and Green Bay, Indy can occasionally struggle with the running game, but they were ranked a serviceable 18th this year and brought in LSU product Joseph Addai in 2006 to help create a more balanced attack; he finished this season with 261 carries, 1,072 yards, and 12 TD. But at the end of the day, this is Manning's team through and through, and he'll be making commercials and leading the Colts to the playoffs for several years to come.

* Funny story: Peyton was a Pro Bowler this year, of course, and on AOL Sports, there was a story about how AFC coach Norv Turner was trying to lead practice with a bunch of bored guys who were really more interested in taking in the sun. Except for Peyton... who was busy listening attentively, making eye contact, and then running the exact play Norv wanted. It might have been a totally meaningless exhibition, but it shows how much he cares about the game and doing well. You don't think he got here by accident? Even funnier, Norv is the coach of the Chargers, the team that flipped the Colts earlier this year in the playoffs. That's just Peyton for you.

The Quarterback Quiz: Chicago Bears

2008-02-15T19:45:00.003-07:00

Sorry about skipping last night, as I was out at my friend Matt's theater production. Seeing as I am currently unattached, there was nothing much else to do for Singles Awareness Day, and I got back too late to really want to do a quiz; I needed to half-assedly finish up some actual homework and hit the sack. But I am back in the saddle now to examine the Bears, and I have to say, it's a great tragedy that Rex Grossman may be leaving. The world is now a little less sexy. Sob. I'm sure, however, what with so many unsettled quarterback situations, the Sex Cannon will find another field on which to unleash his mighty Throwgasms if he doesn't stay at Soldier.

Chicago Bears (7-9): Kyle Orton/Brian Griese/Rex Grossman

Now that Rex's contract has expired and he is off to jizz up some other doleful joint, the job of filling his shoes (and other parts, I'm sure) is left up to third-year player Kyle Orton and veteran Brian Griese (who was briefly considered as Elway's Heir in Denver before Jake the Snake came along). However, Grossman has expressed a desire to re-sign with the team, so although he's an unrestricted free agent, he may not be gone just yet. He's been with the Bears for five years, yet in the first three of those, he started only 7 of 48 games due to a mixture of injuries and incompetence. He started all 16 games of the Bears' 2006 NFC-winning campaign, where he played the part of Eli Manning and had the same result -- minus the Super Bowl ring at the end, as the Bears got beat by the other Manning's Colts. Rex's numbers were a 54.6% completion percentage, 3,193 yards, 23 TD, 20 INT, and a 73.9 rating, which were almost exactly identical to Eli's 2007 line of a 56.1 CP, 3,336 yards, 23 TD, 20 INT, and 73.9 rating.

Playing at the University of Florida, Grossman lost the Heisman by a whisker to Nebraska's Eric Crouch in 2001, threw 77 TD passes for 9,164 yards and a 146.77 rating, was drafted 22nd overall by the Bears after his junior year, and yet he became, well, a running NFL joke. (This should serve as a cautionary tale to current star Gator QB Tim Tebow). Amusingly enough, Grossman won the Ed Block Courage Award in 2006, which is given to an athlete embodying "sportsmanship, spirituality, and professionalism" and who serves as an "ideal role model." Evidently, all the top-tier quarterbacks had busy schedules. Grossman's "Fuck It, I'm Going Deep" tagline comes from his desire to emulate his mentor Brett Favre, who also consistently likes to go for long passes, but needless to say, Grossman doesn't do this quite as well and as such struggles with shorter passes. This is a bit of a problem, as consistently airing it out leads to the picks that Grossman constantly amasses, and short, high-percentage completion schemes tend to work better than always unleashing bombs. Yet it offers amusement, so why stop him? Shhh.

A various assortment of injuries and lackluster play derailed Grossman's promising career, however, and in 2007, he started with a 45.2 rating and 10 turnovers through the first three games. Lovie Smith gave him the boot and installed Griese instead, but Griese promptly got injured in November and gave Grossman the job back. Yet, continuing this entertaining roulette, Grossman got injured as well, Griese replaced him, and then they both yielded in favor of backup Kyle Orton. As you can imagine, a number of Bears-affiliated personnel have expressed their desire to get the passing game stabilized, and since none of their options immediately inspire much confidence, the Bears may be very well be looking to target a quarterback at some point during the upcoming draft.

If Grossman leaves, they'll be left with Griese and Orton, and it's very unlikely that they'll be able to compete over the course of a season with those two seeing the majority of playing time. Their hated rival, the Packers, will be the power in the division again if Favre comes back and will still be formidable with Rodgers, the Lions will be the Lions, and the Vikings will offer a stiff challenge, so the Bears don't have the luxury of sitting pat. They finished last in the North, 7-9 (they lost both head-to-head matchups against the Lions) a year after their NFC-championship 13-3 season. Their 15th-ranked passing game (210.1) wasn't as much the problem as was their 30th-ranked running game (83.1) but either way, they still want to make a choice, stick with it, and ideally have the same guy back there for all 16 games. They can't count on Devin Hester running back every single damn kickoff for a touchdown, as much as that seems to happen (or maybe it's just because it is Bad Memories for a Broncos fan).

Griese, who made it to the 2000 Pro Bowl as a member of those same Broncos, has also seen time with the Dolphins and the Buccaneers (interestingly, his successor as Michigan's starting quarterback was none other than a fellow named Tom Brady). He signed a five-year contract with the Bears in 2006, and has put up ratings of 62 (6 games, 0 starts) and 75.6 (7 games, 6 starts) in his two years thus far. This year, the 75.6 was supplemented with 10 TD, 12 INT, 1,803 yards, and a 61.5 completion rate. Griese has his moments, and has shown he is capable of starting a whole season, but that is already several years behind him. He, like Grossman, is prone to interceptions, and he has below-average arm strength as well. Still, due to his experience and contract situation, he'll certainly be in the mix for the starting job next year.

Kyle Orton is a 25-year-old backup who was drafted by the team in 2005 after an impressive collegiate career at Purdue. He started four consecutive bowl games (Sun, Sun, Capital One, Sun) tied ex-Boilermaker (and current Saints starter) Drew Brees' record of 522 passing yards in a game, and was rated as the third All-American quarterback behind Matt Leinart (now with the Cardinals) and Jason White (now out of football). In 2004, Orton started the team out 5-0 with 18 TD and no interceptions, but was injured and missed the rest of the season. He was nonetheless taken by the Bears next year, and got immediately into it, which is rare for a just-out-of-college prospect, but ol' Rex was injured again and Orton started 15 games as a rookie. But he didn't precisely impress -- finishing just 51.6 percent of his passes with 9 TD, 13 INT, and a 59.7 rating must have made the Windy City faithful want Grossman back, which is hard to do. However, the Bears coaching staff asked the rookie to let his defense and his rushing take most of the grunt work instead of trying to establish an aggressive passing game, and they won 10 of those 15 games, so it could be counted a success anyway.

With Griese's signing to be the second-stringer and Grossman's return, Orton failed to see a snap throughout the 2006 season. His start on December 17, 2007, was his first in almost two years, was serviceable from a personal standpoint (22/38, 184, 0/1, 59.5) but not as good for the team, as they were dropped 20-13 by the Vikings. But he redeemed himself the next week by leading a 35-7 massacre of the archrival Packers at Soldier Field -- completing 9 of 15 passes for 1 TD, no INT, and a 103.2 game rating, in arctic conditions that Brett Favre (unsuccessfully) tried to blame for his own poor performance. (Um, Brett? You play in Lambeau. Yes, thank you). The Bears closed out their season with a Week 17 win over the Saints, 33-25, in which Orton finished only 12 of 27 passes but also came up with a pair of touchdowns, one interception, and a 77.7 rating, which left his overall 2007 tallies at 3 TD, 2 INT, 478 yards, and a 73.9 rating in three starts.

As they look to get back to contender status next year, the Bears will have to take all of this into account. They have Hester, who excels at returning kicks but still can use some work on being a full-time wide receiver, as he's prone to dropping passes. They also, ironically, have a running back named Adrian Peterson, but he's not as good as the Vikings model, finishing with 151 carries, 510 yards and 3 TDs against Purple Jesus' 238 carries, 1,341 yards, and 12 TDs. The Packers are good, the Vikings are tough, the Lions are bad, and the Bears are going to have to figure out where they fit in, either by making a commitment to one of the guys named above and seeing if he can be trusted to get them through a whole season, or by shooting their fortunes with the talented quarterback class available this year. They need help across the board on the other side of the ball, with a 27th-ranked pass defense and 24th-ranked run defense, but don't be surprised if Chicago goes quarterback-hunting either.

The Quarterback Quiz: Detroit Lions

2008-02-13T19:59:00.004-07:00

What with today's Brady Queen foolery concluded, it's time to get back to the regularly scheduled feature. That being the Quarterback Quiz, which today stars Mister Christian ™ Jon Kitna -- who almost assuredly disapproves of the whole gay thing. One half of the NFL's uber-devout signal callers (the other being Kurt Warner) Kitna, when asked after the Lions' annual Thanksgiving Day game (this year against the Packers, who trounced them) what he was grateful for, answered, "That I don't have to go to hell." Interesting modus operandi there, Jonny. He also is the proprietor of the Jon & Jennifer Kitna Eternal Blessings Foundation, which means that if you want to trust him to pass you on up to heaven, you have to be careful, as you might be intercepted by agents of the Devil. That happens to Kitna a lot too on the playing field, not just the spiritual one. Unfortunately his heavenly radiance has not been enough to lead the Lions to deliverance from their perpetual poltroonery. Need more brownie points, Jon. Or a higher rating.

Detroit Lions (7-9): Jon Kitna

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my. The Bears led Rex Grossman to Super Bowl XLI and got dismantled by the Colts, the Tigers finally pulled their heads out of their sphincters, made it to the World Series in 2006 and got dismantled by the Cardinals, but the Lions are still made of fail. They won four championships in the pre-Super Bowl era, but have not made it to the big game since, and have exactly one playoff win to their credit, in 1991. Due to Barry Sanders, they enjoyed some success in the 1990s, making the playoffs in '93, '94, '95, '97, and '99, but lost humiliatingly in the first round each time. Then they hired Matt Millen as president/CEO, and it all went to hell. During 2001, 2002, and 2003, the club did not win a single game away from Ford Field, and since Millen took over the team, their won-loss record is 31-81, a Kansas City Royals-like .277 clip. He has a history of outrageously poor draft selection and had no business experience when he took over the team.Yet despite this, bewilderingly (and maddeningly, for long-suffering Lions fans) he got a five-year extension at the end of 2005. Detroit fans are trying everything to get him out of there, including organizing walkouts and hoping the team loses to hasten his firing, but a fat pie of fail hasn't booted him yet. A contingent of Lions fans, displaying remarkable devotion, actually organized a mass event to all show up in Bengals colors when the Lions were playing them in 2005. None of this has worked. This year, the Lions started 6-2, and then realizing they were doing too well to be the Detroit Lions, finished the season 1-7. Millen kept his job, despite that "Fire Millen!" is becoming as ubiquitous a chant to Michigan as "Yankees Suck!" is to Massachusetts.

Into this black hole of football operations came the saintly Jon Kitna. After spending the first nine years of his career splitting time between the Seattle Seahawks, who first signed him as an undrafted free agent, and later the Cincinnati Bengals where he was instrumental in prepping Carson Palmer, Kitna joined the club in 2006. He signed a four-year contract as a free agent, which means that he's tenured for two more seasons, and started all sixteen games that year, recording (by the grace of God, undoubtedly) a 62.4 CP, 4,208 yards, 21 TD/22 INT, and a 79.9 rating. The Lions finished an unqualifiedly abysmal 3-13, dead last in the NFC North, which makes this year's record, two games south of .500, look positively Patriots-like. This year, Kitna again made all sixteen starts, completing 63% of his passes for 18 TDs, 20 INT, 4,068 yards, and an 80.9 rating. (Believe it or not, he does have more career TD passes than picks -- 147 to 146. Better watch those corners, Jon). Kitna has a good arm and can rack up the yards, as evidenced by those big totals, but has always had a propensity for getting picked, which happens when you keep floating them out there. He also guaranteed in March of 2007 that the Lions would win at least 10 games, so he must have attended Pat Robertson's school of predictions. Hey, 7 is only three off from 10, don't hate.

Kitna, a three-sport athlete in high school (football, baseball, and basketball) actually attended Division II Central Washington University, where he quarterbacked the Wildcats for three years and led them to the NAIA National Football Championship (whatever the hell that is; it sounds prestigious) in 1995. He had a 58.8% career completion percentage, 12,353 passing yards, 99 TDs and 59 INTs; the fact that these numbers aren't overwhelming, combined with a Div II school, probably explained why Kitna didn't get drafted. But the Seahawks, as mentioned, signed him as a rookie free agent and he saw time with the club between 1997 and 2000, starting 33 of 64 games and recording his most successful season in 1999; he had a 54.5 CP, 3,346 yards, 23 TD to 16 INT, and a 77.7 rating, the highest he posted in his time as a starter there.

In 2001, he moved onto Cincinnati, where he started 15 of 16 games but only recorded a 61.1 rating, 12 TDs, 22 INTs, and a 53.9 CP. He saw relatively similar fortunes in 2002, but in 2003, he played every down and was named Comeback Player of the Year for guiding the Bengals to a break-even 8-8 season, their first non-losing campaign since 1996. (So he does have experience steering teams back from the abyss, but maybe not even his holy powers can help the Lions). Kitna enjoyed a very strong season, as he finished 62.3 percent of his passes for 3,591 yards, 26 TD to 15 INT, and a 87.4 rating, but that was his last as a starter with Cincinnati. The Bengals had just drafted Heisman winner Palmer to take over the job, and Kitna stepped into the role of guide and mentor; the two men also developed a close friendship off the field, helped along by their mutual love of golfing. (No word on Palmer's opinion of Kitna's other hobbies, which include Bible stories, boating, and camping. Also, amusing typo: Kitna's Wikipedia page lists him as 16 feet, 2 inches, but I assure you, he's a much more pedestrian 6'2". Perhaps someone saw him right after he'd eaten his Holy Wheaties).

Kitna's backup this year was J.T. O'Sullivan, but next year will be 23-year-old Michigan State product Drew Stanton, who was placed on injured reserve by the team before the season even started; he was taken 43rd overall by the Lions out of MSU in 2007. Due to Millen's questionable draft history, Stanton will be under a microscope, and since he hasn't played a down with the big club, it's too early to judge if the Lions regard him as the quarterback of the future. Kitna, meanwhile, is 35 and has 2 years left on his contract, so once it runs out, he may want to get on to his life after football, which he has all planned out. Aside from the whole Eternal Blessings thing, Kitna, who has a degree in math education from CWU, plans to teach high school when he's done (his wife wants to teach physical education, which you think would be the other way around, but even football players get tired of running around all the time). Meanwhile, Stanton will presumably be the one attempting valiantly to resurrect the moribund Lions, and you can analyze their on-field weaknesses, of which there are many, up the wazoo. (The Lions ranked a woeful 31st in offensive rush yards with 80.9 a game, and flat at the bottom in several defensive categories -- 32nd in points allowed a game with an average of 27.2, 32nd in yards allowed a game with an average of 377.6, 31st in pass defense with 258.2 yards allowed a game, and 23rd in run defense with 119.4 yards allowed a game). Yet despite this, they managed a 7-9 record and thus will be picking 15th, instead of 2nd as they were last year. Besides, Millen can't be counted on not to screw things up, and that is the real problem with this franchise. Until he goes, the guy taking the snaps will just be collateral.

Presented With No Comment

2008-02-13T11:51:00.010-07:00

I swear.... I swear....

From Cleveland.com:

Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn was part of a group of men shouting insults at gay passers-by outside a Columbus bar early on New Year's Day, according to a 9-1-1 call made to police.

The call at 2:35 a.m. came from Seth Harris, who reported that he encountered the group in front of La Fogata Grill at 790 North High St. The Mexican restaurant is next door to the Union Cafe Bar + Food, one of Columbus' most popular gay bars in the gay-friendly Short North neighborhood.

I swear. I won't say anything. I won't even remark on why crotch-grabber extraordinaire Quinn, upon being caught in a gay neighborhood, resorts to closeted self-loathing. Pot, kettle.... And yet, I can't hate Brady Quinn. You can't hate him either, even though he seems intent on giving you opportunity to do so at every turn. He is just good for laughter, and laughter is a good thing for all of us. Then again, he is a gigantic vagina, except.... okay, that's too easy, I won't go there. Brady Queen sounds better.

Update: Yet another amusing picture of everybody's favorite sexually confused draft holdout has surfaced. I don't know if it's been altered or not (found it on Deadspin) but I think it proves my point.

Also, one other thing. The incident allegedly took place on New Year's, which is traditionally a big party day for Queen's species. * Young Brady, who is found to be attractive by many members of the female sex (myself not included) is also amply provisioned with $20 million in his pockets and plays the most high-profile position on a team with singularly devoted fans, a few years off a successful career for a high-profile collegiate program. And yet, instead of off finding beautiful women in a feeble attempt to prove his heterosexuality and celebrate 2008, he has nothing better to do than stand outside gay bars and call the crow black while wearing a fine set of raven feathers stuck to his butt? **

Jon Kitna, who does not approve of this behavior***, will be profiled tonight.

* Young stupid jocks.

** The raven feathers are not mentioned in the report, but they very easily COULD have been there. In fact, they were, you just needed 3-D spy glasses to see them.

*** The gayness, that is.

The Quarterback Quiz: Minnesota Vikings

2008-02-12T19:54:00.001-07:00

Purple Jesus, as Adrian Peterson is affectionately known by Vikings-fan Big Daddy Drew over at NFL humor blog par excellence Kissing Suzy Kolber, did his part to further the interests of the organization Sunday at the Pro Bowl, rushing for 16 carries, 129 yards, and 2 TDs while picking up Most Valuable Player honors (you can argue it means zilch since it's the Pro Bowl and opposing defenses are more interested in taking in the sun and collecting a game check, but whatever). Vikings fans hope this signifies a return to the norm, as Peterson struggled in the last four games when opposing defenses began to focus more exclusively on him and his great asset is his explosive playmaking ability no matter the coverage. Head coach Brad Childress has remarked that Peterson needs to improve (even though he won the rushing title as a rookie) but it's also what happens when you have a great running game (164.6 average ranked first in the league) and a terrible passing game (171.6 coming in a distant 28th). The Vikes will need to address this situation, which is also addressed by me below. Hooray for prescience.

Minnesota Vikings (8-8): Tarvaris Jackson

(Is that or is that not a stupid-looking logo? The plain horns, which technically are historically incorrect, look much better. Then again, at least the logo isn't an accountant in a Helga Hat, which would be sad yet amusing).

Tarvaris Jackson plays what is typically the most important offensive position on a team that's all about the other side of offense, so he routinely gets upstaged by his running back. In a sign of how much the Vikings take advantage of their NFL AP Offensive Rookie of the Year, Peterson, no fewer than seven different players attempted passes this year, including veteran Kelly Holcomb, backup Brooks Bollinger, wide receiver Sidney Rice, punter Chris Kluwe, running back Chester Taylor, and running back Mewelde Moore. No wonder the Vikings are having trouble at the quarterback spot... half the team has taken their turns seeing if they can do better than Tarvaris, who to add insult to injury had the lowest rating of the lot (except for Taylor and Moore, whose one attempt each fell incomplete to leave them with a 0.0 for their efforts).

Jackson grew up in Montgomery, Alabama, and attended the University of Arkansas for portions of two seasons before being edged out at quarterback by Matt Jones (now a wide receiver for the Jacksonville Jaguars). He transferred to hometown, Division I-AA Alabama State University, where, in his senior year, he finished with numbers of 2,655 yards, 25 TD/5 INT, and a 61.1% completion percentage; his overall collegiate statistics included 67 TD/27 INT, 7,838 yards, and 537 completions of 985 total attempts. For his efforts, he became the first Alabama State quarterback drafted since Ricky Jones in 1992, the first I-AA quarterback since Spergon Wynn in 2000, and the fifth quarterback chosen that year, with the Vikings' last pick of the second round (64th overall). This was a surprise, seeing as he was projected as a mid-to-late-round choice, but the Vikings had been following his performance closely for some time and leapt at the opportunity to secure their man. Head coach Childress, quarterbacks coach Kevin Rogers (who developed Donovan McNabb) and offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell saw Jackson as the type of "clay" to whom they could teach a new system, and thus far the results of their experiment are inconclusive.

Jackson did well in the 2006 preseason, compiling a 106.1 passer rating and ranking 15th of 110 qualifiers (he was second among quarterbacks of the 2006 draft class, as a fellow by the name of Jay Cutler did him one better). He also showed some ability to scramble, averaging 11.3 yards (!) an attempt and, at the time, the team's second best rusher behind Brad Johnson. But up until Week 16 of the 2006 season, Johnson remained installed as the Vikings' starting quarterback, although Jackson saw time in Week 15 against the Jets. Jackson was tabbed for the job for good in Week 16 against the Packers and oversaw a dismal effort that saw the Vikings record only three first downs all game, gain only 27 passing yards against a 26th-ranked pass defense, never get even close enough to the end zone for a field goal, and ultimately lose 9-7. (Fred Smoot -- yes, the one in the whole Vikings Love Boat scandal -- intercepted and ran back a Favre pass for their only score). Jackson himself recorded 10 completions in 20 attempts, 50 yards, 1 interception, and a fumble, but he still entered 2007 as a starter.

2007 was a bit of an up-and-down year for the Vikings and Jackson. Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor made a highly effective run duo, but Jackson struggled, throwing four picks in a game against the Lions and 12 total on the year, against only 9 TD passes. He started 12 of 16 games (Holcomb started three and Bollinger one) and finished with 1,911 yards and a 70.8 rating. At one point the Vikings won five straight and looked to edge into the playoffs as a wild-card seed, but both good and bad was on display in their season-closing Week 17 matchup against the Broncos. The Vikings fought back from a 19-3 deficit with sixteen points in the fourth quarter (two straight touchdowns and successful two-point conversions, while I screamed obscenities at my television set) to force overtime, and then they won the toss. Jackson was sacked and fumbled on the second play from scrimmage, however, and the Broncos ran it back in range for Jason Elam to seal a 22-19 win with a 30-yard field goal. The loss ended both the Vikings' season and their hopes for the playoff seed that the Redskins took, which closed an 8-8 2007 outing.

Jackson continued to be an effective runner (260 yards in 54 attempts, averaging 4.8 yards a touch, and 3 rushing TDs) which goes further to show that the current Minnesota offensive scheme is all about moving the ball on the ground. As Childress noted, the Vikes were much less potent when opposing defenses bottled up Peterson consistently, so they'll need to develop another plan of attack. But what they really need help with is a pass defense. The Vikings ranked first in the league at stopping the run (74.1 yards allowed on average a game) but ranked absolutely dead last in stopping the pass, allowing opponents to put up an average of 264.1 yards on them a game. Safeties Dwight Smith and Darren Sharper recorded four interceptions apiece, defensive end Kevin Williams and outside linebacker Chad Greenaway even came up with two each, but corners Antoine Winfield, Marcus McCauley, and Cedric Griffin recorded one -- in between all three of them, and that was Winfield's. Their .500 record means that the Vikings will pick 17th in this year's draft, but fortunately for them, there is a strong defensive class reporting for duty. They'll want to take a look, and focus on improving both pass defense and offense. Jackson is still young and everyone knows that quarterbacks are a different breed who develop at their own speed, so it's not likely he has a fire under his heels just yet or has to be looking over his shoulder. Then again, as the seven different pass-attempters this year proved, the Vikes are still looking for the winning formula behind center.

The Quarterback Quiz: Green Bay Packers

2008-02-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

So my Internet, which is prone to go out at the drop of a hat anyway, went out last night in the middle of the turbulent windstorm we were having here in New York. Therefore, the Quarterback Quiz for the spiritual leader of Cheesehead Nation was delayed until tonight, but here we go. To be fair, I even included Aaron Rodgers, since the he will/he won't of the One Great Big Huge Favre Retirement Question is still going on. Just pick one way or another, or maybe he's being an altruist and saving a scrap of football news for the officially inaugurated offseason.

On a random note, am I the only one wondering how the heck Derek Anderson got named as Brady's replacement after watching him "play" in the Pro Bowl yesterday? Now, I realize this is unfair, as the referees called penalties on the NFC defense when they started actually trying, but Anderson's method was to waft a floater up there and hope one of his guys caught it. And besides, an AFC quarterback who had an 88 rating was ignored in favor of 82-rating Anderson (I don't have a clue who this would be, and I certainly don't know what team he plays for) so if they really wanted to get a replacement who's not going to be booted by Brady Quinn in a few years (Patrick Ramsey isn't that much of a threat... oops, forget I said that) they could have done differently.... But whatever.

The Cheesehead Messiah is examined next.

Green Bay Packers (13-3): Brett Favre

Favre, like Brady, needs no introduction, but this is my feature and I'm going to introduce him anyway, so shut up if you don't like it. (Mwah). Born in Kiln, Mississippi, he attended Hancock North Central High School (how can you be north and central? Crazy Southerners) where he was coached by his father and due to the run-heavy offense they employed, rarely threw more than five passes a game -- a 180 from his later, gunsling-at-will style of play. He got one college scholarship, to the University of Southern Mississippi, and followed it up, where he opened camp as the seventh-stringer quarterback but made a meteoric rise -- he took over as starter in the second half of the third game of the Golden Eagles' 1987 season. He did well there, but in 1990, just before the start of his senior season, was involved in a very serious car accident that almost cost him his life (rather like Roethlisberger) but Favre, also like Roethlisberger, made a complete and comparatively quick recovery, leading Southern Miss to a win over Alabama only six weeks later.

(In this interim, I am explaining the West Coast offense, 3-4/4-3 defense, the role of linebackers, and much more to my sister, who watches for the entertainment but does not know that much about positions, strategies, et al).

Anyway. Favre was drafted in the second round, 33rd overall, by the Atlanta Falcons, but since head coach Jerry Glanville was not a fan and was famously quoted as saying it would take a plane crash for him to put Favre in the game, he barely saw the field and attempted precisely four passes in his career as a Falcon. One was intercepted and run back for a touchdown, and none of the other three found friendly hands. You can say that the Falcons committed one of the great tactical blunders of all time when they unceremoniously turned Favre loose, and then Green Bay Packers general manager Ron Wolf, who had meant to take Favre before the Falcons nabbed him, traded up the following offseason to land his man. It turned out to be a solid investment, to say the least. Since September 20, 1992, Favre has not missed a game for the Pack, earning his reputation as an iron man. He holds the record for most consecutive starts by an NFL quarterback (275 including playoffs) as well as a slew of others: most career NFL TD passes (442) most career NFL interceptions (288) most career pass attempts (8,758) most career pass completions (5,377) most career passing yards (61,655) and most career QB victories (160). Not to mention the record for league MVP awards, three. As you might imagine, this has earned him deity status in Wisconsin, and he's played all of that in the frigid climes of the still roofless Lambeau Field, so his skin is tough enough to take anything. (Oh God, I'm sounding like Peter King again).

Favre led the Pack to the 1996 Super Bowl against the Patriots, who hadn't yet started their dynasty-winning ways, and made good; 14 of 27 passes, 246 yards, 2 TDs, and a 35-21 win over New England. But although the Pack made a return trip to the big game and were heavily favored in 1997 against the Denver Broncos, I think you know who won that one -- Elway, 31-24 (and he won the next one as well. Heh). Since 1998, the closest the Packers came to a losing season was a 8-8 campaign, at least until 2005. The Pack finished that year a miserable 4-12, Mike Sherman was fired, and was replaced by Mike McCarthy. Favre himself hasn't had the greatest success in the playoffs since 1998 -- his postseason record was 9-4 following the loss to the Broncos and has since fallen to 12-10. At one time he owned a 92.0 rating in the playoffs, but that too has fallen, to 70.1. Counting the NFC Championship loss to the Giants keyed by his crucial interception, he's 3-6 since then. But on March 1, 2001, he received a 10-year contract extension, making him the NFL's first $100 million man and the possibility (at least in theory) of him hanging around until 2011. Seeing as it's only 2008 and he's not sure he'll come back, that doesn't seem very likely.

One of Favre's history-making moments came on December 22, 2003, in an otherwise unremarkable game against the Oakland Raiders. His father had died in a car accident just the day before (eerily enough, in almost the exact same place Brett almost did) and he elected to play through it. Raiders fans, proving that they are sub-human instead of sub-sub-sub human, offered their support and condolences as well, which I suppose helped take the sting away from the fact that an emotional Favre threw for four touchdowns and 399 yards in delivering a 41-7 beatdown. He has suffered other off-field family trauma as well; his brother-in-law was killed in an ATV accident on his property, his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, Hurricane Katrina swept through his hometown. But Favre, who is Tuff ™, soldiered on, and on November 4, 2007, joined Peyton Manning and Tom Brady as the only quarterbacks ever to have beaten all of the 31 other current NFL teams.

2007 also saw Favre enjoy a resurgence personally, as he compiled numbers of 28 TDs, 15 INT, 4,155 yards, and a 95.7 rating, his third-highest behind 99.5-rated 1995 and 95.8-rated 1996. The Packers beat the Seahawks 42-20 in the divisional playoffs, but famously fell to the Giants in an exciting NFC championship contest when Lawrence Tynes finally made good on his third field goal attempt. This led to Favre's yearly contemplation as to whether or not to retire, which has not yet been announced.

The heir to this lofty throne appears to be 24-year-old Aaron Rodgers. A Cal product who transferred there after three years with Illinois (his only Div I option out of high school) Rodgers led the Golden Bears (Golden Eagles, Golden Bears, I'm sensing a trend here) to a #4 national ranking in 2004, his senior season. The only game they lost that year was to #1 USC, where Rodgers nonetheless tied a NCAA record with 23 consecutive completed passes. Overall, that year, he threw for 209 of 316 (66.1 CP) and racked up 2,566 yards, 24 TD passes, and 8 INT for a 154.35 rating. He was named Cal's co-MVP, All-Pac 10, All-American, and Academic All-Pac 1o (an American Studies major) for his efforts, and was expected to be taken high in the 2005 draft. Although he slipped all the way to 24th overall, he was still the second quarterback chosen, and got rewarded for it with the Pack's stinker of a 4-12 record.

The next year, 2006, to add injury to insult, he broke his foot while being whitewashed by the Patriots, 35-0, and had to sit out to heal. But he was ready to go as a backup for the opening of 2007, and is probably the only person in Wisconsin thrilled by the prospect of Favre's retiring, since it means he gets a shot at the big banana. A musical type who plays acoustic guitar and piano, is nicknamed "A-Rod" and is a big Los Angeles Dodgers fan, it looks as if A-Rod lite (and hopefully much less annoying then the real one) may have to wait a little longer. At least until King Brett releases his announcement and Rodgers finds out if he'll be holding the clipboard or taking the snaps. If it's the latter, there will probably be some growing pains for the Pack with a young quarterback taking over the reins, but it's something every team has to go through when they're transitioning.

The Quarterback Quiz: Baltimore Ravens

2008-02-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

Interesting note: The Ravens are the latest hot ticket for people trying to cadge another record $2.6 million bleeder out of Vegas. Seeing as the odds laid on them to win Super Bowl XLIII are wavering between 100-1 and 50-1, some enterprising Marylanders are trying to get rich quick by placing bets on their lovable poltroons to win the big banana. This, to say the least, is, uh... unlikely. Oh, America.

Baltimore Ravens (5-11): Kyle Boller/Steve McNair/Troy Smith/Yo Momma

Every year that goes by is another that the Ravens are removed, in more ways than one, from their Super Bowl XXXV title, which came in 2000, coincidentally against the current World Champion Giants. (Fun fact: The name "Ravens" references Edgar Allan Poe, who spent the last part of his life in Baltimore and is buried there. "Quoth the Raven: Nevermore" takes on a whole new meaning when applied to this currently hapless franchise). This upcoming season will be their 11th, once all the Cleveland moving controversy got settled in the mid 90's, and while they surprised everyone by going 13-3 in 2006 and got talked about as a preseason contender, they came crashing back to earth with a 5-11 record this year. In the meantime, they're having a quarterback shuffle enough to inspire more Poe-ian existential crises, with Boller having served the most duty this year, McNair a wily (but no longer particularly good) veteran, and Smith a former Heisman winner who dropped all the way to the fifth round in the 2007 draft, where the Ravens scooped him up. Smith nominally took over the starting job with Boller's injury (and helped the Ravens break a nine-game losing skid in Week 17) but it'll take another year to see how that plays out on the field.

Boller, in his fifth year in the league, is not a top-flight talent. His 75.2 rating this year was his highest ever as a starter, and he threw 9 TD to 10 INT, with 1,743 yards and a 61.1 CP. In 2004, his last year as a full-time starter, his rating was a fairly dismal 70.9, and since he's had five years with the team, it's not likely he's suddenly going to showcase an improved ability, even though he's still young at the age of 26 and the case of Eli Manning proved you have to be patient with quarterback prospects. This is a fall for a prospect considered one of the top in the nation coming out of Berkeley for the 2003 draft, and who was taken first by the Ravens, nineteenth overall. Boller, the franchise leader in passing yards, attempts, and completions (not that difficult, considering the team's been around for just over a decade) has had his moments, but when Steve McNair was acquired by the team in 2006, they named him the starter instead. McNair made good on this for that season, registering numbers of a 63% CP, 3,050 yards, 16 TD to 12 INT, and a 82.5 rating while leading the Ravens to their 13-3 finish. He took a sharp fall in 2007, starting six games and throwing only two TD passes and four picks; oddly enough, he recorded the highest completion percentage of his career at 64.9. His rating was 73.9, and since the Ravens themselves weren't particularly good (to put a charitable gloss on it) it didn't really matter who was taking the snaps.

Boller started the fateful Monday Night Football game against the Patriots, where the Ravens had twice stopped the Pats on fourth down in the closing minutes of the game, only to have both negated, one by a timeout that shouldn't have been allowed to be called and one on a holding penalty. Naturally, Tom Brady did his thing and the Patriots just escaped with a victory, but the game raised hopes of future great things; at the time, it put them at 4-8, the sixth game of their losing streak after starting 4-2. The Ravens proceeded to lose their next three games as well, including a 22-16 overtime defeat to the previously winless Dolphins, and entered Week 17 at 4-11.

Their third option for the offense was rookie Troy Smith. An OSU prospect that had played three years for the Buckeyes, he'd won a Heisman and yet the Buckeyes' sloppy loss to the Gators in the BCS National Championship, coupled with poor personal play, dropped his draft stock dramatically. Skipping the NFL Combine, where prospects traditionally showcase their skills for scouts and recruiters, also didn't help, which combined to let him slip on the board all the way to the fifth round. Smith had been lobbying hard for his hometown Browns to draft him, but they of course ended up with Brady Quinn and Smith went to Baltimore. He signed with the Ravens in July 2007 and was elevated to third-stringer status when Drew Olson was released, second-stringer when Boller was named the starter and McNair went on IR. However, Smith was given a chance for the starting job in Week 16 and 17, and in the last game of the season, helped the Ravens break their nine-game losing streak with a win over the division-rival Steelers. Smith went 16 of 27 with 1 TD pass and a 90.2 rating for the game, and the Ravens edged the Steelers 27-21 to finish at 5-11.

This monstrously disappointing season caused Brian Billick to be relieved of his job on New Year's Eve, and the 2008 Ravens will enter the season with an overhauled coaching corps (oddly enough, they fired, and then re-hired, defensive coordinator Rex Ryan). John Harbaugh, the former Eagles special teams coach, is now head coach, and exiled ex-Dolphin head coach Cam Cameron is offensive coordinator. (Which, if I was a Ravens fan, wouldn't make me feel very confident). Cameron, however, has a reputation for developing quarterbacks, which could be a good thing for Smith's prospects as a starter. It doesn't seem likely that they'll go back to McNair, but might give Boller another shot out of nepotism. Boller's contract only goes one more year, so it's most likely that they'll groom Smith to be the signal-caller of the future. It remains to be seen if this will help them, or if the Ravens will keep croaking "Nevermore" in regards to their status as a competitive team.

Patriots Fans: Still Mensa Material

2008-02-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

Shoe's not so sweet when it's on the other foot, huh?

In an act of breathtaking idiocy which often seems to characterize this brain-cell-lacking fanbase, some enterprising and sadly, sadly misguided Patriots-fan potatohead wrote a petition to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking for the last 1:40 of the Super Bowl to be reviewed. Because... wait for it, wait for it... they think the Giants cheated by stopping the clock after the play was over and they were out of timeouts! They might have gotten two extra seconds! Never mind that the play was stopped by the referees while there was a measurement, since it was Brandon Jacobs getting a first down on a 4th-and-1 situation! Never mind that the Patriots accusing anyone of cheating is like Genghis Khan accusing Joe Schmo Serial Killer of bumping off too many people!

Fortunately, a great deal of the signatures on the petition are people who are deservedly blasting this group of whiny, entitled cheaters who think that because their beloved St. Brady got knocked around and Eli Manning gave him a bitter taste of his own medicine, they are somehow still "deserving" to be 19-0. Look, you idiots. The Patriots had 35 seconds with the ball, and went 4-and-out with a few missed Hail Marys in 34 seconds. All right, so you want more time to have the ball? Then Eli can prolong your agony and kneel down three times instead of one at the end of the game. Oh, sure, let's replay the 1:40 and let Brady get absolutely leveled by Jay Alford a few more times, that'd be fun. What is really just very sad and illuminating of you people's twisted psyche is that you cannot accept you got flat outplayed by a defense that was in Brady's face, around his legs, or jumping on his back all night. You in short are being introduced to why even Eagles, Redskins, and Cowboys fans were pulling for the Giants -- to save us all from your holier-than-thou "oh-whine-whine we clearly deserved this" bullshit.

I'm on the fence about the Pats team themselves, generally veering toward the dislike side, but their fans... yeah, I've mentioned before I can't stand the lot of them. Go back to 2005 and cry in your beer with Seahawks fans, but first, please wash the sand out of your vaginas, and since I am myself a woman, that is a grave insult. You are not "entitled" to be 19-0. You as a matter of fact have to admit that you met a team playing -- gasp! -- better football than you. It happens. I hope you lose twice to the Dolphins next year, then you'll really have something to cry about.

I still think it's hysterical that the Patriots fans are the ones complaining the Giants cheated (which they did not). Look, people, you should have lost to the Ravens before they bewilderingly let Rex Ryan, a defensive coordinator, call a timeout. The Ravens, as will be further elucidated in my Quarterback Quiz this evening, were by all accounts and measures a shitty football team this year. This is called karma, again, and thank God we were saved from you self-righteous douchenozzles being awarded the ability to preen, because we'd all have jumped into the sea by now and left you to take over the world. AAAAAAAH. No wonder I'm so jaded about humanity.

Now, I am willing to be charitable and admit that not all Patriots fans are this toxically idiotic. I will, however, bewail the State of the Pats/Sox/Bandwagon Nation at large.

I am ever more appreciative of the New York Giants' victory. Thank you, New York Giants.

The Quarterback Quiz: Cincinnati Bengals

2008-02-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

(Otherwise known as the Felons Capital of the NFL!) Also, is it a bad thing that I occasionally get Carson Palmer and Carson Kressley mixed up? I swear that's no slur on your part, Mr. Palmer -- just the result of an overloaded brain. Note to self: Palmer is heir to the Boomer Esiason tradition, while Kressley likes a different kind of boomers. Okay, now that's all over with (and sincerely, no offense meant to any party intimated, you should have learned by now that I'm odd) let's get with it.

Cincinnati Bengals (7-9): Carson Palmer

Although not, to the best of my knowledge, a gay fashion makeover expert (not that there's anything wrong with that) Carson the First has much to recommend him to those of a pigskin-loving bent. He got his start at USC, where he struggled through three mostly underwhelming years before taking off in his senior year under the stewardship of guru Norm Chow. This resulted in him winning the Heisman Trophy, the fifth Trojan to do so and only the first Trojan quarterback until Matt Leinart stole his thunder in 2004. During his award-winning season, Palmer threw for 309 completions in 489 attempts (63% rate) 3,942 yards, 33 TD, and 10 INT, and he led the Trojans to a victory over Iowa in the Orange Bowl, 38-17. A double-major in public policy and management (probably good skills for a quarterback to have...) Carson was rewarded for his hard work by being selected first overall by the Bengals in the 2003 draft.

He spent his first year as the backup to Jon Kitna, then the Bengals' starter, but had shown enough and impressed the management to enough of a degree that he was named the starter in January 2004. In starting 13 games, Palmer showed considerable but still unrefined talent, as he threw for 18 TDs, 18 INT, 263/432 (60.9 percentage/77.3 rating) and 2,987 yards; it wasn't until the next year that he took off. Palmer skippered the Bengals to an 11-5 record in 2005 and their first division title in fifteen years. All of this was done with some impressive personal numbers -- he led the NFL in completion percentage (67.8) was fourth in yards (3,836) owned a 101.1 passer rating at season's end, and set a franchise record with 32 touchdown passes against only 12 interceptions. He was voted to the Pro Bowl for his efforts, but did not play due to a severe knee injury sustained against the Steelers in the wild-card playoffs. The injury was bad enough that there were some questions about if he'd even play again, but Palmer threw himself into his rehabilitation and was ready to go when 2006 opened. In fact, he missed only one snap all year in recording a 62.3 CP, 4,035 yards, 28 TD/13 INT, and a 93.9 rating -- the only bugaboo was that he fumbled 15 times and the Bengals couldn't replicate last year's success, falling to 8-8. However, he was again named to the Pro Bowl and even got to play in it, earning MVP honors for guiding the AFC to a win. (Not as if this matters very greatly, but it's a nice feather in his cap).

2007 was an up-and-down season for Palmer and the Bengals. Aside from the fact that half the team was either in the police station or the county court at any given point (something which is not new to Cincinnati) they had only a 2-5 record by Week 8 and Palmer was leading the conference in interceptions. Still, he again started every game, had a 64.9 CP, 4,131 yards, an 86.7 record, and 26 TDs -- unfortunately his 20 INT were a career high and the Bengals finished with a losing record for the first time since Palmer took over the reins. Still, in five years, he's set franchise records for most completions, touchdown passes, passing yards, and passer rating in a season, along with most TD passes for a game and the highest passer rating for any Bengals QB. On January 30 of this year, the Bengals signed his younger brother Jordan, also a QB, to be his backup -- something that will surely engender plenty of playful sibling rivalry and good-natured competitions. However, although Palmer junior was a UT-El Paso standout, there isn't much of a chance he'll be unseating his older brother for the starting job behind center for the Felons -- er, Bengals. I'm sure they'll get a lot of mileage out of it in the meantime, though.

The Quarterback Quiz: Cleveland Browns

2008-02-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

The Cleveland Oranges, who decided that orange was a spiffier color to have on a football helmet than brown and to hell with what the name said (they added a brown stripe as an afterthought) got their sixth Pro Bowler this week when Tom Brady ~~chickened out of~~ pulled out of the contest to rest his wounded ~~ego~~ ankle. QB Derek Anderson joins teammates Braylon Edwards, Kellen Winslow, Joe Thomas, Joshua Cribbs, and Ryan Pontbriand in Hawaii this weekend, where he too will be wearing an orange helmet that does not have a logo on it, not even a fancy-pants B or anything. Unlike them, however, Derek Anderson gets his own preview, which they do not. Nyah. *

* Not entirely true, he has to share it with this guy.

Cleveland Browns (10-6): Derek Anderson

The 24-year-old Anderson is still young and relatively inexperienced (this year was his first year as a full-time starter after ousting aging incumbent Charlie Frye, who was traded to the Seahawks) but has shown enough to be rewarded with a Pro Bowl selection. He put up numbers of 29 TDs against 19 picks, 3,787 yards, a 56.5 completion percentage, and a solid 82.5 rating, and since he is young and more than serviceable, one wonders when everybody's favorite target, Brady Quinn, will be seeing field time, or if Quinn will eventually end up being a starter on another team. (His whole sordid story, from slipping in the draft to contract holdout, is well-known, and although I'm sure he's a perfectly nice fellow, I still enjoy laughing at his expense, particularly his various incriminating photos and cheesy EAS energy drink endorsements. Yo, Brady, try waiting until you're actually the starter on an NFL team, and in that last picture? Yeah, you look like Kronk).

Anyway, I swear I'll be serious tonight, although I am in a bit of a punchy mood. My proclivities for laughing at young Brady Lite aside, a lot of teams wish they had the Browns' "dilemma" of choosing between two young and talented quarterbacks. Everyone knows that Quinn went to Notre Dame; Anderson is a product of Oregon State. In three years in the Beaver program, he guided them to records of 8-5, 8-5, and 7-5, playing in three bowls, the Insight twice and Las Vegas once. (In the second Insight Bowl, in his senior year of 2004, the Beavers and Anderson coincidentally faced -- and beat -- the Fighting Irish and Quinn, 38-21, helped along by 359 yards, 4 TD, and no interceptions from Anderson). In 2003, he set an Oregon State record with 4,058 passing yards, and also holds the record for most passing yards overall at 11,249 for his career. Despite this, he fell to the sixth round, where he was taken 213th overall by the Baltimore Ravens in 2005. However, he didn't play for them and was waived on September 20 of that year; the Browns scooped him up the very next day. Considering that Kyle Boller and Steve McNair are Baltimore's current options at quarterback, one imagines that decision hurts a little. Then again, they do have former Heisman winner Troy Smith, who couldn't develop fast enough to save Brian Billick's ass. At least the Ravens can always count on the Orioles being worse than they are, and they've won a championship and a few division titles in the last decade, something the Orioles cannot say similarly.

A big quarterback at 6'6/230 lb (some speculated he would play basketball instead of football in college) Anderson nonetheless runs well, recorded three rushing TDs this year, and scrambled for 33 yards in overtime against the Kansas City Chiefs last season to set up the Browns' come-from-behind 31-28 victory. (He rushed 32 times for 70 yards this year, averaging 2.2 yards an attempt, which was useful in quarterback-sneak and short-yardage situations). He has a very strong arm and an ever-evolving awareness of receiver sets, but in college was criticized as being too much of a pocket passer and making too many poor decisions under pressure. A year in the NFL has helped with some of those flaws (and nobody's perfect. Not even you, Patriots. Yes, I'm still enjoying that) and so did a professional O-line guarding him, as Anderson was sacked just 14 times and fumbled 5 times, losing two. Since his skills are still evolving, he's now a Pro Bowler even if it was only on ceremony when Brady stepped down, he led the Browns to their best record since 1994, and he's young and improving, look for him to stay in this spot for several more years. Unless that EAS stuff really is as good as advertised, Brady Quinn turns into the Incredible Hulk, and starts smashing it up. You never know.

The Quarterback Quiz: Pittsburgh Steelers

2008-02-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

While the football world is still basking in (or trying to shut out, in the case of Massachusetts) the Giants' thrilling Super Bowl victory, I get back to work. (Briefly, I recommend checking out the photos from the Giants' ticker tape parade. Michael Strahan looks like he is absolutely losing his gourd in all of them, while Eli sports his signature dorkily happy grin and Michael Bloomberg looks like a Lilliput transported to the land of the Brobdingnagians. It's amusing).

We move onto the AFC North, and the Steel City, where the other Pennsylvania team sees how its signal-caller matches up. Back to you, Quarterback Quiz...

Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6): Ben Roethlisberger

"Big Ben," as he's known affectionately around the Allegheny, is unfortunately more well-known by the rest of the world as becoming an inadvertent helmet-safety public-service announcement after his (helmetless) motorcycle crash on June 12, 2006 almost cost him his playing career and possibly his life. But since Steelers apparently can't be destroyed by crashing facefirst into pavement off a speeding bike, Roethlisberger made a full recovery and went on to play a regular season. This was nothing new for him, as he's made a reputation as a tough player from the start. He started his career at Findlay High School, where he was actually a wide receiver for three years and didn't make the switch to quarterback until his senior year. However, this didn't slow him down. #7 (he wears it as a tribute to Elway) went on to be a collegiate standout at Miami University, which contrary to the name is actually in Oxford, Ohio. He started three years for the Redhawks and holds every school passing record; he threw for 3,100, 3200, and 4,400 yards respectively, and in 2003, his senior year, he captained the Redhawks to an undefeated season and a win over Louisville in the GMAC Bowl.

Taken 11th overall in 2004 by the Steelers, Big Ben was immediately poised as the future of the franchise, but like most rookies, he had to wait to break into the starting job. Trapped in the depth chart behind Tommy Maddox and Charlie Batch, Roethlisberger got his chance in Week 2 when Batch fell prey to injury and Maddox fell prey to ... well, not being very good. What happened next was some Steel City Magic. Roethlisberger promptly ripped off 13 straight regular season wins and beat the Jets in the divisional playoffs before the Steelers fell to the Patriots (as often happens) in the AFC Championship -- making his record as a first-year starter 14-1. Not bad.

Roethlisberger followed it up the next year, 2005, where he led the Steelers to three straight road wins at the end of the season to seal a repeat playoff appearance. Pittsburgh entered the playoffs as the sixth seed in the AFC, but upended Cincinnati, Indianapolis and Denver in the playoffs en route to a Super Bowl XL meeting with the Seattle Seahawks. Here, Roethlisberger nominally became the youngest quarterback ever to win the big game at 23 years of age, but his individual stats weren't particularly impressive: 9 of 21 passes completed with two interceptions, and his 22.6 rating was the lowest ever for a victorious quarterback. Still, the Steelers took the crown 21-10.

Due to Roethlisberger's aforementioned crash, however, 2006 was his roughest season in his still-young career. After posting high-nineties passer ratings for each of his first two years, he fell all the way to 75.4, throwing 18 TD to 23 INT and completing just 59% of his passes. However, with another season to separate himself from the crash, he redeemed himself valiantly in 2007 -- with 32 TD to 11 INT, a mammoth 104.1 rating (his highest career figure to date) 3,154 yards, and a 65.3 completion percentage, he looked much more like the Big Ben of old and led the Steelers to the AFC North title. However, they were bumped 31-29 in wild-card play by the Jacksonville Jaguars; Roethlisberger got sacked six times and started the final drive with a fumble. Still, his position is secure as Steelers QB, and if the organization could put an actual O-line steel curtain around him (Roethlisberger was sacked 47 times in the regular season, the second-highest total in the NFL) he could showcase even more improved performance.

In Which I Am Not Objective

2008-02-04T01:45:00.000-07:00

Suck it, Boston. SUCK IT. There is a God in Heaven, and He will not let the Massholes celebrate two major sports championships in one year. Not that I'm a Yankees fan or anything (please, please kill me if you ever see that happening) but I have to see tonight as a little bit of karmic payback for 2004. Yeah, yeah, Boston vs. New York, completely overhyped, but now the Patriots are forever 18-1. This is how I suffered during the World Series, and of course, I'd rather that the Boston entrant lost then instead of now, but later is better than never.

19-NO!

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Yes, I'm sick. And yes, I'm also going to bed now. Drown in your tears, Patriots fans. And I'm not even a Giants fan. I just count this suffering well deserved.

18-1

2008-02-03T23:45:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the New York Football Giants; that was a freaking awesome game. I have been rooting for Big Blue ever since the wild card playoff round, and persisted in my support against the Cowboys, Packers, and Patriots -- a roulette of heavyweights and the Giants rose to the occasion each time. They repaid my support by doing the impossible and pulling off possibly the biggest Super Bowl upset since Colts/Jets 1969. Eli Manning is MVP just a year after his big brother Peyton took home the award against the Bears, and for now, he has license to tell New York to get off his back. In fact, since he's swung the perpetual New York/Boston pendulum back in favor of Gotham, he will be everyone's best friend for the rest of the offseason... at least until training camp starts. They're fickle like that.

The Giants won behind not only Eli continuing to play at an elite level, but a ferocious defense knocking back, sacking, and generally making life miserable for Tom Brady all night. The Giants struck first with a Tynes field goal, the Patriots answered right away with a TD to make it 7-3 in their favor, and that was how it stayed for seemingly forever, until the Giants came up with a touchdown to make it 10-7. Then, with under four minutes remaining in the fourth quarter, Tom Brady led his patented last-minute drive, connected with Randy Moss for the TD, and with a 14-10 lead and 2:42 to play, 19-0 was looking like more and more of a certainty. Then Eli Freaking Manning, of all people, poured a giant spoonful of Brady's own medicine and shoved it down his throat. He somehow, I still don't know how, evaded an almost-certain sack and fired it far, far downfield to David Tyree, who somehow managed to catch it. With 35 seconds left, Eli got off the 13-yard, go-ahead touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress, who hauled it down in the corner of the endzone. 17-14. Hold those 19-0 trademarks.

The Patriots did their best with half a minute and all of their timeouts, but a few Hail Marys later, they were at 4th and 20 and had to turn the ball over. Eli knelt to take the final second off the clock, and then, believe it or not, the Giants had broken up the Patriots' perfect season and were Super Bowl XLII champs. Holy crap.

Eli Manning, MVP. And pigs aren't even flying (last time I checked).

The Joe Namath comparisons are especially apt now. I watched the game with about 15 other kids, half of whom were rooting vociferously for the Giants and half who supported the Patriots with equal brio. I was on the Giants half, and although I didn't say much, you can bet I cheered when Eli hit Plaxico for that last score. As a matter of fact, I was damn near jumping out of my chair during that last drive, and as I've mentioned, I have a fondness for the Giants and was supporting them all postseason. Wow, that was a great game -- congratulations to the Giants, and congratulations to the Patriots, who, whatever else you can say about them, still hold the record for most victories in a season (18 of them to the Dolphins' 17, except the Dolphins, as Mercury Morris will now forever remind us, didn't lose). Too bad they couldn't seal the deal (HAHAHAHAHAHA) and the 1972 Dolphins can go on a little longer about still being the only perfect team. Yay for Big Blue sparing us yet more Boston sports hegemony. After the World Series, I didn't think Boston needed more glory. Fortunately, this will keep 'em quiet for a while.

Or Then Again, There May Not Be

2008-02-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

Just a note to tell you that since the world hates me recently, there may or may not be a Super Bowl preview post today. Aside from the fact that I am completely exhausted, slept until 4 PM today, not to mention deathly ill and yada yada yada, I finally got up to discover that for whatever reason, the Internet in my room has decided not to work, so I had to haul my diseased carcass all the way across campus to the library and illicitly post it here (supposed to be used for research etc etc). Stay tuned.

Just a Quick Post

2008-02-01T22:12:00.000-07:00

... to say that there will be no post. I have a killer headache, the start of a sore throat, it's Friday night and I'm wiped, and this week kicked my ass. I shall return tomorrow with Super Bowl previews.

The Quarterback Quiz: Philadelphia Eagles

2008-01-30T16:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay, but my last few days have been booked solid -- class, and working when I'm not in class, and running around looking for another job once I get done temping at the college bookstore, and doing all this on a bad foot. I am finally back to continue with the Quarterback Quizzes, and with the Eagles will conclude both the NFC and the AFC East. Only six more divisions and twenty-four more quarterbacks to go! Huzzah.

Philadelphia Eagles (8-8): Donovan McNabb

McNabb is roughly the NFL equivalent of MLB's Rich Harden, which is to say, a phenomenal talent who just can't seem to stay healthy long enough to actually put it into gear for sustained stretches. That's unfair to McNabb, as he's actually played more than one game at a time without breaking something and has been very good when he does, but it's also fair to say that he has durability issues. He missed only two games this year, but six the year before that, almost half the season in 2005, and although he got in a few almost-full seasons in 2004 and 2003, he yet again missed six games in 2002. Seeing as the season, after all, is only sixteen games long, that's a sizable chunk of time. He led the Eagles to Super Bowl XXXIX in 2004, but Philadelphia was only 6-10 the following year. They rebounded to 10-6 in 2006 and then fell to break-even 8-8 this year.

The funny thing was, there were none of these durability questions for McNabb at the outset of his career. A four-year starter at Syracuse University, he started every game for the Orange, amassing a 33-12 record and a whole slew of awards and accomplishments. He was drafted second overall in 1999, otherwise amusing because Philly's responsible and intelligent fans booed the decision -- they wanted the Eagles to pick UT running back Ricky Williams. Yep, the one who loves him some Mary-Jane. Then again, no one had ever doubted the brilliance of Philly fans before, so it was totally out of character for them to do that, of course. Also, nobody has a 20/20 hindsight glass, otherwise the world would be a lot different, but I enjoy laughing at those Mensa Philly fans' expense.

When healthy, McNabb possesses elite-level talent. His ratings for the last four years (in reverse from this year) are 89.9, 95.5, 85.0, and 104.7 (the last coming in 2004, the Eagles' NFC championship season, where they lost 24-21 to the Patriots in the Super Bowl. McNabb threw for 30 completions, 357 yards, and 3 TDs, but also was responsible for three killer interceptions, including a Hail Mary in the endzone in the last seconds, and got sacked four times). He's good about maintaining a high number of TDs to a low number of INTs (19/7 this year, and 18/6, 16/9, and 31/8 for '06, '05, and '04). His 3,324 yards total this season was his highest since his elite '04 campaign, and his third-highest overall. He also doesn't get picked often -- he trails only former Steeler Neil O'Donnell in picks-per-passes ratio, averaging an interception once every 46 attempts. And despite being sacked 12 times in one game this year (against the Giants, and six of those were by Osi Umenyiora) he has generally good control of the ball, with only nine fumbles (and three of them in that disastrous Giants game). Nobody has doubted that McNabb has the physical skills to compete at the highest level, but all the injury concerns make it unclear that he'll be able to stick around a great deal longer.

Of course, McNabb also has the misfortune to be playing in front of some of the most obnoxious and crass fans in the NFL, who routinely launch calls to have him cut when they think he's not living up to their standards. After McNabb had to miss the Patriots game in Week 12 (due to an injury incurred against the Dolphins) and backup A.J. Feeley turned in a fine performance (27/42, 345, 3 TD/3 INT, 83.9 rating) the Philly sports media was predictably rife with calls for McNabb to step aside gracefully and cede the job to Feeley. The very next week against the Seahawks, Feeley completed 19 of 42 attempts, threw one TD and four interceptions to record a miserable 30.0 rating, and the media backtracking almost left carpet burns. McNabb has patiently stuck out nine years in front of this carnival of sports wolves, who are just as (if not more) vicious as the ones in Boston and New York, and while he has the tools, the longevity is a question. As of now, McNabb still expects to be taking snaps for Philly in 2008, but the problem with fragile quarterbacks is that they constantly break and then you have to play your pick-machine backup for long stretches at a time. After 2001, McNabb signed a $115 million, 12-year contract with the Eagles, so he could be around as late as 2013, but it wouldn't hurt the Eagles to see what's out there in case he goes down, again. A team with A.J. Feeley as the starter isn't one that can compete in the NFC East, a team with a healthy Donovan McNabb is -- but that's the question.

The Quarterback Quiz: Washington Redskins

2008-01-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

First of all, I have to express my amazement that in this day and age of lily-white political correctness, a professional sports team is still able to get away with having this name. You have people raising the hue and cry about Chief Wahoo of the Cleveland Indians (and I for one am a little edgy on that) but this name? Sheeeee. I guess their only redeeming factor is that their logo isn't as offensively stereotyped as Cleveland, otherwise the ACLU would really be unleashing the lions.

Washington Redskins (9-7): Jason Campbell

Although 37-year-old backup Todd Collins led the 'Skins to a 4-0 record (and a wild-card playoff loss in which Seahawks defensive end Patrick Kerney got to be extra special friends with him) in Campbell's injury absence, he'll open next year as the starting QB once his knee is better. And if he has another season to grow and mature, he'll fit that role just fine for a competitive team in a tough division. The 26-year-old Auburn product led the Tigers to an undefeated season in 2004, was named MVP of the SEC Conference Championship Game, the Sugar Bowl, and NFC Offensive Player of the Week, and was taken 25th overall by the Skins in the 2005 draft. It took him a year to nab the starting job from Mark Brunell, but after a 3-6 start in 2006, Joe Gibbs gave him the nod. Campbell finished his first season as a starter with 110 completions in 207 tries for a 53.1 completion percentage, 10 TD/6 INT, and a 76.5 passer rating.

He improved on those numbers somewhat this year, making 13 starts before having his season prematurely curtailed with a dislocated patellar ligament in his left knee. Still, he had trouble keeping a good TD/INT ratio, as he threw 12 passes for scores but 11 that ended up in the hands of the other team. He finished 250 of 417 passes for 2,700 yards, a good 60% completion rate, and a 77.6 rating. He's still young, and has time to continue to mature, and he'll need to grow into the role of leader for a team that will have a different coach than their Hall of Famer Gibbs next year. The 'Skins have questions now that Gibbs has resigned from his head coach post -- in the eleven years he was in between coaching stints, they qualified for the playoffs once, in comparison to twice in the four years of 2004-08 and 4 NFC East titles in the 12 years before that, along with only one losing record (7-9 in 1988). His style of play could compensate for not having a Hall of Fame-type quarterback in the pocket (The Hogs and the triple tight end set) so Campbell may have to learn a new type of offensive schematic and the Skins weren't particularly successful without Gibbs. (He will, however, stay on as special adviser).

The 'Skins are also still emotionally rocked from the traumatic shooting death of Pro Bowl safety Sean Taylor. They'll have to deal with head coaching questions, personal tragedy, and the still-evolving maturation of a young quarterback in a different system in order to compete in the tough NFC East next year. If Campbell can step up and make this his team, in the way that the Patriots, Cowboys, Packers, Colts, etc are defined by their signal-caller, that has a much better chance of happening.

Bootgate: I Despair of Human Civilization

2008-01-27T20:49:00.000-07:00

Honestly, is there not one sports-related media outlet that has nothing better to do with their time than print breathless minute-by-minute updates on whether or not Tom Brady is wearing a boot on his right foot? Look, I know the man's a big celebrity and he's going to be playing in his fourth Super Bowl next week, but please. First off, I'm fairly sure it's all another Belichick mind game, and Brady's perfectly fine, and secondly, nobody really gives a crap. Is he or isn't he wearing a walking cast? What did he give Gisele, bodega lilies or those ridiculous white posies he was carting to her cool $16.5 million West Village pad? How much was their check for dinner at Butter? I mean, come on, people. Maybe I just fundamentally misunderstand the cult of celebrity and sports that exists in America. I may not be the fondest of Brady (or of his coquettish-nymphette-ice-queen girlfriend) but sheez. Cut 'em a break. You're doing exactly what Belichick wanted you to do, which is try to bamboozle everyone into thinking that Brady was somehow less than 100%, and since you are such gullible and easily manipulated fools, he can pretty much start yanking the marionette strings to make you dance.

As I have said, I don't have that great of a fondness for Brady as a person, but I don't doubt that football is his entire life and he loves it with the consuming passion that has gotten him to the current high status he enjoys. To my horror, I find myself paraphrasing Peter King when I say that, if there was any chance his availability would be in question, he'd be in Foxborough getting it treated, not waltzing around midtown with his panty model. Then again, maybe hot blonde pieces of ass can throw off your concentration (see: Romo, Tony) but not this Brady. He came out of Michigan as a long shot to be a backup, let alone a starter, let alone the massive award-winning sexpot machine he's turned into. As I said, he sometimes creeps me out, but I think it's an insult to what he's done to doubt that he takes his job very, very seriously. So in other words, there is no story here, people. Put down the spyglasses and get a job aside from print voyeurism.

Step Back From The Cliff Edge

2008-01-26T20:44:00.000-07:00

Apparently it's all rumor and incorrect hearsay that Jessimo is broken up, and Jessica is so angry about this calumny that she's called her lawyers in to make OK! magazine publish a "prominent and unambiguous retraction." So, in other words, Tony Romo actually isn't as bright as I didn't think he was. He's a pro athlete, so let's just say he doesn't pick 'em for their ability to converse on Proust, Spinoza, Tocqueville, and Habermas. Jessica probably thinks those are types of vodka.

Jessimo is dead. Long live Jessimo! It's all right! The world turns! Thank heavens, we avoided a catastrophe there. If Tony should last that long with this vacuum-headed bimbo, look for the calls for dumpage to begin right after his first shitty preseason game.

The Quarterback Quiz: New York Giants

2008-01-24T17:05:00.000-07:00

(Note to Eli: If a strange blonde woman approaches you in a pink "Manning 10" jersey and promises to be your new best friend, run far, fast, and more importantly, in the opposite direction. Trust me, you do not want to speak to or approach this person, and should call authorities as quickly as possible).

New York Giants (10-6): Eli Manning

Elisha Nelson Manning has the misfortune of a) a disturbingly feminine-sounding first name that gets whipped out whenever his detractors wish to make a point, and b) sharing a gene pool with his older brother Peyton, who he's expected to be and continually fails to be, thus disappointing all involved. Eli is the progeny of football's most famous family, and has a father who had a long and storied career despite playing on a uniformly shitty progression of New Orleans Saints teams (it bears noting, however, that Archie had 125 career TD to 173 career INT, a career 67.1 rating, and a 35-101-3 won/loss/tie, so perhaps Eli actually is just like his father and therein lies the problem). Not to mention his brother, who despite taking eight years to win a Super Bowl, finally did so, and is widely regarded as one of the best quarterbacks of the era. Eli, however, is neither great nor a total chump, and as in Your Face Is A Sports Blog pointed out, the weird thing is that his closest comparison is... Joe Namath. Yes, and if Eli wins a Super Bowl while being the underdog by approximately a zillion points (as Namath and the Jets famously did in 1969 against the Colts) the comparison will grow even further. Everyone (well, Giants fans) are hoping that his sudden coming-of-age during Week 17 in the close 38-35 loss to the Patriots signaled that the quarterback they've been waiting for (not too patiently, this being New York) has finally arrived. The only way to tell for sure? Wait 'till next year. Sports fans of all stripes are familiar with this refrain.

The thing is, Eli was already supposed to be at this level coming out of Ole Miss. Following in his father's footsteps, he quarterbacked the Rebels for four years while setting or tying 47 (!) school records. His Ole Miss rating was 137.7, and he finished third in Heisman Trophy voting behind winner Jason White of Oklahoma and runner-up Larry Fitzgerald of Pittsburgh while racking up a slew of other ones: the Johnny Unitas Golden Arm Award, the National Football Foundation and College Hall of Fame Scholar Athlete Award (that's a mouthful, but he actually did graduate with a 3.44 GPA and a marketing degree) and various others. Based on his pedigree and his impressive college career, he was the consensus number one pick in the 2004 draft and was taken first overall by the San Diego Chargers, but San Diego had gone 4-12 the year before and Archie didn't want his boy playing there, in the relaxed, warm environment of SoCal -- so he worked out for Eli to be traded to a swamp in Jersey, in exchange for fourth-overall pick Philip Rivers (a name that may be familiar) and the Giants' first and fifth-round picks.

This also ended up netting the Chargers Nate Kaeding, who they used one of the Giants' picks on, but this is less of a loss if his habit of missing crucial field goals in the playoffs is any indication. In thus doing, Archie diddled Eli out of having LT around to make him look very good, and set his unsuspecting offspring up for a lifetime of being ridden by the New York Post. What Archie was thinking, one wonders, seeing as the Giants too had gone 4-12 the year before, and if Archie can recall his own career, he wouldn't be surprised to see that yes, Mannings were no stranger to playing on shitty teams. (Archie played for the Oilers and the Vikings during the last few years of his career, teams that went a combined 6-35).

Eli spent his first few years in Gotham making enemies of Giants fans, certainly not the way he wanted to arrive on the scene. In 2005, his first year as a starter, he finished 294 of 557 passes for a 52.8 completion percentage, a 75.9 rating, and 24 TD against 17 INT -- Eli, as everyone's aware, still has an unfortunate propensity for getting picked. In fact, his 2007 season showed him record his lowest passer rating --73.1, with 23 TD/20 INT, 3,336 yards, a 56.1 completion percentage, and 27 sacks. Not to mention he suddenly developed slippery hands, fumbling 13 times (after fumbling nine times in 2005 and 2006 each) and losing 7 of them. (Five of these, and two of the losses, came in one game). But everyone began to overlook that when the season ended and Eli had a great game against the Patriots -- 22/32, 68.8 pct, 251 yards, 4 TD, only 1 pick, and a 118.6 rating (after a 32.2 rating in the Buffalo game the week before and a 52.1 rating against the Skins the week before that, when he completed 18 of 52). As the Giants moved through the playoffs with tilts against Tampa Bay, Dallas, and Green Bay, winning all of them, and Eli began to play much more like his older brother, Giants fans, in the way that NY sports fans do, turned on a dime and decided the guy wasn't so bad after all.

Of course, as everyone knows, if Eli somehow manages to pull off one of the biggest upsets in history next week and beat the Patriots, New York will decide he really is Joe Namath reincarnated. Also, he's perfectly capable of having two or three good games in a row, so the allegations that he's "turned the corner" always come if he's managed to pass a few weeks without doing anything completely disastrous. But the Giants somewhat remind me of my Rockies -- mediocre team suddenly turns on the afterburners and goes roaring through the playoffs, then has to sit a few weeks and play a much stronger team from Boston. It'll be interesting to see how the Rockies, and the Giants for that matter, do next year now that they've had a chance to see what success tastes like.

But although Eli got called "skittish" by the Giants' owner after the horrendous four-pick game against the Vikings (the owner also publicly questioned whether the Giants could win long-term with him) it's amazing how winning has a way of putting that all to rest. Eli has saved his job for at least the next few years, and the Giants have a good running back combo (Jacobs/Bradshaw) and a still-fearsome defense (which does have questions about whether or not defensive end, and half of the Big Blue Sack Machine, Michael Strahan is planning to hang it up). They'll be good again next year, but with the Cowboys in the division, who aren't looking to get much worse, they'll have to play top-of-the-heap all year to win the division title. Can Eli do that? That's what everyone else wants to know as well.

What A Sad, Sad Day

2008-01-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

Moment of silence, everyone.

Please, pipe down, this needs to be properly observed. It is a catastrophe of epic proportions and the world may never see something like it again. I am shocked and heartbroken.

Tony Romo has given the boot to Jessica Simpson.

NOOOOO! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?!

Next Quarterback Quiz: sometime this afternoon. Quarterback of team? New York Football Giants. Tony wishing how much he'd done this before that game? A lot.

In other news, the Giants are going to almost beat the Patriots.

The Quarterback Quiz: Dallas Cowboys

2008-01-23T16:10:00.000-07:00

(Random note of no significance: I really should have gotten my glasses adjusted when I was home for the winter break. My prescription dates from the Mesolithic and now I can barely read Starbucks menu boards. Yes, well, moving on -- if I abruptly stop blogging, it won't be due to a sudden slovenly nature but rather an inability to see).

Anyway, onto the NFC East. This was the strongest division in football this year, supplying three of the NFC's six playoff participants -- the Cowboys, the Redskins, and the Giants, one of whom will be playing for the Super Bowl title in Glendale a few weeks from now. (Three guesses as to which this one is). Still, the Beast of the East was the Cowboys, who went 13-3 behind coach Wade Phillips, QB and Simpson-shagger Tony Romo, and freak of nature Terrell Owens. It's the middle entrant that we'll be examining today, and since he got a six-year, $67.5 million contract to call the signals for Dallas (especially if they've all had their Diet Pepsi Max lately and don't go for 60 Stretch Far -- aaaaaah) it's likely that he'll be there for quite a bit longer. Still, with an 0-2 record and two flops in the playoffs, what might Dallas fans have to fear from their 27-year-old Texas star? Let's examine.

Dallas Cowboys (13-3): Tony Romo

Unfortunately, Mr. Romo is getting himself a reputation more for what he does off the field than what he does on it, which is somewhat unfair. True, if you date Jessica Simpson (and her attention-whoring father) you ask for it, but Romo is a very good quarterback, if not yet a great one. The playoff bugaboos are a problem, of course, but look how long it took Peyton Manning to win his first Super Bowl and he's probably a first-ballot Hall of Famer. The problem with Romo, of course, is that he hasn't won any playoff games yet, but that's due just as much to the vagaries of chance and the rest of the team as it is to him. If a wide-open Patrick Crayton had caught that pass instead of dropping it and given the Cowboys a first down inside the 20, the Cowboys might have been the one facing the Packers, but Romo was also the one who threw the last Hail Mary that ended up in the hands of New York's R.W. McQuarters to end the game. He'll have time to refine it over the offseason and see if he can get off the playoff-game-winning schneid. Then again, ever since the departure of Aikman, the Cowboys have tried such illustrious NFL stars as Quincy Carter, Vinny Testaverde, Drew Henson, and Drew Bledsoe; needless to say, Romo is a significant step up from any of these options. He went undrafted out of Eastern Illinois University and was signed by the club in 2003 as a rookie free agent to serve as the third-stringer behind Carter and Chad Hutchinson. Romo was almost cut from the roster due to a surfeit of quarterbacks until Carter was popped for substance abuse -- it's a decision that Cowboys fans are now relieved didn't go the other way.

Romo spent a few years in obscurity behind the Cowboys' musical chairs of starting QBs (eight in all since 2000, Aikman's last year) and finally got his break in 2006 when Bledsoe went down with an injury. Romo's first pass was a 33-yard completion against the Texans, and it went generally well from there. On November 19, 2006, the new starter helped the Cowboys beat the Colts, 21-14, and then against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, recorded a 38-10 victory while throwing five touchdown passes with no picks. In his first real season, he garnered a 95.1 QB rating in 10 starts, and improved this year -- 36 TD passes against 19 picks, 4,211 yards, and a 97.4 rating while leading the Cowboys to the NFC East division title. He completed 335 of 520 passes for a 64.4 percentage, averaging 8.1 yards an attempt and 263 passing yards a game, and holds an impressive slew of franchise records: a Pro Bowler in 2006 and again in 2007, he is the owner of the most 300-yard games (and only three short of Aikman's career-total 13) and most TD passes, most passing yards, most completions, and most TDs thrown in a game by a Dallas QB. All of this was done while the high-octane Dallas offense averaged 28.4 points a game (second behind you-know-who), 365.7 total yards a game (third) 256.6 pass yards a game (fourth) and 109.1 rush yards a game (17th).

So why isn't Romo a great quarterback yet? (And no, it isn't because of Simpsongate). And you can debate until you're Dallas-deep-blue in the face about the meaning of "grittiness" and "clutchness" come playoff time; it's hard to quantify intangibles because they're, well, intangible. Still, fairly or unfairly, Romo will still be only very good until he wins in the playoffs and breaks Dallas's 11-years-and-counting streak while not doing something boneheaded, be it fumbling the snap or yelling at his All-Pro offensive line (Jason Witten, Flozell Adams, Leonard Davis, and Andre Gurode -- aka most of his protection -- are going to Hawaii along with Romo himself and T.O.) Also, he still has an unfortunate propensity to have really terrible games, especially when his newest blonde love-interest is in the crowd. (Aside from the much ballyhooed 10-6 loss to the Eagles that started the Anti-Simpson hysteria in Dallas, he had four games in 2006 with a lower-than-60 QB rating, and three in 2007). The talent surrounding him can also occasionally save his skin -- he threw five interceptions against Buffalo and the Cowboys still pulled it out, 25-24, on a last-second Nick Folk field goal -- and he has a tendency to fade down the stretch in December after starting the season with ratings regularly well over 100. Once he learns to pace himself and perform as well at the end of the season as he does at the beginning, not to mention learn when not to set himself up for ridicule (Jessica Simpson bouncing her boobs and cavorting in that pink jersey made me ill) and win some playoff games, Romo will finally enter the great echelon instead of just very good.

The Quarterback Quiz: Miami Dolphins

2008-01-21T16:01:00.000-07:00

Even as the 2007 Patriots are doing their best impersonation of the 1972 Dolphins, the 2007 Dolphins did a slightly worse impression of the 1972 Patriots, who went 3-11 in what was then a 14-game season. (The crown for futility went to the Houston Oilers, now the Titans, who went 1-13). Following this season's 1-15 showing, head coach Cam Cameron was relieved of his job in favor of former Cowboys assistant coach Tony Sparano, and Wayne Huizenga, the same guy who completely dismantled the 1997 Marlins World Championship team, hired Bill Parcells as director of football operations -- he of Giants, Patriots, Jets, and Cowboys guru-fame. The Dolphins are a team that has holes all over the place, which the Tuna hopes to fix, but is QB one of them? Let's take a look.

Miami Dolphins (1-15): Cleo Lemon

First off, you have to feel sorry for Dolphins fans, who got so excited over their one lonesome win this year (in overtime, for that matter, after the Ravens missed a chip-shot field goal that should have given them the game) that you'd think they'd just won the Super Bowl. I know how hard it is to live and die with your team on a daily basis, and imagine suffering through 17 weeks of mind-boggling incompetence and another dreary L at the end of it -- I expect you get used to it, or start laughing at yourself for caring so much, or rip up your jersey and become a Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan -- whatever works. Basically, the Dolphins would like to forget this year and work on improving for the next one. Aside from the Patriots, there aren't any particularly formidable teams in their division -- both the Bills and the Jets have plenty of flaws. With Parcells, who is appropriately nicknamed the Big Tuna, at the helm, the Fins have a chance to get back to competency, if not outright success, next year. Let's just put it this way -- could they do much worse?

Cleo Lemon is a 28-year-old product of Arkansas State who went undrafted out of college and was finally signed by the Baltimore Ravens in 2002. That went nowhere, he never even saw a snap, and ended up on the Chargers in 2003, where he spent several years on practice squads and third-string on the quarterback depth chart. In other words, he's the football equivalent of baseball's minor-league drudges, who faithfully serve their time without real hope of seeing the Show, and you have to admire guys like that, who keep going just because they love the game -- God knows they're not making much money at it. But in 2005, Lemon was traded to the Dolphins in exchange for A.J. Feeley (who is now in Philadelphia backing up, and spasmodically being called on to replace, Donovan McNabb. At least until he has another four-INT game, but that's a different story). Backing up then-starter Joey Harrington (now in Atlanta while Michael Vick sits in jail) Lemon finally got his first start on December 31, 2006, against the Indianapolis Colts; he played reasonably well but the Fins lost, 27-22.

Lemon didn't break camp the next year (2007) as the confirmed starting quarterback; he was again second behind veteran Trent Green, who was starting his fourteenth year as signal-caller. But Green was injured in Week 5, and Lemon did his best for the next six before Cameron, displaying some of the indecision that later got him canned, decided to try out first-year Brigham Young product John Beck in Week 11 -- recall, the Dolphins didn't beat the Ravens until Week 15, so a non-win season was still possible and nobody had put their stamp on the job. Coincidentally, Lemon got the starting job back just prior to Week 15 and turned in his best performance in his team's lone win -- 23/39, 315 yards, 1 TD pass, and no interceptions. The TD came at the best time imaginable -- his 64-yard game-winning bomb to Greg Camarillo set off celebrations in Miami and saved the Dolphins the ignominy of not getting a win in the year that their predecessors were outdone.

But although Lemon turned in decent service, the team still has plenty of flaws. Due to the Fins' porous O-line, being in the pocket for them is dangerous -- Lemon got sacked 15 times in his last four games, including seven by the Patriots). Cleo finished the year with 6 TDs, 6 INTs, 1,773 yards, and a 71.0 passer rating. The Dolphins ranked 26th in points scored with 16.7, 28th in yards per game with 287.5, 24th in pass yards with 189.4, and 23rd in rush yards with 98.1. The offense has problems, as you expect from a 1-15 team -- a lot of bad breaks fell their way, but they were generally inept as well. They converted only 81 of 218 third downs, a 37% success rate, while allowing their opponent to convert almost half of theirs -- 98 of 208, or 47%. The team scored 29 TDs -- Tom Brady threw for 50, which is conveniently the number that the Dolphins D yielded.

What's the outlook for next year? Parcells has to work his football-guru genius, the team has to make smart selections in the draft (they have a history of not doing this) and take advantage of the fact that at least their terrible season set them up for priority choice from a talented emerging class. Sparano has to translate successful coaching strategies from the Cowboys to Miami, in a different system with less talent, in his first assignment as head. As for Lemon himself, I wouldn't assume anything, much less that he'll go into next season as starter. A 1-15 team needs to be open to all options, and if the Tuna or Sparano think that Beck can do better than Lemon, I doubt they'd hesitate to yank him. Better luck next year, fellas. Oh, and reinstate Ricky Williams, we can all use the laughs.

Guess They Breed 'Em Crazy Everywhere

2008-01-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

We all know that football players are thugs, but now we find that they are dating thugettes as well:

Steeler's girlfriend arrested after standoff

Honestly, is it any wonder that these guys are always in trouble?

Philip Rivers: Poltroon

2008-01-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

The picture speaks volumes. Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya, Phil.

Hey, at least you played better than Brady. He threw three picks, you threw two. That's comfort, right? Right?

YA BETTA ASK SOMEBOOOODDDDAAAYYY! .... how to be less of a whining douche! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

I Nailed One, Missed the Other

2008-01-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

... which bore a great resemblance to Lawrence Tynes' field goal kicking tonight. The Giants finally won a crazazy NFC Championship game in overtime, when Corey Webster intercepted a floater by Favre, ran it back into field goal range, and gave Tynes, who had already shanked 43-yard and 37-yard attempts (the latter with 4 seconds left in the 4th quarter and the game tied at 20) a chance to kick the winner. Which he did, nailing a 47-yarder, the first time an opponent had ever made a field goal longer than 40 at Lambeau in the playoffs. Believe it or not, the Giants are headed to Glendale, Arizona and Super Bowl XLII (which will be much warmer than the -24 F, with the wind chill, that Green Bay registered at tonight. They showed an informative graphic -- it was colder than Siberia, Alaska, and Moscow there. Zoinks). Just as it did in Week 17, it comes down to the Giants standing in the Patriots' path to perfection.

Speaking of the Patriots, they won, to nobody's very great surprise. If Tom Brady hadn't been picked three times, it wouldn't have been nearly as close as 14-12 going into the fourth quarter suggested, but they put away the Chargers 21-12. I am grateful to them for doing that (no sense in risking the Chargers going to the Super Bowl) but I am rooting for the Giants. Still... Boston-NY, how original. Seeing as Boston already won one major championship, I don't see that they need another, and the Giants do remind me of my plucky but doomed Rockies -- getting hot at the right moment, but needing every inch of gumption to topple a stronger opponent. They're even NFC, as the Rox were NL, and the Patriots are AFC as the Red Sox were AL.

I'm in New York safe and sound, everything went as it was supposed to, thankfully, and seeing as it's midnight here and I was up at 5:45 this morning, I apologize if this post isn't particularly lengthy or insightful. Once I get back up to school and run errands tomorrow (I'm staying at a friend's house tonight) I'll see if I have enough in the tank to finish the AFC East quarterback previews with Cleo Lemon of the Dolphins. Once that's done, I'll turn my attention to the NFC East, examining the Cowboys, Giants, Redskins, and Eagles. We have a two-week interim until the Super Bowl, so I'll continue to provide my assorted interesting insights then. For now, I think I'm going to bed.

The NFC Championship: Surprising Dork vs. Savvy Geezer

2008-01-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

This isn't necessarily the matchup that was supposed to happen -- if Patrick Crayton had caught that pass, the Cowboys would probably be the ones heading to subzero Green Bay for a rematch of the Ice Bowl -- but it did. Instead, the surprising Giants have ridden the #5 wild card seed all the way past the Buccaneers, the Cowboys, and now into Green Bay, where they battle the Packers for a trip to Super Bowl XLII. And since my internet is being slower than molasses today, it may take me a while to dig up all my numbers, but once we have them, I'll break down the matchup between the Lesser Brother and the Wisconsin Deity, better known as Eli Manning and Brett Favre.

Interesting sidenote time: I've had sort of a vested interest in the Giants since long before I ever followed football. When my sisters and I were kids, our dad's bedtime stories were set in New York with a vast cast of eccentric characters, and several of them played for the Giants. Buck Smith and Duke Novotny were the tackle and guard, Sparky Malone was the running back, Painless Johnson was a linebacker, and Joey (I wish I could remember his last name) was the cornerback. My dad having the fertile and demented imagination he does (hey, I had to get it from somewhere) they were all, um, interesting. Buck stuffed hamburgers in his helmet in case he got hungry on the field, Duke's idea of offseason training was to sit in front of the TV and eat M & M's by the fistful, Painless never spoke and ate wall telephones, Sparky ran backwards and dared the defensive "elephants" to catch him, and Joey sidelined as a fire-and-brimstone Harlem-church preacher. We used to laugh ourselves sick at them, and since I now go to school in NY anyway, I want the Giants to do it.

That diversion aside (and can you believe that Photobucket has still not opened? I am almost tempted to get on the arthritic desktop, it has to be faster) let's see about the specs.

How The Giants Can Win:

1. Like their underdog compatriots, the Chargers, the Giants have a strong running game -- 6'4/260 lb running back Brandon Jacobs and smaller, speedy Ahmad Bradshaw have both done well this year, and the Giants rank fourth in the NFL with an average of 134.2 rushing yards per game. The Packers rank fourteenth in run defense, allowing about 102.9 a game, so if the Giants can force that figure closer to what they normally rack up, they can find seams and score TDs without having to count on the Eli Manning Coming of Age continuing. Jacobs can use his size to gain yardage after the first hit, and Bradshaw has excellent speed.

2. Speaking of which, the Giants will need the aforementioned Eli Manning Coming of Age to continue. Heckled and belabored for years for not being his talented older brother, Eli nonetheless has done very well in the playoffs. He's finished 32 of 45 passes for 348 yards, a 71.1 completion percentage, four TDs, no picks, and a 123.2 rating. Asking Eli to air it out downfield is a recipe for a pick such as the 20 he suffered on the season, since he doesn't have Peyton's arm and accuracy and probably never will. But he's done well with short routes, counting on receivers Amani Toomer and Plaxico Burress to gain the yards, and will have to continue to play at this level and generally getting the fickle New York sports fans to throw all their support behind him and have them excited for him to be the guy. The bugaboo: The cold. Last time Eli was playing in frigid temperatures, the Buffalo game that the Giants nonetheless won, he fumbled five times, losing two, and got sacked and intercepted twice. He will have to avoid that type of turnover at all costs, but if he can be the same player he was against Tampa Bay and Dallas, the Giants will have doubled their odds -- they can rely on both the pass and the run. Eli lost a favored target when TE Jeremy Shockey broke his leg, but Kevin Boss has stepped up in his place.

3. Keep the Big Blue machine of the D well-stoked. The Giants have a fearsome defense that recorded 53 sacks while allowing only 28, and the combo of Osi Umenyiora and Michael Strahan can cause headaches for the Packers with their blitzing. (Earlier this season, the Giants actually sacked Eagles' QB McNabb a whopping 12 times, half of those by Umenyiora). They'll also need their battered corners to step up -- Sam Madison is out, Aaron Ross got shaken up last week in Dallas, and that leaves Gibril Wilson, Antonio Pierce, and Corey Webster to handle the picking duties. If the Giants lose any more cornerbacks, they practically won't have a secondary at all, and everyone knows how important a pass defense is against the ageless-wonder Favre.

4. Not allow the Green Bay mystique to get into their heads. It'll be about zero degrees Fahrenheit, cold as the blazes, in the far north with a bunch of screaming Cheeseheads drowning out Eli's best attempts at calling the signals all day. Lambeau is a terrifying place for an opponent, especially if it feels like you just walked into a freezer, but the Giants are now 9-1 on the road, their only loss coming against the Cowboys in the early going. (They have a rather pedestrian home record at 3-5, and this makes sense to me -- who would want to play in front of a bunch of bitter New Jersey drunks?) They, like the Chargers, have all the momentum and confidence in the world, and need to see if it'll be enough against the #2-seed Packers. Then again, they polished off the #1 seed Cowboys last week, and have shown they can handle pressure.

5. Not letting the Green Bay TV stations' plan to pull Seinfeld (Eli's favorite show) get into their heads. Just kidding.

How The Packers Can Win:

1. Take advantage of the sizable advantage they have in terms of familiarity with the climate. Eli and Brett Favre are both from the South (Eli from New Orleans, Louisiana; Favre from Kiln, Mississippi, but Favre has played the vast majority of his career in the arctic climes of Lambeau and is well used to it). The Packers practiced with balls that had been put in the freezer, in order to best mimic the conditions come Sunday, and since they played in a blinding snowstorm against the Seahawks, they aren't going to let a little thing like a high of zero bother them. Once you factor in that a wind chill could make it feel like -35, we really are hitting Ice Bowl rematch here. The Giants are going to be cold. So will the Packers. Fortunately for the Pack's chances, they're used to it.

2. Keep riding Brett Favre's spring of youth as far as it goes. The Pack ranked second only to the Patriots in terms of yards per game (370.7) and passing yards (270.9). 38-year-old cactus Favre put together another strong season -- 28 TD, 15 INT, 4,155 yards, a 95.7 rating (his highest since 2004, and third-highest of all time) and a 13-3 record in resuscitating the Packers, as happens every few years, to the NFC North title. Nobody's doubting that he's still perfectly able to win 'em when it counts, and since he may only be around for a few more years, the Pack is definitely motivated to help him go out on top.

3. Turn Eli-Peyton Manning back into Eli Manning. Before the postseason, Eli was talented but inconsistent, showing flashes of promise and then turning back into a pumpkin. If the Eli that fumbles and gets picked on a regular basis shows back up, the Giants fans who have been cautiously accepting him will return to scorning him, and the Giants themselves will have another offseason to prepare. In short, if the Pack can force Eli to show that his late-season success has been fluky, all they have to do is give to Favre, stop Strahan and Umenyiora, and let him gunsling at will. The Pack rank fourth in points scored with 27.2 on average a game, and sixth in points allowed by permitting only 18.2. The Giants rank fourteenth in points scored with 23.3, and 17th in points allowed with 21.9. A great deal of this can be attributed to how their quarterbacks played in the regular season.

4. Be careful when using the run game against the aforementioned tough Giants' D. Rookie RB Ryan Grant has been performing very well for the Pack, but the Giants hold opponents to 97.7 rush yards a game, good for eighth in the NFL, and the Pack run game languishes a distant 21st with 99.8. Like their compatriots the Patriots, the Packers rely heavily on the right arm of a very talented quarterback, and use the run game mainly to throw off the defense. However, since the Giants cornerbacks are so thin and dropping like flies, the Pack would be better off going passing-heavy and avoiding the still-formidable middle more than they strictly have to.

5. Find out what Osi Umenyiora's favorite show is and cancel that too.

Who Wins? Packers. I want the Giants to win, and will be rooting for them, but it's a pretty large leap to see Eli and Big Blue knocking off Brett and Giant Green on their own (frozen) tundra.

The AFC Championship: Mismatch or Upset-in-Waiting?

2008-01-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

A lot of people, myself included, were hoping for the Colts/Patriots rematch in this game, but I imagine it gets as irritating to non-fans of these teams as Yankees/Red Sox ALCS match-ups are for me. Of course, everyone knows how that one ended -- Tom Brady picked with less than two minutes to go seals the championship for Indy, the Colts go to Florida and beat the Bears to put to rest the talk that Peyton Manning can't win the big one. This year, the Chargers knocked the champs for a loop, continuing a hot streak that has seen them lose exactly once since November 18, 24-17 to the Jaguars; they then ripped off eight straight. They then set themselves up for a clash with the big dogs of the AFC, who everyone assumed would be here, and they open as 14-point underdogs. Will the game really be that much of a blowout? Sure, the Pats handled the Chargers with little trouble in Week 2, 34-17, but that could end up meaning as much as the fact that the Rockies won two of three from the Red Sox in June. This is a completely different Chargers team brimming with self-confidence, completely sure that they are the rightful champs of the AFC -- and if they beat the Colts and the Pats to claim that title, they will sure as hell have earned it, my virulent distaste for them aside.

How The Chargers Can Win:

1. Hope that LaDainian Tomlinson's knee is back to normal and he can plow through piles with typical LT-like verve. Everyone yaps up the fact that the Patriots' run defense isn't the greatest, but in all honesty, does it matter that much if they have that incredible offense that can score seemingly at will? And yes, we know the Patriots are flawed, but the fact remains, they still haven't lost and everyone on the Chargers is going to be playing at top effort. If LT can barrage the defense, get them worked out and worn out, he is also capable of taking off and making this one a lot more uncomfortable than the 60,000-odd screaming Bostonites packing Gillette would like.

2. Have Shaun Phillips and Shawne Merriman do their job -- namingly, blitzing the quarterback. Tom Brady is dangerous even when he's hurried, and if he has all day, he will select receivers as he wishes and throw for three or four TDs. -- which will make the spread even larger than it's projected to be. Merriman and Phillips make a formidable duo that has racked up a combined total of 20 sacks on the season (almost half of the team's total 42) and if they can finally crack the hermetically-sealed pocket that's protected Brady this year, they can rush him, try to force him into mistakes, and have a chance at least of making him throw a bad pass that ball-hawking cornerback Antonio Cromartie, with 10 interceptions, can pick off. Brady, despite all appearances to the contrary, is human, and last year in the divisional playoffs against the Chargers, he was picked three times. Of course, the Patriots won that one, but still.

3. Take advantage of the fact that they're one of the best defenses New England's going to face this year. Capable of defending both the run and the pass, San Diego isn't going to focus exclusively on Brady and let Laurence Maroney run wild on them, or vice versa. If the Patriots only pass, pass, pass, then the defense is going to pick that up quickly, but since that's not likely to happen, they're able to put up a strong front against the multi-pronged New England attack. The Patriots, to no one's surprise, rank first in passing yards (295.7) but a slightly more distant 13th in the run with 115.6.

4. Put together long, clock-chewing drives. The Pats defense is good, as it should be for a 16-0 team, but the offense is the real wheels for New England. Everybody says it, but you have to do it -- the Chargers need to keep the ball and play mistake-free football, with no interceptions, turnovers, fumbles, three-and-outs, or boneheaded passes into double coverage. The longer you can keep Brady and Co. off the field, the better your chances, and since the Chargers matched up so evenly against the Colts and put Peyton Manning out of action for long stretches at a time, they'll need to do the same thing here.

5. Just go out there and play their game. The pressure is all on the Patriots -- a loss will spoil their perfect year and cloud the 16-0 with the legacy of a second consecutive post-season choke. Also, the Chargers have history on their side -- the last time that the Patriots were riding a historic win streak (consecutive victories at home) the Chargers came into Foxborough and KO'd them 41-17. The Chargers are enormously confident and are playing their best football of the year, but will that be enough? Wait and see. I'll be on a plane somewhere over the Midwest while this is going on -- I may be able to check in at the airport in Minneapolis, but I'm not sure. I can't believe I have to miss this one.

How The Patriots Can Win:

1. This is clearly a lot easier for them. They're 17-0, at home, playing in a way that has various pundits nominating them for Best Team Ever, and are more focused, determined, and dedicated than ever to ensuring that their historic streak doesn't end messily at the hands of a supposedly inferior opponent. They're 14-point favorites (but don't tell them that, Bill Belichick has been beating it out of their heads for the past week). They have the reigning MVP putting together an otherworldly season, surrounded by A-caliber talent and a collective chew-through-steel mentality.

2. If Philip Rivers' sore right knee isn't up to par (although he's optimistic he'll be able to play) the Chargers will start Billy Volek, their backup. This surprisingly isn't as much of a handicap as you might think -- Eagles backup A.J. Feeley looked positively Hall of Fame-caliber against the Patriots in a victory that they just squeaked out, 31-28. But let's be honest, Billy Volek and the Bolts putting down Tom Brady and the Pats would be something worthy of a sports movie. It could happen, but if Volek has to start, the spread gets larger. Asante Samuel is the Pats' biggest INT threat, nabbing 6 on the year.

3. Use the Chargers' excitement and energy against them. San Diego is going to come out of the gate fired up, while the Pats will come out with their typical steely-eyed intensity. If they can get the Bolts to make emotional mistakes, they can get another leg up.

4. Constantly test whether or not LT's knee is up to scratch. It'll fall to the linebackers -- Tedy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, Adalius Thomas, and Junior Seau -- to keep on stuffing LT so he can only pick up short gains, and if they can bang him up again early, that's a huge loss for the Chargers. I don't expect LT will want to miss a game of this magnitude, so he'll insist on playing. The same corps, owner of 24 total sacks on the season, will want to test the Chargers' O-line early and often. Even if Rivers is playing, he can be more easily coerced into making mistakes than Brady.

5. Stop the Chargers on third-down conversions. The Bolts have been excellent at converting any third-down situation in the playoffs -- third and short, third and fifteen, whatever -- and if the Patriots can stop that, they can both collect takeaways and get the extraordinary machine known as their offense back on the field with good position. Prospects are dim for the Bolts if Tom Brady is spending more time in the pocket than on the bench.

Who Wins? Patriots, but not by much.

The Quarterback Quiz: New York Jets

2008-01-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

And we go on, taking a look at the signal-callers for Gang Green (and I also realized that the name of my blog is the name of a The Rock movie, reversed. Whatever). Let's just say, cloning Namath may one day be a viable option, but it isn't at the moment. Therefore, the Jets have to look elsewhere. And elsewhere.

New York Jets: (4-12): Chad Pennington/Kellen Clemens

By a number of measures, including but not limited to the standings, the Jets just weren't that good this year. Then again, they generally aren't that good, which makes it even more of a surprise when things happen like them getting to the playoffs a few years ago (where the Patriots took it upon themselves to ensure they weren't confused any longer than they had to be). As such, the quarterback situation is uncertain. Pennington was the Comeback Player of the Year in 2006, but led the Jets to a 1-7 start in '07 and was benched in favor of second-year Oregon product Kellen Clemens -- his first start, against the Cowboys, resulted in a fumble and a gift-wrapped touchdown, but Gang Green was 3-4 in his following seven starts. Therefore, as the Jets head into the offseason, they may not know which of the two will be receiving the lion's share of the play-calling, but they seem reasonably content with their options.

Pennington, who was a Rhodes Scholar finalist at Marshall University with a 3.75 GPA, is in his eighth season and among quarterbacks with more than 1,500 pass attempts, his 65.6 completion percentage leads the board. Pennington doesn't have the strongest arm in the world, but makes up for it with knowledge of the game, pocket awareness, accuracy, and selection -- then again, this being the Jets, bad hoodoo happens anyway. His numbers remained respectable this year -- 10 TDs against 9 INT, 1,765 yards, and an 86.1 rating -- but the bad start was the reason that the Jets decided to see what could happen with the 49th-overall pick, Clemens, running the offense instead.

Clemens had a decent but not strong debut. He threw twice as many picks as TDs -- 10 to 5, which he'll want to reverse -- with 1,529 yards and a 60.1 passer rating in 10 games, 8 of which were starts. He enjoyed a stellar collegiate career in Oregon, especially in 2005, finishing with 19 TD, 4 INT, 2,406 yards, and a whopping 152.87 QB rating. But as every prospect learns, it's a bigger jump than it looks from the NCAA to the NFL, and he'll need to continue to grow and mature.

Still, no matter whether #10 or #11 is taking the snaps for the Jets, they need to find a way to jump-start a dolorous offense -- the team ranked 25th in points scored with 16.8 averaged a game, 26th in yards with an average of 294.7, 25th in pass yards with 188.4, and a slightly better 19th in rushing with 106.3. It seems as if bad luck is generally the case for the Jets, but they seem to be satisfied with their QB options, and work on improving the rest of the team come April, particularly the D. They could use a pass rusher and a stronger offensive tackle and guard -- they recorded only 29 sacks while letting the opponent get to the QB 53 times. If they're protected more securely in the pocket, either Pennington or Clemens, whichever one wins the job, will have a chance at looking better, and helping out the hapless in a division that's weak-sauce aside from the heavyweight Patriots.

The Quarterback Quiz: Buffalo Bills

2008-01-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

The next part of my quarterback analysis continues with the Bills.
Buffalo Bills (7-9): Trent Edwards

Signal-calling duty in the frigid north New York football mecca this year was split between fourth-year starter J.P. Losman and rookie Trent Edwards, and as the season wore on, it became more apparent that the Bills were looking to Edwards as their primary QB. He started Week 4, 5, 7, and 8 (the Bills had a bye in Week 6) before missing the next four weeks due to a wrist injury. He returned to finish the last five weeks of the season for Buffalo, and his performance showed that he's still a rookie and has a lot left to learn -- he completed 22 of 36 against the Redskins, 11 of 23 against the Dolphins, 13 of 33 against the Browns (in the impromptu "Snow Bowl") 9 of 26 against the Giants, and 16 of 30 against the Eagles. Trent's final numbers on the year were somewhat serviceable, but by no means stellar: 7 TDs against 8 INT, 1,630 passing yards and a 70.4 passer rating. This was a change for the highly regarded prospect, who was a three-year starter at Stanford and racked up passer ratings of 110.29, 139.01, and 120.55. He's never thrown for a great number of yards -- his high was 1,934 set in junior year -- and he's had trouble raising the TDs higher than the picks -- his ratios were 9 : 11, 17 : 7 (again during his junior year) and 6 : 6 (his last season was curtailed by a broken foot after only seven games).

His collegiate career suggests he can develop into a decent frontline starter, but not a star -- he was taken in the third round and his Stanford record was 10-20 (then again, the Cardinal isn't exactly, say, the Gators or the Buckeyes in terms of NCAA programs). Edwards was, however, rated as the third-best quarterback available in the draft (behind LSU's JaMarcus Russell, taken by the Raiders, and Notre Dame's Brady Quinn, taken -- finally -- by the Browns) suggesting that the class might have been a bit thin that year. (Then again, neither Russell nor Quinn have had a chance to prove themselves in a consistent role as NFL starter yet, and all three are still young). If you wanted to learn more than you ever wanted to know about Edwards, you can read his Stanford questionnaire here.

Highlights:

What have you learned since coming to Stanford?
"There are a lot of overachievers." (Yes, Trent, there are. That's why they go to that school).

Least favorite food:
Asparagus. (I hear you).

If you had to cook all your meals, you'd survive on:
Scrambled eggs. (Not much of a foodie).

Ten years from now, I'd like to be:
Happy. (There are worse things to aspire to).

The best advice I received was:
Never go to Cal. (Spoken like a true Stanfordite).

J.P. Losman, the Bills' other QB option, finished 4 TD/6 INT/1,204/76.9, and is still young at 26, but has expressed a desire to be traded since he's unhappy in Buffalo. There has been some dissension in the ranks since Losman was originally and unquestioningly cemented as the Bills' starting quarterback (per statements from management) and then was abruptly relieved of his duties midway through the year, angering both him and other teammates. Statements from Losman's agent seem to indicate that his prospects for remaining in Buffalo are dim; if they don't trade him, he'll leave, and is frustrated with the lack of support he received from the team.

An unhappy player isn't the player you want to count on, and so the Bills may be forced to go QB-hunting in the draft again this year. They took Edwards last year, in 2007, and their only other internal option for a backup if Losman leaves is third-stringer, seventh-round pick Gibran Hamdan, who's played in exactly one game since 2003 and has exactly one completed pass to his pro-career credit. The situation isn't resolved, they may want to keep Edwards, or they may want to see what they can get in the draft -- if they trade up picks again, and depending on who falls where, they can have access to a talented 2008 class that includes Brian Brohm of Louisville, Matt Ryan of Boston College, Chad Henne of Michigan, Colt Brennan of Hawaii, Erik Ainge of Tennessee, John David Booty of USC, Paul Smith of Tulsa, Sam Keller of Nebraska, Matt Flynn of LSU, and Andre Woodson of Kentucky. Of course, at 7-9, the Bills aren't bad enough to get their crack in the draft until after woeful showings such as Kansas City, St. Louis, Atlanta, and of course the luckless Dolphins get to pick, so they'll have to see what's left for the taking.

Lest You Think

2008-01-16T23:40:00.000-07:00

that only Patriots fans are psychotic, I bring you compelling evidence to the contrary:

Father forces son to wear Pack jersey

So, this luminary and front-running candidate for Father of the Year evidently decided that since his 7-year-old wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers jersey while they were whupping holy hell out of the Seattle Seahawks, there was proper call to tape him to a chair for an hour while also taping the disputed jersey to his person. Now, I'm sure that not all Cheeseheads are such bad parents, so I shall refrain from smearing anyone unnecessarily. But seeing as we were just talking about how sports fans are irrational by nature, maybe we should open an investigation into just how much they actually are. Booing your team's rival is one thing; physically forcing your young son to wear a jersey is quite another.

Then again, the report mentions that other domestic issues had surfaced, so maybe the guy's just off his rocker and the sports thing is just the tip of the iceberg. Fortunately, his wife asked for a restraining order against him, otherwise the fruitcake might be blithely forcing goldfish, doorknobs, mailboxes, and little old ladies to don Green and Gold. I hope his son grows up to root for the Bears or the Cowboys, just to spite him.

Patriots Fans' Shit Don't Stink

2008-01-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

At the San Diego/Indianapolis divisional playoff on Sunday, before the start of the fourth quarter, a bunch of kids who won the "Punt, Pass, and Kick" competition (I have no idea what that is, but it's probably exactly what it sounded like) were honored. They came from different age groups and were all wearing (presumably) their hometown team's jersey. Of course, when it came to the girl in the Patriots jersey, the Indy crowd (at least, some of it) booed. I was watching, they sounded scattered anyway, and the winner, 14-year-old Anna Grant, just smiled and took it in stride. She knew that by wearing the jersey of a team's fiercest rival into their stadium, she was going to receive exactly what she got (from a minority of the type of bonehead fans who really have nothing better to do than boo, and who you find in every city, but that's a different story). As a result, Pats owner Robert Kraft, in a kindly meant gesture, extended an invitation for Anna and her family to come to Foxborough this weekend and be "properly" honored. He claimed that he couldn't understand why she'd been booed, since after all she'd won a competition, and in so doing displayed ignorance of the behavior of every fan since the history of sports began. The Patriots fans were also getting hot under the collar. However, neither Kraft nor the Patriots fans are really getting the point here.

As you might imagine, the holier-than-thou has already started. Pats Pulpit has gotten all up in arms about it. Of course, they don't start out very well by claiming that, " The New England Patriots, an organization that understands and exemplifies class..." Whoa now, do you really want to go down that road? Bill Belichick wins at all costs, not by playing nice. Spygate -- do you really need help to beat the woeful Jets? Tom Brady's, um, interesting approach to fatherhood (although I don't think it's all his fault?) Running up the score against the Dolphins (and everyone else, for that matter) when you're already winning by two touchdowns and a field goal? The (of course denied) allegations made against Randy Moss for committing battery on a woman, which in my mind is a tad worse than booing your team's rival?

Anyway, Pats Pulpit is carried away in its own indignation. "The act is beyond comprehension, beyond words. It was by far the most classless act by the most classless fans imaginable." Yeah. Right. Suuuuuuure. This coming from the same fanbase that chants, "Yankees Suck!" at every public function or sporting event, is generally regarded as one of the most insufferable in all of pro sports, and has only a 2007 World Series Championship, 16-0 season, and likely Super Bowl appearance to wipe their poor, long-suffering eyes with, not to mention two World Series wins in four years and three Super Bowl wins in five years. Hey, thin-skinned Bostonites -- how long have you all been sports fans, or did it start after 2001 when the Pats won their first title, increase in 2004 when the Sox broke the Curse of the Bambino and hang on from there? Booing the opponent is part of the game. Are sports fans irrational? Heck yeah. Why the hell does it matter so much if the guys dressed in our colors score more points by tossing a ball around? It's a game, after all. No big deal. Does it matter? You bet. And therefore, you support your team with the mindless fervor that is needed, and hate their rivals. If the kid walked into Gillette in a Colts jersey, you would have heard it all the way to Cambridge, and she probably would have laughed it off anyway, because she seems to get what the fanbase-at-large does not. It happens. Look in a mirror, people.

When I went to Shea Stadium in April wearing my Rockies cap, shirt, necklace, etc, for an early-season game between the Mets and the Rockies, I got heckled. I wasn't standing on the field, so the whole place never had an opportunity to boo me. Did I start ranting out the ears about the most classless fans imaginable? (Having been to a few games in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, I hasten to assure you that New York and Boston fans deserve each other). No, I did not -- in fact, I laughed about it, just like Anna Grant did, and just like most ordinary people who get that while sports are a big deal, it's not like they were committing some sort of heresy against your precious Patriots, and if you wear enemy colors into enemy territory, the result will be expected. Hell, it wasn't even a Yankees shirt -- I can only imagine what sort of new epithets I would have learned if it was.

Lest you think that the Colts fans were picking on a poor, innocent girl, Anna also mentions that they told her it wasn't her personally, it was just her choice of duds -- something which you should understand, because the Patriots and the Colts do not like each other, people. Let's put it another way -- what would have happened to her if she walked into Fenway with a Derek Jeter shirt on? Would the noble, selfless Boston fans refrain from razzing since they knew it would reflect poorly on their spotless, upstanding organization? No. "Jeter Sucks, A-Rod Swallows" would be about the start of it. Do I do this, or would I do this? No, but that's the kind of person I am -- too shy, anyway. Do I understand what makes them do it? A-yup. Are the booing Indy fans tools? Probably, but they support their team and hate their rivals. They are booing the Patriots, not the girl. There is a big difference.

Get over yourselves, people. Congrats to Anna Grant for winning (I always give female athletes the thumbs up) and it was a kindly gesture by the Pats to offer to fete her in fine feather in Foxborough this weekend (go me with the alliteration). But claiming you "don't understand" why they booed her, Mr. Kraft, shows a fundamental ignorance of the crazy, undying, probably misdirected, and definitely unhealthy passion of sports fans. We're a weird breed. Get used to it.

The Quarterback Quiz: New England Patriots

2008-01-16T14:26:00.000-07:00

Here, as promised, is the first segment of my inaugural feature, which may be prosaic, but what hey. I figured that it would be interesting to go through each of the 32 NFL teams, some of which I know quite a bit about and some of which I know cotton-pickin'-zilch about, to examine the central part of their offense, the QB, and see how important they are to their team, if their team needs to target a new signal-caller in the draft, etc. So, I started with the AFC East, in order of finish, and of course, this one is fairly easy. Aside from the Patriots, the East is a woeful division, which is accurate for its baseball counterpart -- the Yankees, the Red Sox, and a whole lotta also-rans. So, look for the Bills, Jets, and Dolphins next.
New England Patriots (16-0): Tom Brady

This year should just be renamed The Year It Was Good To Be Thomas Edward Brady and have done with it. 50 TD passes broke the all-time record (49, set by Peyton Manning in '04) and he had just 8 picks, 4,806 yards, and a 117.2 passer rating -- his previous high was 92.6, also set in 2004. Not to mention a Pro Bowl selection, a near-unanimous MVP, an AP All-Conference selection, a supermodel girlfriend, and, as far as I know, still only one illegitimate son. It was kind of ridiculous how far Brady took off this year -- just last season, he had 24 TD passes and 12 picks, which is downright Rex Grossman-like if you take a look at the spike his performance took.

Of course, that might have had something to do with the Patriots themselves going undefeated in two more regular-season games than the '72 'Fins -- who still have not been able to recover from it, it seems, especially if you listen to Don Shula doing all sorts of verbal cartwheeling. The season Brady put together had people discussing if he belonged in the Namath/Montana/Bradshaw/Elway category of the all-time greatest QBs ever, and come February 3rd, he very likely will have the chance to win his fourth Super Bowl ring in eight seasons. Not bad for a sixth-round, 199th-overall draft selection out of Michigan, whose scouting report basically equated to, "Tall, skinny, and useless. Miracle he even got picked."

According to Brady, the one thing that the scouts must have overlooked was his competitiveness; this being a guy who hates to lose at anything and even challenges his family to contests such as "See how much salsa you can eat without taking a drink." Aside from being alternately venerated and reviled in Boston (depending on whether or not he's been spotted wearing his Yankees hat recently) Brady is the keystone for a formidable offense that broke the 1998 Minnesota Vikings' record for all-time points scored in a season, with 589 over the Vikes' 556. The Patriots' offense is largely centered on the rifle attached to Brady's right shoulder, and in fact, you sometimes wonder if Laurence Maroney is standing on the sidelines waving his hands in the air and yelling, "HELLO! Belichick! Yo! Running game, remember that? I get handoff, I go?!" Which no one can hear anyway, so he's left to plead his case to Matt Cassel, Brady's backup, who must be either totally relieved or deeply dismayed to get drafted to a team where he's only likely to see a set of downs in case of Armageddon and simultaneous mass suicide by Boston sports fans.

The Patriots have been trying to balance out their attack by calling more play-action fakes and running plays, so now Maroney gets to get into it while Cassel is patiently holding the clipboard -- but the fact remains that this is a case of a team defined by a quarterback and a franchise centerpiece. The Patriots may target a quarterback in the draft (not in the first round since they got stripped of it this year due to Spygate) -- in 2016.

Welcome to Gang Gridiron

2008-01-15T14:15:00.000-07:00

If you found this page through Sparks of Dementia, congratulations for still reading -- I swear I'll have more stuff up soon. If you found this page of your own accord, wow, that was quick. If you found this page through one of my signature links on Mile High Report or Purple Row, thank you for helping an old pal out. Anyway, you have now found the possibly most terrifying football blog on the Web, written by a dedicated female sports fan who has no problems giving into the occasional insanity from which my blog names stem. I call 'em as I see 'em, know my stuff, and take a definitely offbeat approach to situations and analysis. Still, I love writing about sports, have several ideas for the type of content and exploration I want to do, and can now happily pursue my football-writing side here instead of on my baseball blog.

Just as I did on Sparks, I'll start out with an all-purpose football likes and dislikes:

Likes:
The Denver Broncos. My hometown team, thank God they fired Jim Bates, can we have an actual defense next year? There are other teams that I like, but the Donkeys have the top. I'd also say they're the only team I really passionately root for -- I like the others and hope they do well, but that's it. I am quite a fan of young quarterback Jay Cutler, who had better become the next John Elway and not the next Jake Plummer. Denver has all had quite enough of Jake the Snake, and Cutler has the tools to become a superstar.
The New York Giants. I go to school in New York, but I wouldn't call myself a Giants fan -- I just would watch them in a New York minute over the Jets, for which you can't blame me. I think Eli takes too much flak since he's expected to be something he's just not, and I'll admit it, when McQuarters intercepted Romo in the endzone to send Big Blue to the NFC championship, I cheered. Loudly.
The Indianapolis Colts. Maybe it's a horse thing? Colts, Broncos? I know the Donkeys and the Horses have a bit of a contentious playoff history, but I really enjoy watching Peyton Manning play, and I even like his commercials. Yeah, there are 1,000 of them, but he has a dry sense of humor and seems perfectly able to laugh at himself, which I appreciate in a Super Bowl-winning, mega-endorsement-dealing, $98-million making pro athlete. Plus, I wish more athletes married women like his wife, Ashley. Both the Manning brothers are such gigantic, Southern-drawling dorks that I can't help but like them, for some reason.
Quarterback sneaks, rushes, and bootlegs. I like multi-dimensional QBs who can do things aside from just stepping back in the pocket and firing downfield, and always like to see them taking a more active role in the play.
Long kickoff returns. Unless your name is Devin Hester, in which case do not pass go, do not collect $200, sell your house and give away all your money, and then go to Todd Sauerbrun's place -- he'll serve you up a bunch of meatballs and make you right at home.
Faked punts. These do not happen nearly enough.
QB-WR-QB Laterals, aka the Tom Brady/Randy Moss trick. These also do not happen enough.
Going for it on fourth down, especially fourth and short. It always makes it more exciting, and if it's a 4th and 1 situation, I am always in favor of aggressive play-calling. Now, if you're the Patriots and go for it when you're up by 20, not cool. (Of course, if you're the Patriots, you'll get it because some bonehead Ravens defensive coordinator will call for a time-out that nullified a fourth-down stop, or you'll get penalized to nullify another fourth-down stop). Of course, at the same time, I'm always leery when the team decides to actually go for it, seeing as some of them (Shanny's) favorite play is to try to get one yard by running it up the gut into a forest of mammoth humanity that promptly quaffs any such flickering ambition.
Kickers. Yeah, I know, not a real position. But they're extremely amusing (all their twitchy routines) they're generally trim (nice change from all the fat boys on the O-line) and hey, can you kick a pointed prolate spheroid 40-odd yards through a pair of yellow uprights? If so, sign up.
Blitzes. Especially when they happen to a quarterback (see: Rivers, Philip) that I don't like.
Safety hits. Generally it means that the runner or receiver has already evaded the linebackers, cleared the cornerbacks, and is on the verge of getting on a breakaway out of the secondary and all the way downfield when -- WHAM! Stars and birdies. Especially when it happens to the other team, of course. We Broncos fans are lucky to have John Lynch, but this may have been his last year.
Interceptions. Also when it happens to the other team, of course; it's maddening to have your own quarterback picked repeatedly (another reason I could never entirely be a Giants fan, Eli) but I love the sudden-death momentum shifts they create and the way the whole play-action can turn on a dime.

Dislikes:
The Green Bay Packers. Get a dome already so teams don't have to play in -46 weather (ask the 1967 Cowboys what they think about this) are you really wearing a giant fake cheese on your head, Brett Favre is a great quarterback but he is getting old and nor is he the Green and Gold Messiah, and if you have ever heard a chorus of nauseating first-grade children singing "Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers" to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," you'll know what I'm talking about.
The Dallas Cowboys. America's team? I don't think so. Haven't won a playoff game for 11 years and counting. They're from Texas, not good. Have a QB who has the benefit of a great O-line, but hasn't really proved himself to be a bona fide star, fades in December, takes ill-advised Mexico trips with his latest celebrity flame (I don't think that the trip itself was the problem, I'm sure Romo was prepared, but he had to think about all the media hysteria the side jaunt would engender, which would take away from questions about the game and put the focus on his traveling habits instead. Or not -- he is dating Jessica Simpson, after all) and is now the owner of two brutal season-ending implosions -- the botched hold for the field goal in Seattle last year and the last-second pick in the endzone against the Giants this year. Not to mention T.O.'s weepy, Romo-defending press conference in which he claims he's always been on good terms with his quarterbacks. Really, T.O.? Don't mind if I ask Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb, do you?
The San Diego Chargers. Aside from the fact that they're in the AFC West and therefore a Broncos divisional rival, they're full of a bunch of smart-mouthed little punks. I hate Philip Rivers (dislike is not a strong enough word for him) since he is a giant tool that loves to run off his mouth, yell at home and opposing fans alike, and scream self-righteously at Cutler with a priggish little smirk on his face. Although Albert Haynesworth got nailed with a 15-yarder for prematurely sending Rivers ass over teakettle during the Chargers/Titans wild-card playoff, it was sweet. Except the Chargers then took advantage of their newly improved field position and scored a TD. I hate the Chargers. Also, seeing Steroidhead Shawn Merriman get knocked flat by 5'7" Maurice Jones-Drew of the Jags was a highlight.
Running it up the gut, especially multiple times in a row. Yes, I know -- use the run to set up for the pass, and I have no objection to the running game at all -- I love it when a RB finds a seam and goes tearing up the field as a bunch of wheezing fat boys attempt pursuit. However, certain coaches (Shanahan) keep trying to run it right up the middle for about three plays in a row, all the while hemorrhaging downs and getting exactly nowhere.
Patriots fans. They're from Boston, 'nuff said, and the one Red Sox/Pats fan I have the misfortune to know personally at school is a giant pain in the ass. As for the Patriots themselves, I'm ambivalent. Watching them play is somewhat awe-inspiring -- I don't get how anyone can stop that offense -- but their coach failed charm school by negative numbers (I know they don't pay him to be a nice guy, they pay him to win, but still) Randy Moss has gone to the T.O. School of Sucking Up Now I'm Off That Shitty Team, and Tom Brady, while amazing to watch play and generally not dislikable, has just enough twerp moments to keep me from really getting behind him. Besides, if they did go 19-0, the pundits would never shut up, and I, as a Rockies fan, do not feel kindly toward Boston sports teams. I am, however, rooting for the Pats in the AFC Championship, since they're playing the Chargers.
Pink jerseys and gear. Oh dear GOD for the love of all that's holy do I hate pink jerseys (coughcoughJessicaSimpsoncough). Bad enough that people already think female sports fans are doing it solely to look at hot butts in tight pants, then you have to go add pink to the equation because you are too sissy to wear the actual team colors? a) Football is not a sport for looking at men, especially if they are on either offensive or defensive lines, although quarterbacks and kickers are all right. The rest of them are just abnormally large and oftentimes porky. b) Wear a pink jersey and you are wearing your bimbo status on your sleeve and setting female fans back another decade or so. Stay at home, you twat, and that way, you won't annoy people when your cell phone keeps ringing.
Phantom penalties. As it's been called elsewhere, the No-Fun-League likes to lock down on any and every perceived slight. Now, I get that they had to institute some of these (excessive celebration, face mask, horse collar) because football players are essentially millionaire thugs who sometimes have the restraint of third-graders and the violence of convicted criminals, but sometimes, I swear referees call offsides or pass interference for the hell of it. I generally think that refs get involved too much, and I know that football is a game of inches and precision, but come on. If I watch the replay four times and can't see the foul, I think that you, sir ref, are the one jumping the gun.
Thugz 4 Life. Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, etc. You guys are making millions of dollars to play a game, you can have whatever you want, and unfortunately, you do. I know that brains aren't your strong suit, but how can you guys just go around squandering everything you've got, getting into trouble, etc? It just doesn't make any sense and it bothers me. Football is essentially ritualized war, guys get into that certain mindset as if they're going to battle, and it carries over off the field. Not good. Shape up, guys. No excuse.
College marching bands at bowl games. Dear God, just shut up. We know your team scored a touchdown/a field goal/completed a pass/got a first down/took a step. If we have to hear you playing the fight song one more time, complete with close-ups of all the excited band nerds, I will throw a rock through my TV.

That's all I have for now; if I think of something to add to this list, I'll edit it in. In the meantime, thanks for visiting, keep checking this space for assorted updates (have to amuse myself as best I can until spring training games start -- the Death Valley for me is the few weeks in between the Super Bowl and spring training) and I'll do my best to balance my football/baseball blogs in the future. Check back for picks, team-by-team quarterback examinations, post-game wraps, etc.